Narwhalisms

hey everybody who’s in high school rn, in less than ten years its literally going to feel like a bad dream. like its not gonna feel even vaguely real. hang in there

not even ten years. like 3 days after graduation

asking my friend about penis curses hoping  hell block me on facebook

I'm not friends with you because you serve a purpose to me, I'm friends with you because I just like you. That is to say, there is no one who can do what you do for me because what you do for me is just be you

i felt my hair and there’s a whole fucking stick in there and I was like??? so I stopped one of my classmates and she said “oh there’s a whole bunch a’ leaves too let me get them” but the stick is so tangled into my braid I have to wait to get home to take my braid out to get it out and I went back into work and said “so did none of y’all notice there’s a stick in my hair or did you just decide not to say anything” and my boss said “oh…I thought it was on purpose…I thought it looked nice…I liked the leaves.”

The fact that this ISN’T a dream makes this story even better if you ask me

OP wants to be Hozier so bad

Hozier wants to be me

I love raccoons but if one more tears up my garage and harasses my chickens I’m gonna relocate them all to baskin Robbins.

I feel like I just walked into my back yard at 11:26pm, half awake, and discovered that the raccoons that have been throwing barbecue chips around my yard have built and franchised a Baskin Robbins ice cream shop and now they have to bulldoze my house to build a Panda Express. The photoshop is exquisite is what I mean to say.

If someone wants to date me, that means they have bad taste. I have high standards, and I don’t want to date anyone with bad taste.

Y’all are crazy if you think a chicken won’t happily eat eggs. Y’all insane if you think a chicken won’t tear some nuggets UP. You are ON CRACK if you think a chicken won’t just, eat another injured chicken

Me and some friends were collecting eggs on this farm. We dropped one of them and they went absolutely apeshit over that damn egg. Not even the shell was left.

It’s why eggs and chicken meat saying they come from “free-range vegetarian chickens” are HILARIOUS, because if they’re free-range, you can’t control that, and the tiny dinosaurs ARE going to eat a lot of things. And if a mouse meets an early demise because it came near the tiny dinosaurs … ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Free-range chickens are going to be eating anything they can get in their mouths. Chickens are omnivores and vegetarian-fed chickens aren’t getting a better diet. It’s just an excuse to charge you extra money for something that isn’t better for the chickens. Let the tiny dinosaurs eat as they’re meant - don’t buy vegetarian-fed chickens!

My coworker who adopted one of Mona’s kittens gave him some bagel once and now he’s a mad bagel fiend. He had to put locks on his pantry so the cat wouldn’t break in and eat through the bagel bag.

Oh my god 😂😂😂

“Ajerk”

So one of the hotels in the area uses to do this kinda. Which is how a/V tech Pat Enis wound up with [email protected]

We’re puppy sitting for the next ten days, a little 3 month old hound mix called Hazel. Expect lots of pics.