BobbinWrinkles

I don't know. Maybe I should start writing here again. I feel like my brain's too full for my head but also that there's nothing in it.

I was doing OK but now I'm not.

Lol when your Xmas lunch is an apple. 🍎

I don't write here much anymore. But in case anyone is following the lax withdrawal saga- 43 days lax free. In that time, two emergency hospital admissions where they had to intervene to prevent perforation and two sort out dodgy bloods caused by fluid issues. Lots of feeling rubbish. 5kg fluid gain. Which I don't believe is fluid but never mind. Still lots of oedema issues and bowels have only moved on their own twice, once after drinking a pile of alcohol (socially) and once after a core massage thing. I hate this. There is no info anywhere online about what to expect in withdrawal past the usual slow bowels for a little while and fluid shifts. No one tells you that six weeks down the line you'll still be struggling and feeling awful. I know its not the same for everyone and I know I was taking tonnes. But meh. It's all rubbish.

Following hospitalisation and various procedures as a result of laxative withdrawal, I can assure anyone in any doubt about this- THOSE TABLETS ARE EVIL.

Suicide prevention day can fuck off. "tell someone" "ask for help" "seek support" There's fuck all useful support out there so like rather than tell suicidal people to do that can we focus on improving the services available and responses to suicidal thought disclosure?

I feel like shit and I need to come home.

I went out. Wandered a bit. Spotted frozen yogurt place. Bought froyo. Ate half of froyo. Am in huge panic because "it's not in the plan" and regretting my "courage" and argh.

Hold on, is it only in Scotland where alcohol off sales have to stop at 10pm?

I feel awful and I am terrified and I am sad too and generally any negative emotions I probably have them right now 😩

I keep thinking, I'll get better after I get worse. But that's a symptom isn't it? That is one of the things people with EDs quite often think, so almost proves it's a symptom and not just my own thought. Really, unless it's ignored then the cycle continues...

Awkward moment when an Amazon supplier calls you and says: "You've ordered over a thousand laxatives. That's a bit unusual. I'm the pharmacist and need to ask you some questions". Me: *hangs up phone*