Adulthood is exhausting. I’m so tired all the time, aish. How do people have time for life things? How do people not just sleep in bed all day? Been debating if I should dive into antidepressants 😪

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Liz and Russ came to give mom presents in the late morning, we stood apart on the front porch with masks on while mom opened gifts.

Eddie, Liz, Caelyn (6), and Phoebe (5) came in the afternoon. We played and ate food. Caelyn took some photos with her new Instax camera. At the end of the night we watched Wonder Woman 1984 together in the family room, while Caelyn and Phoebe were huddled on the floor with big pillows and blankets. Caelyn drew outfits in her new fashion design book and Phoebe played with her Vampirina doll (with a backpack! her favorite part).

Caelyn and Phoebe took turns sitting and laying in my lap. They're too sweet.

At one point in the kitchen Phoebe asked, "Aunt Emily, what's your favorite thing in the world?" and as I picked her up to twirl her around I exclaimed, "Youuuuuu and Caelynnnnn!!!"

I had a strange dream last night. I guess not all that strange but it confuses me why I continue to dream about you.

Little Person | Jon Brion

Hating monogamy but I have the best partner so idk wahh

Remote work is driving me so nutso but I’m kinda sorta maybe almost on the brink of getting out of here?

I miss Andrew, blegh

Been having pretty regular very strange dreams about Zach. Get outta my brain! But also I miss you too and hope things are well but also mad you didn’t reach out when my dad passed away

an androgynous number, both active and receptive

heralds a change that will lead to the end of a cycle

beginning of a new era

rising toward a newer, more universal love

I kept thinking about how angry I was at Zach for ruining the last Christmas I had with my Dad but I came to realize that it was actually kind of a particularly good one for my me with my Dad. I think having Zach there took his focus off of me which made him be less of a jerk to me, and when I followed Zach out into the garage to yell at him in front of my dad, a part of me honestly felt touched by my dad's expression of surprise and concern in that moment of anger. "What's wrong?!" he asked. And then when Zach and I left early, he came out to say goodbye to Zach just to make sure everything was okay.

Everything’s been sad since my dad died I’d say I’ve been sad since but I’ve been sad for longer tbh

Leah’s been so sick and it’s the worst I keep thinking of my dad sending me pictures of her when she still lived at the house and hearing him imitate in a high pitched voice what she might say. “Nice and cozy in these blankets, mommy!”

After writing “she lived” just above, I thought about how now I have to say “he lived” about my dad. It’s been strange talking about my dad in the past tense. I like that we’re still in a sort of in between stage where his things are all around us and I can visibly see things that he’s touched or done. For example, I drove his car the other day and said “oh dad put towels in the trunk” and it was such a small dumb thing but it was comforting. On the other end of things, lately when I talk about places or use things, my brain goes to “the last time I was here, my dad was still alive” or “the last time I used this, my dad was still alive.” It’s very weird and sad 

I started seeing a lady named Cat towards the end of the summer. She was so sweet and comforting when my dad passed away. We didn’t spend too much time together but we talked almost every day and I felt really close to her. I was really looking forward to what we could become but she ended up dumping me

She dumped me the same day I saw a cat’s remains flattened on the road in front of my house. Coincidence? Ya absolutely but still made me feel weird and sad. Also one of my neighbor’s BLASTED this song late that night which was so bizarro / felt like salt in the wound & the world was @ing me but I also kinda enjoyed it because I love this song forever https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yf_Lwe6p-Cg 

Really just the “everything you want and everything you see is out of reach, not good enough” line. I just feel like I’m in such a low and dark place because of every awful thing that keeps happening that I couldn’t possibly provide for or give anyone what they want/need/deserve at this point in my life. So probably for the best but I’m still rly bummed about it