ᴄ'ᴍᴏɴ ʜᴇᴀʀ ᴍʏ ᴄᴀʟʟ

all right, so I've been (kind of) clearly not been doing well since the end of December. I keep going in an out of my pits and valleys, and that pattern hasn't quite let up yet, even as we're only a week or so from May. it's contributed to my inactivity quite a bit, as well as my social interactions with my rp partners.

apologies for that, I'm just always tired from irl stuff and I'm just Not Great at talking to people unprompted rn. it's nothing personal toward anyone, I'm just Going Through It

on top of all of that! I've been doing a lot of 3D renders the past month or so and that is taking up the bulk of my creative energy. I have a 15 render project that I've been working on since March, as well as a fandom character week thing I'll be (hopefully) contributing 7 renders for. I have 14 renders in total I need to get done. so yeah that's taking up a lot of time and energy, but I'm really happy with how the project is turning out so far, even if the latter half may be more mentally taxing. Plus the bits for the fandom week... just ugh.

I'm tired, and while I'd love to write and yap and do threads rn, I don't have a ton of energy for them rn. I'm only currently replying to like. One of them. I think I only have two officially going on as is, so I do apologize to that other person waiting on me. You know how I just keep making more work for myself.

anyway. this is my explanation saying that I'm still very much around! just depressed and using what energy I do have to work on these projects. my discord is open to those who i've spoken with at least a couple of times via tumblr DMs if you're interested in talking nonsense, bc I still do love to do that.

So Vik let slip a quieter chuckle this time. "Yeah, your nice warm body pillow's been missin' you too." His tone was humored but his expression sincere as he brushed curled fingers over Kerry's cheek, thumb lingering a moment at the decorative chrome under one eye.

He didn't blame his partner for wanting to hold off on the news of improvement, either. It was a bit thorny, since it seemed kind of unfair to Désirée and Kearney in particular when they were so concerned - but to be honest, there were plenty of other doctors and nurses around to tell them. He knew from experience that though the hospital staff would advise going easy on Kerry, the tour staff would likely push right past.

"For her sake, I hope it was actually V who got a hold of her, and not Johnny. Fuckin' hell..." Kelvy could be intense when she was worried, but Johnny was a whole other breed. He'd probably be stupid enough to accidentally blow his cover like that if he was freaked out enough, too. And if his fall was as bad as Vik said it was, he could see it happening.

Before he could get another word out, he would turn his head to let out a yawn. Man, he hadn't felt this wiped in ages. It was the adrenaline crash and the apparent near death all in one, he guessed. Usually that crash was for the end of tour, but with everything going on he supposed he couldn't be too surprised.

Vik adjusted a little to lean in for a gentle kiss to Kerry's cheek. "Wish I could too. Just wanna get lost in you for a while." Drown out that sound haunting his mind with far prettier noises. Remind himself he wasn't as useless or helpless as he'd felt the past day or so. "If I hadn't come here in an AV, I'd sweep you off as soon as you're cleared 'n have us a little home vacation," Vik added with a light, warm laugh.

One that could come true if his producers decided his health was more important than the tour. All at once, Kerry wanted the best of both worlds. When wasn't he as greedy as could be, really? To tour, to have Vik at the end of the night... Still, somehow he doubted he'd be allowed that luxury. Or maybe Vik would insist he stay if he was "forced" to keep touring.

Nevertheless, a little "home vacation" didn't sound so bad either. Exactly the opposite, really. At that point all he did wanna do was rest. Having Vik home for a whole week, at that? Man. That sounded like a privilege he couldn't possibly pass up if he were presented with it.

But, that would be a decision that would come later. He'd figure it, he guessed.

"Would be nice... been missin' my own bed, big time. My nice warm body pillow, too," Kerry remarked, allowing his head to rest back against the bed and lull to the side so he could look at Vik. He'd offer him a tired smile.

"...Guess we'll cross that bridge once we get to it, though. Same with tellin' everyone 'm back to bein' on this side'a sane. Really don't need anyone bitchin' at me, whether they're the tour manager or my adult kid," he heaved out a heavy sigh, then brought his hand up to rub his eyes briefly.

but as kerry himself had said it wasn't his area, so rogue wouldn't bore him with the details of a possible takeover scheme. instead, she would pick up where they left off, in an area where he clearly knew what he was talking about.

once again kerry was correct. afterlife may not have been ( that most knew of ) a haven for the quote-unquote corporate elite ; but what was the point of starting something new if she only planned to follow the same path all over again? maybe the new place, the new mess, could be exactly that ── direct competition for those who catered to the 1%. a venus fly trap laying in wait, the scent of honey drawing them in only for the slow digestion to begin the moment they crossed her threshold.

of course no such thing had been her initial plan, and in fact even having the hypothetical idea in her mind was enough to start up a serious case of guilt-induced acid reflux ... but kerry had left her no other choice. it HAD to be considered since, in rogue's mind, he'd framed it as something she would never do. and when faced with someone telling her something couldn't / shouldn't / wouldn't be done the truth was quick to surface: rogue was, at her core, a pissy teenager who wanted nothing more than to do the opposite of what was expected or needed of her. it was the quickest way to get negative attention, and negative attention was the only kind of attention that really STUCK.

( she was an adult. an extra adult. a SUPER adult. these grounding thoughts along with the sound of his laugh were what brought her back to reality, the idea of opening a corporate safe haven shooed from her mind just as quickly as it had appeared. )

"I guess I could give ya the discount. Choosin' the setlist'll definitely set ya back a pretty penny though, Amendiares. Better get ready t'sell a lung," he'd remark, rubbing his hands together like a greedy, sleezy salesman. Within just a couple moments, he'd let his arms drop and his relaxed stance returned.

Honestly, what he really want out of her? He didn't need much, in terms of favors. Didn't need much in terms of money, either (much to the dismay of his managers, new and old).

A bit more lingering tension unwound from his back and shoulders when Kerry's hand rested over his. Man, as soon as it'd be safe to do so, Vik would wrap his partner up in the biggest, tightest hug. He probably wouldn't let go for a good while, either, not until or unless Kerry complained.

"Yer so cute when y'get all guard dog," Kerry jested, another short giggle tumbled out. Reminded him of-- okay, that needed to stop immediately. Comparing almost never went well, even when harmless. It was just nice, really having someone on his side again. Vik had basically always been like that, ever since he met him, but it never stopped the warmth from spreading in his chest.

The fact that Vik was there, and had no plans to go anywhere was such a damn relief. He knew how him being away from the clinic had gotten better with time, but he also knew still how he clung to his work. Kerry never doubted that Vik would be there in situations like these, when he really needed him, but it still felt like such a relief. Being along in that room would've been hell, even if they'd still have been able to have their calls.

"Good... wouldn't be able t'do it without ya." That shit would come with time, but he did hope they could just be left alone for a while. He was still so damn tired, his head still pretty foggy. Rest, contacting Louise, the kids, V, 'n' Johnny... then maybe he could start entertaining the idea of whether he wanted to keep going on with the tour or not.

As much as he knew he needed to just let it be for the time being, Kerry couldn't push the thought of what was gonna happen too far from his mind. The fate of tour, what he wanted to do... but also, what about everything else?

God, he really just needed to relax.

but sure. why not ? no reason to change the old pattern now. it was all about confronting death and how people felt about it. that sounded like a respectable enough reason. thanks for that, ker !

even though rogue held little to none of the same worries kerry did when it came to possible employees losing their minds on her watch, she would still be more than happy to take it into consideration. he wasn't wrong, there was nothing special about her or the promise of employment that would stop any actual psychosis from taking hold, no matter how confident rogue was in her ability to keep herself safe.

" kerry, i already make women dance in tubes. when will it be enough for you? " her comment was just about as serious as kerry's idea had been -- which, she hoped, was not serious at all. " cyberpsychos and naked women aside, if i were to go through with this my main competition - the only competition, really - would be heavy hearts. they have seniority, they have atmosphere, and god bless'em they even have bleecker. so in order to make it actually work here we'd have to do the opposite of everything they've done, carve out a niche that's complimentary, not competitive. "

Listening to her, Kerry's expression faltered just slightly and nodded his head. Really, it didn't seem like that tall of an order. The vibes of a place like Heavy Hearts and Afterlife, of all things, were already complete opposites.

"Wouldn't worry about them, really," he mused aloud. "Afterlife ain't exactly known for attractin' the corpo elite of NC, so I doubt you're lookin' for that kinda clientele for this new branch." Kerry allowed himself to lean back against one of the staircases. "The real shit competition would just be with Mr. Hands-- but, that ain't my area."

His grin, his laugh, returned with Rogue's words. Guess he couldn't argue with her there.

johnny and kerry performing together in 2013

But right now, that damn sound just wouldn't stop haunting him. A part of Vik wished he'd stepped away into another room, or had the TV muted, or the mics had cut out, something, anything so he wouldn't have to struggle to forget how sudden and chilling helplessness hollowed out his stomach.

Vik's eyes shut a bit tighter for a moment or two, while he pressed into that gentle touch and its familiar calluses. They only opened when Kerry's hand retreated. Any thought of apologizing for clinging too hard vanished at the sight of his partner scooting to one side of the bed. Making room. Didn't have to tell him twice.

Though there weren't too many wires, Vik was still careful just in case. He settled next to Kerry, turned on his side to face the other man with one arm cushioning his own head. His opposite hand cradled Kerry's cheek, and a soft sigh escaped as Vik's hint of embarrassment was drowned out by relief and loving concern.

Sometimes you just needed to feel it for a while. Let it exist. Let it pass, but likely never feel it truly fade.

Kerry brought his uninjured hand up to stroke the back of Vik's hand with his thumb again. It was about as much physical affection as he could personally manage without straight up leaning against him and potentially hurting his arm further. He just needed to reciprocate that touch.

it was a question which people had been attempting to answer since the time of ancient greece, and overconfidence aside even rogue knew that she wouldn't be coming up with the solution in a single afternoon. it really wasn't worth more than the thought she'd already given it, and so the whole thing was pushed from her mind just in time to focus in on kerry talking about identity.

" the vibe of the original is literally death, ker. " words came as she trailed behind him, freckled nose wrinkling at the thought of both the flagship location and the various pieces of stage equipment left strewn about their current surroundings. " don't think i can get any worse than that this time around - but anyways ; i'm with you on going with the theme that's already here, at least in a way. haven't given it too much thought, to be honest, but i was playing around with the whole ANATOMICON thing. anatomy. could go all out and make the staff only full-body-converts, could go the opposite way, too, purely organic, not an implant in sight. "

Kerry shut himself up to be able to listen to Rogue's thoughts. Only 'ganics or only full body mods, huh? Humming aloud, he wondered how the latter might look to some people. Would some almost be afraid of the possibility of how mental stable they were? Metal vs Meat, though...

"It's a good idea. Mainly just depends on how much insurance y'wanna take out in case someone happens t'go 'psycho." If it could come along for Johnny, then it could come for anyone. Last thing he wanted was for Rogue to end up getting a little in over her head and ending up hurt.

So without much or any ability to really change that outcome, for now Vik would rather focus on helping Kerry get better.

He leaned a bit more into the hand on his cheek, eyes closing for an indulgent moment. Even just hearing those three simple words was a balm, after too many fraught hours. It helped his laugh emerge as a clearer chuckle this time, and their eyes met once again. "That's damn tempting."

Vik's expression gentled while his touch skimmed down just a little to Kerry's wrist, finding comfort in that steady pulse beneath his fingers. "Love you too, Ker. And I've missed you just as bad. House feels bigger, when you're away." Emptier.

At least they'd had their daily calls, texts. Kerry had hoped that made the silence a little less suffocating.

Whatever teasing and humor he'd attempted to keep the air light went up in smoke, though, as he listened to Vik. His heart ached for him. He rarely saw Vik getting like this, so upset. There'd probably on been a small handful of times since they'd gotten together that he'd seen it. Seeing it applied to him now... He felt a little guilty. Not like he could've done much when he hadn't known what was going on in the first place, but still.

He could imagine how he felt, unfortunately. Kerry had at least felt something similar before, probably. A few incidents with Johnny 'n' the terror that came with instances of almost losing him in front of his own eyes.