Addicted to Self-Hate and Love

I'm limited on what I want to share on here but I will share that I am a father.

I had my son when I was very young and married his mother when I was young.

We didn't have a good relationship. I was struggling with Mental Health and refused to get help and in that relationship I felt very abused and taken advantage of.

A few years later we divorced and ever since then my relationship with my son has been very difficult to maintain.

His mother and I had a lot of anger and pain towards each other and we were not above letting the other know about it.

In this it caused me to avoid her and my son all together. I fell into deep depressions on this issue and developed an addiction to alcohol because of this and many other things in my life.

In my addiction I failed my son in many ways and thus it caused my ex and I to suspend visitation until I got my life back together. That was 2 years ago.

I haven't spoken to my son in two years and I've been struggling with it. He has developed and grown so much and I don't even know who he is.

I don't know how much he asked about me or even if he does.

and honestly I don't trust my ex's word for it. In my life she has lied to me time and time again.

She's lied to me about my son and about our custody just to have me stay away that I don't know what to do.

Hello Everyone,

I apologize for not posting in about a year. I've been on a journey that has many up and downs. So far I have had many mental breakdowns and still adjusting to my life as a sober person cooping with Borderline. Today has been hard. Recently I had been arrested due to a relapse and ended up failing 2/3 classes in college and I've felt like quite the failure. It's been difficult as well because my SO hasn't been speaking with me and now my abandonment issues have been coming arise and I feel like I've been thrown away. There are many skills to combat these feelings but as of now I just wanted to get my feelings on paper. I feel lost and alone. I feel empty and scared and I'm adjusting to sitting with these feelings and looking for their origin so I can begin to heal. I know my S/O is on their own journey and no matter what the situation I'm going to be okay, but this is one of the most difficult spots of my BPD. Abandonment of my partners sends me into a full blown tailspin every time, but instead of blowing them up, I have chosen to share my feelings with my 2 followers, lol.

Sometimes I just need to write and read to realize how ridiculous I'm actually being.

Hello everyone!

This is my first post! So let me explain why I'm making this blog. In my life I have struggled with the results of childhood abuse of physical, emotional, and sexual. For the sakes of my friends and family I will be remaining anonymous and any usage of names will be changed for their privacy and safety.

For years I have struggled with addiction and co-dependancy due to my experiences in life. I have gone though therapy, treatment, and lost most things in my life. Hopefully, though this blog I can reach at least one person who has struggled the same and provide hope that you can succeed and move on. I would like to state that I am not a doctor in any means of the word, nor do I have any education or experience in the mental health field besides my own treatment. This blog will be used to share my experiences and thoughts. If you are struggling mentally, please do not use this blog as a self diagnosis. Speak to your physician immediately and seek the help you need.

You deserve happiness my lovely friend,