B'Nei Ruth

Continued.. What if people think it’s weird if I get so nervous I can’t make eye contact? What if I make a fool of myself bc my anxiety gets too high? I really want to practice Judaism but I’m just nervous that since I don’t know everything yet what if I do or say something wrong? I just want to do everything right. I don’t want to make a bad first impression. Sometimes when I get too anxious I can seem kind of rude and unresponsive but that’s just bc I’m trying to keep myself together

First off, here’s a little guide I wrote that might help you with some of the “what do I do” stuff.

Secondly, give yourself permission to chill. I had a friend tell me that once when I was getting worked up over a career event–I was frustrated with them because I thought that meant they didn’t think it was serious, and they replied “If you keep building up this one thing into the most important thing you ever do, you’ll be a nervous vibrating chihuahua person and that will do you no favors. It’s important, but it’s not that important. Give yourself permission to chill.”

Remind yourself–if your first visit is awkward or uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean you can never go there again. Your second visit might be better, or your fifth. Maybe a different synagogue will be a different fit. A rabbi will never drive you out of a synagogue for being nervous or withdrawn. They only ever want to draw people in.

Thirdly, there’s not really one “right” way to act in a synagogue. It’s perfectly okay to enter quietly and sit in the back, and leave right when the service is over. (“Adon Olam” is usually the last prayer, and usually people will be talking more, taking their prayer shawls off, etc., so it’s pretty easy to tell when it’s over.) If someone is trying to be chatty and you’re not comfortable, you can always smile, give short answers, and then look really interested in your prayer book or what the rabbi is saying. If getting used to the environment is a step you need to take before getting used to the people, that is perfectly fine.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve felt awkward and out of place in synagogues before, and I’ve had people treat me awkwardly. I’ve also been met with overwhelming kindness. And the thing is, you are not the first person to discover that they’re Jewish late in life, or to visit a synagogue for the first time in their late teens/early 20s. I mean, I would say it’s almost an American Jewish tradition to have no idea what the hell to do in a synagogue. Especially college students; my college’s Jewish Community was packed with people who had never really paid attention to their (grand)parents’ rituals and were now just learning how to do all the stuff they had taken for granted.

If you have any specific questions, feel free to send them in. In the meantime, here’s a brief list of “wrong” things to do, so you know what to avoid:

if someone offers you an aliyah or an honor, it’s okay to say “no, thank you.” (which I would actually recommend–if you have to participate more in services, there are more things that have to be done a certain way, so it’s much less nerve-wracking to watch and learn at first.)

if for whatever reason you find yourself carrying a Torah, don’t drop it (you probably won’t find yourself carrying a Torah)

if you drop a prayer book, kiss the cover or the spine when you pick it up

don’t turn your back to the Torah when it’s removed from the ark; you’ll see, as it’s carried around the synagogue people will turn to face it

if there’s a meal afterwards with challah and wine/grape juice, wait until the blessings are said to eat or drink

There are definitely popular Hebrew names that are element/nature based. When I visited Israel, some of the Israelis I met were named Gal (wave), Ayelet (gazelle), and Lior (my light), all of which are very popular, and it’s becoming more common for those Israeli-influenced names to be used by other Jews as well. But you should check with a rabbi, because Anan isn’t really used as a name and rabbis might dissuade you from using it for that reason. To make a comparison--an English-speaking American wouldn’t think much of someone named Willow or Brooke, but Ocean or Mountain or Arugula might raise some eyebrows.

Here is a previous response I gave to a similar question.

I’ll also add that it’s not technically impossible for minors to convert to Judaism, but in almost all cases that I know of, it involves minors whose parents are Jewish or who are converting to Judaism. And while they are considered Jewish, they are given the opportunity to reject the conversion before assuming the full weight of Jewish responsibilities.

I’m afraid that this answer is going to sound patronizing. I apologize for that. I recognize that people of all ages can be smart, thoughtful, and mature, and should have autonomy over their own lives.

But it’s also true that a 14-year-old is not an adult and does not have the same emotional maturity or reasoning ability as an adult. That’s not in any way an insult, it’s just a basic fact--I hardly recognize my fourteen year old self in who I am today, and I think most people will agree with that. There’s a reason that both Jewish and secular law distinguishes between children and adults. 

Judaism is massive and complex and my own relationship to it now is constantly shifting, and at fourteen I wouldn’t have been able to engage with it on the same level that I did when I began the conversion process six years later. There are some aspects that are inappropriate for a child; there are some that, to an adolescent mind, would appear black and white when they demand much more nuance; there are some that will mean little to you now when you’re still figuring out who you are and what you want (which, I guarantee you, will undergo at least two major shifts before you become a legal adult), that will mean the world to you once you’re more independent. And according to Jewish law, conversion requires acceptance (and, therefore, understanding) of the commandments, and a minor is legally incapable of making that commitment.

When a minor converts to Judaism because their parents are converting, it’s a different situation. The parents take on the legal obligation to ensure that the child observes Jewish law; therefore, they and their rabbi can ensure that the minor receives a Jewish education that is the appropriate level for their age, without trying to immediately embroil them in discussion of the finer points of Talmud.

That’s... even more intense than I thought it was. Okay, there you go.

I don’t know if there is such a website because I don’t know if there is such a test. There are many different methods of conversion (I know Orthodox ones are more stringent than my Conservative conversion, and I also worked one-on-one with a rabbi instead of with a class), but from what I know, your sponsoring rabbi usually judges your knowledge based more on conversations with you. The meeting with the beit din certainly goes over many different aspects of Judaism, but it’s not so much a quiz as an exploration of your relationship to Judaism and the Jewish community.

The questions I got were very open-ended--what drew you to Judaism in the first place, what’s one thing you like about it now, what do you think about this community’s custom, etc. When I gave specific answers, they pressed me for more details--like, I said one thing that drew me to Judaism was the ethics and the focus on justice, and I went on to talk about particular aspects of the law and of the prophetic writings, and a lot of “stuff you should know before converting” did come up, but that’s not really the kind of test you’re talking about.

Please, please tell me your rabbi said 'I am totes cool with you doing you, yo' and did finger guns at you.

A Conservative synagogue that does not accept lesbian members is very much an anomaly in this day and age; the American branch of the movement unanimously approved same-sex marriage in 2012 (and had previously spoken against discrimination, welcomed LGBT members, and approved LGBT rabbis, although not as enthusiastically as the 2012 decision, but hey, times changed). Reform and Reconstructionist synagogues also welcome LGBT people, while the Orthodox response(s) are more complicated.

So yes, I wholeheartedly think you should pursue conversion if you feel that’s right for you, and that you will be able to find acceptance in the Jewish community. Looking back at your message, I’m not sure if you mean your local Jewish community is close-minded or your local gentile community. If it’s the latter, I would encourage you to poke around your synagogue before writing it off; I understand not wanting to out yourself to a rabbi right away, but you can check Keshet’s synagogue guide, look for inclusive language on the website, or possibly see if there are any posters or flyers at the synagogue that indicate it’s a welcoming community.

If it’s the former you mean, then I’m very sorry that’s your main connection to Judaism, because like I said, it’s not standard. But most likely you would be able at some point to move to a different community that is more welcoming, because they definitely exist. To be fair, I live in a fairly liberal area already, but my rabbi performed his first lesbian commitment ceremony in 1994. So trust me, there are Conservative Jews who would be happy to have you.

Yes, that is absolutely something you can work through--I would even say it’s sort of an integral part of the whole conversion experience. It’s important to know a lot about Judaism, but it’s also important to DO Judaism. If you don’t do it, then you won’t really feel Jewish. Right now, you’ve started to increase your knowledge, and the guided conversion process will also involve a lot of action: communal prayer, home and synagogue rituals, holiday observance. As you practice them, they’ll become familiar.

I’ve told this story on this blog before, but I’ll tell it again. When I went to my first service, my number one source of confusion was how everyone around me knew when to say random words or lines that weren’t specifically designated as “congregation says” in my little transliteration book. But, maybe six months after I started the conversion process, I went to a Holocaust Remembrance event where a rabbi recited Kaddish, and I found myself replying automatically along with all the other Jews in the crowd. I didn’t even notice I was doing so until I saw my gentile friends looking around, wondering why everyone knew what to say. Over time, those unwritten rules of Jewish protocol had become instinct for me.

2. They write clearly that they have expectations and that converts have obligations, which I totally understand and I am ready to take those on. I'm worried I won't manage to both the conversion and medschool at the same time. Should I wait? I've considered talking with the Rabbi responsible for the classes, but I have to admit that I'm a little scared that I will look silly and not committet. Any help/advice you could offer is very much appreciated.

[2/3] and it's funny because it's a test that they offer for people who are ready to finish their giyur, after a 2-year program (mandatory minimum in my beit din for those with no Jewish background). And I took it after 3 weeks of wait, not learning anything in the classes because they were so basic and dreading coming to the next classes. I was saying my tefillot so hard, hoping I'd never have to go back. And now I don't. I'll still undergo further tests and reviews with a Rabbi to ensure that

[3/3] my understanding of all areas of Jewish life is as good as I demonstrated in the exam (which was in and by itself very extensive and very long, taking several hours to write with no breaks). I almost cried when the Rabbi said that we're looking at a "very short timeline" for the giyur. This feels really good, since me undergoing the process is to remove all and any safek on my lineage — but of course, to me I'm already Jewish as I was raised with a Jewish identity. Thanks for 'listening'.

I’ve been answering a lot of questions with “ask a rabbi” lately. I feel bad. But... it’s hard to answer this without saying “ask your rabbi.”

Normally I would try and give a longer answer, but from your phrasing it sounds like you’ve read enough to know exactly what I know; I don’t know what “most” rabbis think because no one has really done a survey of rabbi’s opinions on converts. We’re sort of limited to extrapolating a guess based on their writings about Judaism in general and conversion in general.

Publishing in case anyone else can help!