BM's Art and Work Collection

I'm not around much and keep being slow with a lot of things because I am not doing well. I have not been doing well for quite some time. I frequently shrug off my absences as being busy, but I'm not busy so much as I spend most of my days wrestling with freshly planted and frequently, almost daily unintentionally, reinforced trauma while simultaneously adjusting to this being a part of my life in the first place. It has only been some months since one of the last major sources of these scars had stopped, and it has been an uphill battle against the fear responses I've learned over the past 10 years from multiple traumatic experiences being reinforced in my day to day life

This is why I don't have a regular schedule for things, why I swing between finishing art pieces quickly and taking so long to make progress, and why I suddenly vanish for chunks at a time. I don't beat myself up about these things and I continue to do my best around the issues, to be clear with people about my accessibility, but, as I'm sure you all have seen with reoccurring absences, I don't always win those daily battles

I ended up taking a break from a couple of spaces I'm in to try and really focus on what's going on in my head and what I need to do. My winter was primarily trying to make myself look at things I never wanted to look at again in order to resolve them while also keeping it together the best I could during the bustling holidays. When I came back, when mention of how long I've been gone came up, I got many pats on the head and told that "they know I get busy." People made the excuse for me before I could even try to say the truth, then carried on. It made me realize the depth of the hole I've put myself in, with how good I am at keeping my problems to myself

I don't know if this is appropriate. I don't know if this is the right thing to share in this sort of space, but I feel like I'm at a point where I need to stop pretending and taking advantage of how people make excuses for me if I play the right act just enough to seem like I'm fine, "just busy." It leads to me getting left alone a lot. I get left behind and projected onto about unexpectedly invasive things a lot. I don't think it's that people need to get their shit together, though. I need to figure what to do with myself from here, with the baggage I now have not just being tugged behind me, but nailed to my legs

This isn't meant to be a Woe Is Me post or me looking for attendance to a pity party. I wanna wipe my table clean of everything I've put on it to cover its damages, and I want to start by being transparent, and to better apologize to anyone who might feel dismissed or deemed unimportant by my radio silence with friendships and stop-and-go pace with work

With this transparency though, I'd also like to talk about the good things that have happened and that have realy helped me through these years. There isn't only bad things on the table.

I'm estatic there's folks who like what I do so much that they want to support me in the ways that they do. I don't think I'll ever be able to properly put to words just how much that means to me. I know I've said it before, but not once have I meant it lightly, even if said on a laugh. I'm honored. Seriously.

I've been trying to focus on directly approaching my issues instead of trying to do them on the side of other things happening, putting them first and foremost, and as painful has it's been it HAS been working. For the first time in a very, very long while I have been able to reach out and ask for help with problems that have completely overwhelmed me and reinforced what has happened in those ten years. I've started being able to feel like I can be there for others around me again too, not as a measurement of usefulness, but in recognition that I have the energy to so again. To do something as deeply important to me as to be there for those I care about.

I'm starting to get back to how I naturally make art over what I feel people are more interested in seeing, and I actually look forward to sharing them someday. I have a much better idea of how I'd like to approach my work in the future as my job and have the energy to start seeking out others with experience where I don't for consulting. I have projects planned out that I'm excited to jump on sometime this year, including a full comic and maybe starting to write a book I've been picking at for some years.

I'm working to get back in touch with my family and have been able to be more open with them than I've ever been in my life. I'm working to be my authentic self outside of certain circles and make it more of my everyday life over only in spaces where I only kind of fit in.

The past number of January 1sts have been harrowing as I reflected each time on the years that preceded them, with no actual end to the spiraling cycle in sight, but I find myself eagerly excited about whatever this year may hold. So yeah, I'm roughed up to hell and back and I'm still pretty battered, but there's a future, and despite everything I'm still one of the strongest people I know. I'm exhausted, but I'm getting better. I'll get back on my feet and not hit the floor as hard. One day I won't hit the floor much at all.

I don't plan on making another post like this ever again. I know I'm actively doing it, but it goes against a few principles of mine. It feels inappropriate to share so much in what is technically my professional setting, but I think this is one of the few times where I find an exception for transparency.

I'd like to spend the beginning of this year tending to my wounds so I can start putting all I've learned over the years of doing what I do as a business, as well as entertainment, to really do something spectacular this year. Both to really start getting the ball rolling with what I want to do, but to also give back to everyone that supported me all this time. Not out of obligation, but because that's something I have always wanted to do.

If you've read this far in, thank you. Thank you for your time, your attention, your patience, and understanding. It's been hard as sin and it's going to continue to be such for some time, but it's getting easier. I'm not looking for anyone to swoop in and try to save me. I'll ask for help if I need it. I promise.

I'm excited to get the show on the road, not just with work but with doing better and spending time with folks more, but please bear with me while I still sort these things out back behind the curtains. I'll be around, hit me up if you wanna hang or anything, I'm down to vibe. Hell in all honesty I'd actually love the company, regardless of if the faces are new or old.