love letters

feeling nothing

starts and ends with you

put on a shelf

for someone else

still stuck inside your room

hypnotic eyes

and rushed goodbyes

it all ends way too soon

change of tides

taken by surprise

but i don’t think i want to

i hope that when you see her face

Let me think it over. Let me think it over.

We don’t tell anybody about anything we do. October feels so warm when I’m in your car with you. Nostalgic waste, a bitter taste, you never had a clue.

Vivid déjà vu. Vivid déjà vu.

silence sounds like the pause right after you tell somebody you love them. like waiting for them to say it back, and the hesitation before they do. the moment right before when you forget to breathe, the deafening milliseconds in between, and the symphony of overthinking after it all. silence aches like a sore tooth.

silence sounds like another night with no call. like the empty monologue of a voicemail, or the sound of the air once you leave no message and hang up. it sounds like never having the time to call back anymore. like being alone at 3am and all that you can hear is a pitch of nothingness. silence sounds like a ringing that never stops.

dive into a swimming pool. notice the sounds drowning around you until it is silent. listen to the quiet until it rings in your ears. hover underwater until time drifts far enough away to be unrecognizable. float for 10 minutes. 10 days. 10 months. swim to the very bottom and feel the water press down on your body. focus on the way the pressure caresses your brain. when you run out of breath, rush to the surface. open your eyes and try to rub away the stinging of the chlorine.

drive down a road at night with no headlights on. look around at the blackness and let it swallow you whole. drive slowly until you lose track of which direction you came from. notice the helpless feeling of being stuck in the unknown. try to find where the road starts and stops. push on the silver pedal and jolt into the darkness. feel the seatbelt lock and constrict your chest. go 50mph in a 30mph and feel nothing.

cry in the bathroom until your brain starts to throb. feel your breath rattle throughout your ribcage. stare into the mirror at your bloodshot eyes and watch them stare back at you. let your wet face drip onto the tile floor. feel the heat radiate off of your cheeks. struggle to form your weak hands into fists. try to fight the things that you can not control until you have nothing left but blue, aching bruises. sit in the shower under the cold faucet until you start to shiver. concentrate on the dull pain.

now think of the tragedies that you have encountered. think of the tragedies that await you in the future. think of everything that has ever gone wrong. relive your sadness until your body begs for you to stop. overload your brain until it starts to spark and smoke. languish in the absence of your own thoughts.