Whenwishing

shards of light and dark

flying past thee

are more intensely beautiful

than the man I’d love to see

Better than the dick that did me in

nature’s embrace

stronger than a human’s

grip on me

hold my heart dearer

I want to dance with the trees

atop a mountainous mound

with its shaggy shrubs

dotted across the wise paint of my

brush

Surrendered gleeful roads full of adventure

Their leaves all wavering with more feeling

than you ever did

lashes falling to the floor

in my room you're disassociating

and I watch

carefully,

as you're filled with unkempt memories;

nightmare sheets rumpled in the making

settling deeper into the abyss

your eyelids slouch

sagging,

their ends squint

with tensed pupils, dilated

I watch you recall horrors

of power grabs and ill intent

I can't even imagine

pain I never used against you,

used against us in the end

too sick to find it

love sick,

eyes too lost

to look for it

depression

once again

nestles in

cozy cold

I shrug against my soul

alone,

I drift through crowds

like clouds

they disappear

and I wonder

why I’m only happy

when I’m in love

and shallow..

not worth living or being alive

That every soul lost or taken

is obscured and forgotten by the next sunrise

Rendered meaningless

But little girls died

Bombed in their schools

For no good reason

but for the egos of those who lie

And yet I am still alive

And for that reason alone I will believe the opposite

Maybe out of pure stubbornness

Maybe because I want to live for their lives

lost,

Because they were not fodder

Their bodies sacred;

not meant for slaughter

The world is a liar

And much of what the world wants you to believe

Is monstrous and wrong

And I will expire

Not because I should’ve never lived

not as punishment

But my time will come and I will join the rest

The good and the bad

But let me never again sit in selfishness

And pity 

Wishing to hasten the hour

I’m nothing but ash 

Or at least I wish I was

Despite being in flames

I feel heavier than ever

More stuck to the earth

Darker than black

And harder to the touch

the sentiments I'll never express

for the chance to,

is an opening

as harrowing

as the sleek side

of a needle's eye

to the stuffing

panic

of a frayed string's

edge

what our hearts and minds

had catching up to do

tingling spines

and fought for breaths

you’d feel me up

with hands heaven sent

pale, rounded flesh

my nearness to you

perked up my breasts

and raised the hairs on my head

stood upright,

at their ends

I'd moan soft and wounded

as you'd send me farther

than anything

we could ever foster

when truly sat with each other

our defeat was in

learning how far behind

we were from following the instinct

to be together

how easy it’d be

for me to follow that river bed back to you..

even if the waters have dried up

or been diverted or receded..

there may always be an old winding, dusty trail

to flow back into you..

that’s how deep you’ve cut me

those lost parts

of our beating flesh

pulsating with desire

and hope;

a hope devastating

a beast knocking

louder than the soul

you said I need to protect myself

and I asked

am I the enemy at your gates?

your eyes were emptied of everything

but I felt muddied

sucking foot trappings

as I'm sent down

again

Why do I want to hear it again

Why do I feel the need to know one more time

Isn’t a thousand times enough?

When will I finally believe

It’s fuckin over

God I’m such a simpleton

Whose always in love with the wrong one

I create on my own

The womb I have to impregnate

I will choose truth

over love

And the seed implanted will be of my own

being an artist

from your bone

to your skin

so intrinsic

its your deepest

instinct

and its all you know to do

I can't wait for someone else to be under

the iron gridlock of my leg's embrace

I want to ride a nameless dick

hard,

I want to tongue another's mouth

another's throat,

another's member

I want to look up in yearning

seeing eyes new and afresh

not holding the same pain, the grotesque squirming

of meal worms wiggling in the caverns of your

knowing

I want to spread and scream

the ecstasy's of a new host

so far from the one I used to call to

escaping you is like panting

and drooling from thirst

whilst knowing I’ll never quench

it whole

“ reality”

not that it should confine me and limit my growth,

But that I should know what confines others

When their understanding abuts my own

to your sad, silly track

of love songs

pursuing me like a love song

I felt so love bombed

you came on so strong

and i didn't know where my head was at

and i fell for your sentiments

left with a hollow sickness

head low

hanging

sorry I,

want you to stay away

i thought i could make do

and accept you

but actually i hate you

on the birthday of my 39th year

dressed in green gossamer and velvet

nothing but a nude thong beneath

riding 'gainst the skin of my backside

with a split in the front that

would've separated the seas

the heat was all you needed

and you swept through me

as soon as you saw

the vision of me

your hand reached to part the seams

the shaft of your arm splitting my thighs in pleasure

and though I swore we wouldn't make it

I breathed in excitation

as you were already touchin' me

fast as a hawk to swoop

you were striking my nest

and I gasped as my knees buckled

thrusting with such speed

I thought how desperately you must need me

and I felt complete