3TheHardWay

It’s been a while and I know I have a things to celebrate but currently I’m sitting here with tears rolling down my face and leaning on a damp spot on our blanket. I just finally let the floodgates open so that I can just cry about Chioma. Through my tears I shared with Frank that there are parts of me that feel guilty because with how well Kelenna been doing, I’ve allowed myself to, In a way, forget about Chioma. It’s weird, because I would rather have Chioma to not have even been in existence or to just move on and allow a Kelenna to fill that void of caused by loss. But it’s not that easy because Kelenna is her twin. I carried them both for 22 weeks. I still wonder what she would’ve looked like, what personality she would have had, and sometimes I wonder if Kelenna absorbed all that energy.

My Rant: Through my tears I also mentioned how I miss my dad and that I can’t mourn both of them separately. It’s hard to mourn them separately since they both died in 2019. It’s so hard to move on in the world when life is telling you to or at least urging you to. And I continue to ask myself will having another child how complete that void? While having another child will be just as emotionally stressful because of my first pregnancy, will I be allowed to just have a regular straightforward pregnancy? I deserve a regular straightforward, 34-to-36 week pregnancy. I hate being jealous of women who have destroyed four pregnancies you know? Just pregnancies that make it look so easy to have a baby, to have two babies, to have three babies! It’s not fair that there are women out there who have experienced miscarriage and loss once or multiple times! The pain is just too much and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, but it exists and it’s a thing we should not hide. Miscarriage is actually pretty common and I applaud those who share their story especially because it’s for those of us who have experienced miscarriage and may not want to share the trauma with the world. We even have to deal with the trauma of witness other people do it so “successfully” and it hurts every time. It’s not their fault that it hurts us but it does and it’s extremely triggering...extremely triggering but it’s not their fault. We have every right to feel the way that we feel and every right to be able to work through this process the way we choose because we put in the work and we carry that badge of courage and that badge of strength and perseverance.

My clarity: I am very thankful and count my blessings every day. There aren’t many of us who suffer loss and life. Kelenna’s life gives me life and seeing her thrive makes me extremely thankful- EXTREMELY THANKFUL. Thankful for all that she’s accomplished in a year. Thankful for her sister and guardian angel. Thankful for the love and support we get from our family and friends. Thankful for a beautiful, intelligent, inquisitive, persistent, resilient, humorous, kind, observant moon child. Thankful for the chance to hug and kiss her when I’m feeling down and missing her sister and grandpa. Thankful for her life and that I am around to see it. She truly brings us joy.

Photos: Us at San Andreas Damn on Sawyer Camp Trail, Kelenna pushing and pulling at the baby gate, Frank holding up Kelenna in a reusable grocery bag (she got a kick out of this!)

I’ve been dreading this month and the emotions and memories that surround it. November 8th thru 12th has come and gone and I think I did okay. The Sunday prior I was a bit low I needed a moment to cry and stayed pretty quiet throughout the day. Little specs or clips of last year would pop up in my mind and I would allow myself to just live in that moment and feel those emotions and try to remember the things that were around me: the sights, feelings the pain, just letting myself know that it’s OK to feel those emotions and grieve those emotions. I still can’t believe it’s been a year. A whole year. A whole, long year.

Wednesday November 11th was Veteran’s Day so I had it off. I relaxed, walked with Kelenna, tidied, stayed away from work. on Thursday 11/12 Chioma’s birthday and I was just content with being with my family, Just Kelenna and Frank. We packed up, went to the Pacifica beach, and took some of her ashes along with a freshly cut, dark pink flower from her garden. Frank took pictures of me and Kelenna and I took pictures of him and Kelenna. we sat together allowed Kelenna to hold onto the jar of ashes as we allowed ourselves to just be in the present. After time had passed, we got up and walk towards the water barefoot. I said a prayer as I waited for the “right wave” to come in and cover my feet. When it did I released the ash covered flower then captured some of the retreating water in the jar that once held a tiny piece of my daughter.

I can’t believe it’s been this long since I’ve written. So much has happened. I blame work. Frank and I are completely lucky to have his parents around to give Kelenna the attention she needs as we both work full-time. At the beginning it was a bit rough and then I kind of got into the groove of things but I’m definitely not working any less. My friends and coworkers keep saying, “I don’t know how you do this with a kid!“ and I always respond “It’s because of her grandparents. If not for them I could not work full-time. Especially if we had twins.“ I wish we had twins...

Days are going by faster even though at the time they feel like they’re taking forever. Kelenna is now nine months old, six months adjusted and is much more attentive and active. She’s been meeting her physical and developmental goals and we are utterly impressed and proud of her. She’s talking more, sitting up, sleeping through the night, rolling over, smiles on cue when a phone or a camera is in front of her, understands the mechanics of interacting over zoom, and is on solids-well technically rice cereal mush but still solids! 

It’s also interesting that the day that I come back to talk about this happens to be the second anniversary of me and Frank’s traditional marriage. Marie shared a clip she recorded of my mom and my dad dancing at the wedding and it almost broke me. I look at it and I imagine myself being able to touch my dad, remember how soft his hair is, how silly he can be, how peaceful though low-key stubborn he always was. I had a daydream of what it would be like for him to hold Kelenna and for them to just look at each other and smile. I miss him so much. And even with that, I think about what it would be like for Chioma to be here. I know I want to just move past and, in a way forget the pain that I felt and the daughter that I’ll never have and I wish I could, I wish it never happened. It’s just hard to think that way knowing that her passing kept Kelenna alive.

July 17th, 2020

I want to stay trapped in those moments or flashbacks of times when I felt so proud to have been chosen to carry two miracles at the same time. In earlier entries I’ve written about this honor I felt. I remember rubbing my belly, noticing my physical appearance change, being so proud that I’ve finally become pregnant during a time when I needed that type of happiness. I felt so happy and thankful and special to be simultaneously bringing 2 miracles into this world. I miss being pregnant and thinking about it makes me so bad. 

6.2.20

“I want to remember every moment because I didn’t know they weren’t going to be any more moments”

6/22

I can’t remember where I heard this but I remember hearing it and knowing exactly how it feels. I wish I could forget the trauma. I wish I could say that it didn’t change me. I wish it never happened to me. I wishI could hang back all the moments before November 8th. I want BOTH Chioma and Kelenna. I LOVE Kelenna but can’t stop feeling like I’ve failed her by not protecting her sister. I know it’s not my fault but it all still happened and I still feel like a part of me died with her. When will I stop feeling this way? Whenever I feel low, I know I’m in the state. It’s like I see myself in the dark but I can’t flip the light on. I don’t want to. I just want to hide and melt away for a few hours. I wonder if I have bipolar tendencies? I almost didn’t leave the house today but didn’t have the energy to break my plans. I think that shows a sign of not being bipolar...idk. Is it the lower dosage that’s making feel more exposed? Possibly but I wanted this so I’ll have to navigate these emotions until I have better control or I go back to the higher dosage.

I have been good about remembering what gets me through all this haze: Kelenna. This face though! So thankful for you baby dragon. And thankful for your dad who has to put up with my mood swings. Sorry Frank :(.

6.1.20

Low moment today: Seeing someone pregnant is triggering for me. I wish I was pregnant. I hate feeling like I’m jealous but it’s what it feels like to me and I don’t like it. I knowi can have babies. I’ve proven it. I just can’t wait to have another!

Happy moments today:

1. hugging, holding, and celebrating Kelenna.

2. Imagining what she’d be like as a toddler, then as a student.

3. Wishing for the time when things are open and she can be out in public!

5.31.20

I thought a lot about Chioma today. My dad too. I told Frank we should transfer Chioma’s ashes today. We still didn’t. It’s still hard voluntarily opening yourself up. However I ended the day on a good note. Pumped, fed Kelenna, put her to sleep, then smoked a joint. The best thing about the Summer is the summer nights. Felt relaxing standing in the dark staring at the stars. I felt happy. Happy to have Kelenna and to be her mom. Made me think about how having a child is like having a new best friend. Someone who is always with you, who wants to be around you, and who gets to see the real you 100% of the time. When I’m sad about Chioma, I hug and kiss Kelenna. Not many mothers are in the situation I am and I’ll never forget how lucky I am to have her💜

5.12.20

My first Mother’s Day was emotional but overall pretty pleasant. I reminded myself to stay positive today and it helped that I felt and was treated special. If I didn't have Kelenna than that day would’ve been extremely hard. Then again, not sure I would’ve survived losing both my girls...

Back to a lighter note, back to a lighter note. My mother-in-law made french toast for breakfast, mimosas (that only I drank), and gave me a card with flowers. Frank gave me a dash cam (#engineerhusband) which I’m pretty excited for. Frank played photographer as I dressed Kelenna and myself up. During these quarantine days, making yourself look pretty at least once a month is really great for your self-esteem :). I’m happy we got to document this day with her. She melts my heart and I am beyond grateful for her. I love how her little personality is continuing to grow and show. She’s truly the perfect miracle in my  life. She’s always been a fighter and I can’t stay mad at her- even when she’s refusing to breastfeed (insert *eye roll* emoji).

I miss Chioma. She should’ve been here to experience her first Mother’s Day. I know I will say it over and over but the feeling of loss will never go away. I made sure Frank and I set aside time to revisit Chioma’s memory box (similar to the one pictured below). You may think that having pictures of a child you loss and the moments when you got to hold them and say goodbye would be hard to look at or something no parent would want, but I’m glad we have those pictures. They pull us back to those moments when we were full of love, heartbreak, and sadness. Her memory box includes things like: 2 multi-page letters we wrote to her after she died, a Disney pin that says “I’m am celebrating Twins” from our baby moon, a bracelet with her name wrapped around a premie beanie, cards documenting her birth, hand and foot prints, and a memory book to write notes to/or about her. We’re so thankful for the nurse that made it for us and the pictures of her hands and feet that were taken after we said our goodbyes. We also printed pictures from my pregnancy and some ultrasounds to add to the box.

I was ready to be in a place to grieve but my tears wouldn’t flow. I blame the drugs. Another reason why i want to stop taking them. I really could’ve used a good cry. We still need to set aside time to transfer her ashes. We’ve picked a place to scatter/bury whatever doesn’t fit in the heart-shaped urn and my keepsake necklace. Don’t know if any moment will be the right time but I know it needs to happen. If not soon then at least before what would’ve been her first birthday.

I want to stop taking my anti-depressants. I’m not against anyone taking anti-depressants, I just don’t want to anymore. I guess I don’t have a valid reason aside from just not wanting to take them anymore. I want to feel and I still believe that Zoloft is, in a way, keeping me from feeling. I still have moments when I just want to cry and be alone with my emotions. I miss my dad so much. I miss my baby girl so much too. It’s such a strange situation losing someone who’s been in my life for 33 years and lose someone who was in my life for 23 weeks. Why did this happen to me? I know it’s a cliché question to ask in situations like this but why, why, WHY?! I wish I had a genie to grant me three wishes. I’d wish for my dad to still be alive, Chioma to still be alive, and of course, 5 million dollars :)

5.3.20

“Today is Bereaved Mother’s Day. This is the day where we hold space for mothers who have endured the unfathomable loss of a child. A mother’s grief is as timeless as her love. ..for there is no stronger person than a grieving mother that wakes up and keeps going every morning.”

Today I chose to celebrate Chioma Angel Okezie-Sanchez. After her passing she made sure her sister stayed safe and untouched inside of me. The 30 days she gave us to be together increased Kelenna’s chances of survival. Chioma and Kelenna give me the strength to keep going, though it can be just as hard as it was when we first lost her. So many people can tell you it’s “don’t be sad” and to “be happy with the child you have” but tell me this, which child of yours would you be able to live without?

Sending love to all the mothers out there who have lost a child💜

#twinlesstwin

#bereavedmothersday

#postpartum

#twinmom

#elasticheart

5.1.20

I want to make it a point to remember the proud moments I have so that I don’t lean too much on the not-so-proud ones.

Proud Moment 1: I am, and always will be, a twin mom. 

Proud Moment 2: Kelenna is a beautiful, healthy baby

Proud moment 3: I’m getting in physical and emotional exercises. 

So far I’ll stick to 3 moments. I’m sure there are more but I don’t want to get too ahead of myself. I’ll just try to let this happiness ride until the wheels come off. Ugh, there I go, already thinking about how to bring in the dark. I should go to sleep. 

Me: “I miss my Dodgers!!”

4.28.20