blues de toi

My summer holiday is almost here. In a week I’m going to be moving in a brand new beautiful apartment, and straight after, skipping town for a month. No work, no conference calls, no meetings, no clients and no email. Oh joy.

This trip of course also marks the last days before our wedding. It’s a little bittersweet for me, getting married. It’s something I’ve always fantasized about quietly, as probably most girls do. However, it’s also in some ways a strange turn of events. Don’t get me wrong, my life won’t be changing in any significant way from when I was in a relationship. It does seem somehow finite though, which in turn makes me a little solemn.

As much as I’ve always loved weddings and wanted one of my own, I’m not sure I’m 100% convinced by marriage. I love my fiancé far more than I could ever describe in words, but there are times when I find myself thinking “is this the right thing for me?” Since the whole idea of marriage goes against my ideology, it’s odd to be moving in that direction willingly. In my opinion, there’s a reason why marriages don’t work, or rarely do. They work for a couple of years, and eventually, a conflict is bound to break up the happiness. Whether it be financial issues, lack of growth, feeling sexually unsatisfied, boredom, unexpressed feelings, and restlessness. If you ask me, it all boils down to the frustration that springs from having made a decision for lifetime. How could you not get frustrated? How often do you otherwise go into something and have to sign a lifelong agreement to stay on that path?  If you look back at your life 5 years earlier, would you have known what path you would be on today? So why do we expect that we will know what’s right for us 5 years from now?

We sign agreements to love someone, but what if they are not loveable anymore in some years’ time? What if you are not loveable? What if some deep personal crisis like loss of a loved one, or personal insecurities and anxieties make you a different person than you were when they agreed to love you? What if you get the urge to travel and see the world, and your partner wants to settle down and have children? What if you realize you can’t or don’t want to have children? What if you meet someone who seems like a better fit for you?

Personal growth is important to me. It’s imperative to read, to be enlightened, and to always seek to evolve and become a better person. Become a better chef. Become a better professional. Enjoy time more and learn to relax. Go to more concerts. Go to more cultural events. Appreciate crowds. Be more spontaneous and less afraid. Be less jealous and possessive. I know, very ambitious goals, but complacency is one condition I’m not willing to accept. 

I sincerely hope that in the future, he will also continue to strive for self-development. I cannot guarantee that we will be a union forever, and neither can he.  We can grow together and experience new things together. Sharing happiness makes happiness so much better. I guess what matters mostly, is to choose their company every day. Not just accept it as status quo because you have a signed agreement, but to accept every day as an opportunity to learn more about them, and cherish them for the traits they possess. It’s important to have standards and expectations for one another, but also for one self. To not only ask, but also to give in abundance.

Writing heals. I forgot how much I enjoy putting “pen to paper” to explain myself, even if I’m the only one reading. Because I do re-read everything. I’ll even remark how profound some of the stuff I’ve written is. Some of it is garbage, but I am keeping them to remind myself of where I’ve been and where I’m going. I don’t know why I need to explain anything, none of the people I am explaining to will ever read my writings, but I guess I also sometimes need to clarify to myself. Living with myself for all these years still doesn’t make me an expert on myself. Sometimes I wonder why I certain things or behave certain ways. I would say I am fundamentally a good person. I’ve been morally corrupt from time to time, but haven’t we all? Maybe that’s just my way of comforting myself, but I do believe that everyone’s made mistakes and created situations they’re not proud of. However, I’ve learned. I’ve evolved. 

And now I am here. I am in a happy state. I’m engaged to the love of my life. I have a great career. I have a baby nephew that I would give my life for. On the surface, I lead a happy, fulfilled life. But underneath it, I’m terribly anxious and I suffer a great insecurity for an unknown reason. I noticed it last year. I was flying back home from an amazing vacation with my fiance, and suddenly, during the flight, I started crying. My tears were deep sobs that I couldn’t control for the remainder of the trip. I was terrified and convinced that I was heading for my demise on this trip.

Since then, I carry an anxiety that’s inexplicable to me. I haven’t discussed it with a professional because I’ve mostly been in denial. Thought it was a phase. I don’t want to believe that it’s possible for me to suffer any psychologic condition. I’ve always been under the impressional that my psyche was much more robust than the average person’s. That’s not just assumptions. I’ve been tested many times, I’ve been through difficult things, personally and family related. But I’ve always been strong and never buckled under.

My interpretation is that now, I’m in a place in my life where I feel safe and secure, all my underlying issues are beginning to rear their ugly heads. Everything that I never thought much of before, and suppressed, is calling upon me now to be handled. It waited until I was capable, and now that I can deal with it, it’s time. 

I am afraid of dying. I am afraid that the people close to me will die. I have so much to live for. I am getting married soon. I want to have a child. I want to enjoy many years together with my fiance. I want to see my nephew grow up and be a guiding light in is life. As his godmother, it’s my duty to make sure that he makes the right decisions, and that he feels loved throughout. I want to see my parents grow old. I want to feel accomplished in my career. I want to make new, great friends. I want to travel and see the world. The bucket list is endless, but my fears are all consuming and invalidating.

My job is taking me on an overseas business trip next week, and I have been quietly panicking for the past month. Being in the air for 12 hours is unbearable, I can’t even grasp the idea. I have no faith in the pilot’s abilities and the plane’s construction. I am confident that my time has come. It’s crazy talk to any normal individual, and I am fully aware that my odds of dying are much greater just by crossing the street walking, but there is no logic in anxieties. My fear dictates, and everything else takes a backseat.

It's strange how we all live, every day an experience richer, yet refuse to learn from failures if the lesson stands in the way of our illusions. Some people are so hellbent on repeating the same actions for an infinite amount of times, always expecting new results, and constantly perplexed by the fact that the outcome is still- the- same. Granted, we've been taught not to give up on people, and always to assume there's room for change, so more often than not, we allow people the benefit of the doubt. 100% of the time, words aren't worth more than the person you hear utter them, so the most important lesson we can teach ourselves is to believe in actions ahead of them. How incredibly naive to think that someone can live up to their promises, especially the ones that leave no room for all the things that might go wrong. Optimism is great when you are a child, but when we're faced with the cruel reality of the world and all its other residents, optimism becomes nothing more but a quaint fixture of childhood, like the Tooth Fairy and Santa. It is not an option for anyone who's left the safety of their own home, and illusions, in recent time. Sure, every once in a while there will be a report of a sunshine story, but most of what we're faced with doesn't exactly encourage the belief in humanity. As much as you may want to believe what someone tells you, for the sake of your sweet childish beliefs and naivete, it's not an option. Instead, we are all better off basing our judgment on experience and actions. Don't be so quick to throw caution to the wind, and don't assume things without knowing them for a fact. Our emotions are fragile and easily damaged,we should be guarding them with all our might, instead of trusting the smallest inclinations. Our hearts aren't as easily healed as we wish, and pain doesn't go away overnight. At times it stays with us for years and affects the decisions we make thereafter, not to mention our views towards ourselves. 

I'm aware that in this tremendously big and selfish world, people are starved for someone to share their lives with; someone to make it all worth while. But this can't be a choice you offer anyone; it's something you offer those who haven't caved at the first hurdle, those who are brave enough to admit that there will be dark days, those who have the courage to tell you they don't have it all figured out, but would enjoy the company on the road to enlightenment, and lastly those who never promise you more than they can offer today. It might not be the grand romantic gesture that you foolishly believe is going to happen eventually if you keep believing hard enough, but it's the only promise of something real and and worthwhile. Don't spend your time looking for love and for the extraordinary to happen, it won't. Don't have high expectations for anyone, let them set the bar. Don't be disappointed by someone who doesn't behave a certain way, your expectations are not their cross to carry. Life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel, and finding people to share it with is not an instant thing. It's not built on what you see. Live your life fearlessly and let every person you meet influence and shape you. Eventually, you'll find that someone has been a greater influence than everyone else. Spend more time with that person, and enjoy the fact that you have encountered someone who inspires you. Not just someone who you think could be the great love of your life, but someone who actually has done something and offered you something of value on an intellectual and emotional level. Those people are worth keeping around, because when appearance and promises fade, you'll still have someone around to inspire you to keep going in this sometimes meaningless, monotonous existence that we lead.