blue razz

        she  can’t  seem  to  remember  the  last  time  she  brought  someone  home  that  wasn’t  flynn  .  not  that  she  ever  needs  to  be  invited  .  it’s  her  understanding  that  they’ve  made  an  unspoken  deal  a  long  time  ago  which  essentially  gives  flynn  all  the  rights  to  come  &  go  as  she  pleases  .  it’s  simply  not  a  host  &  guest  situation  when  it  comes  to  them  anymore  ,  so  it’s  fair  to  say  she’s  forgotten  what  it’s  like  to  have  people  over  who  don’t  have  barging  in  rights  .  at  least  ,  not  yet  .

        slightly  taken  aback  by  the  almost  too  quick  response  to  her  question  ,  she  tries  to  hide  her  confusion  behind  a  chuckle  .  a  glimmer  of  suspicion  dancing  in  dark  orbs  gives  her  away  ,  though  &  she  tilts  her  head  as  she  surveys  the  other  .  “  well  ,  we  wouldn’t  wanna  walk  in  on  any  human  sacrifices  or  anything  .  “  a  knowing  look  &  the  quip  is  forgotten  as  she  rummages  through  her  pocket  to  pull  out  her  phone  .  “  but  yeah  ,  it’s  cool  ,  i’m  just  gonna  text  my  dad  real  quick  .  i’ll  let  him  know  we’re  on  our  way  &  in  desperate  need  of  study  snacks  .  “

       this  is  a  good  thing  —  she  keeps  trying  to  convince  herself  as  they  finally  walk  out  of  the  classroom  side  by  side  .  she  likes  to  think  she’s  a  good  judge  of  character  .  she  has  to  remind  herself  of  that  in  moments  of  doubt  .  but  really  ,  she’s  only  happy  dirty  candy  didn’t  morph  into  one  big  julie-hating  blob  .  or  ,  well  ,  if  the  rest  of  them  did  ,  she’s  happy  ro  doesn’t  seem  to  be  among  them  .  “  any  snack  requests  ?  “  

Ro’s minor nervous outburst was quickly played off and forgotten. Soon enough, the two girls were walking down the hall together, partnership formed, plans made, and location set. Everything was going as well as Ro could have imagined ----

Until heart started to beat faster as yet another warning crossed her mind. What if Carrie saw the two of them together? Then all Ro’s progress would be ruined. Carrie would undoubtedly say something mean, and Ro would have to choose between sticking up for Julie or standing by her friend. Ro knew that she was taking a risk by talking to Julie -- but it seemed kind of ridiculous that she had to try and narrowly avoid disaster twice in the first ten minutes since she approached her!

“Huh?” Ro asked absently as she glanced up and down the hallway. On the lookout. “Oh! Uhm -- are you gonna think it’s totally cliche if I say candy? Anything blue and sour, actually.” Even though color coding was something the DC girls mostly did for fun, it actually started with some basis of sense. Blue raspberry was Ro’s favorite flavor of anything. It was part of the reason why Tanya wore the orange wig despite Ro already having naturally red hair. She smiled at Julie in a way that let her know she was at least half-joking, and entirely aware of how obnoxious she sounded. “Gotta maintain the brand, ya know?”

       she can’t even imagine how ro must feel .           she  doesn’t  want  to  try,   either,   but  that  seems  insensitive  to  even  think,   so  kayla  quickly  swats  the  thought  from  her  mind  and  wraps  her  arm  a  little  tighter  around  the  other  girl.       SIMPLY PUT  ,   DEATH SCARES HER.       she  doesn’t  like  dwelling  on  it  or  all  the  unanswered  questions  surrounding  it,    not  when  she’s  got  so  much  untapped  life  within  her,    so  kayla  moves  to  pour  all  her  energy  into  making  ro  feel  better  so  they  both  don’t  fall  down  some  sort  of  weird  black  hole.       whether  she  likes  it  or  not,    her  father  has  always  been  there  for  her.       sometimes  kayla  wishes  he  wasn’t,    what  with  the  way  he  takes  her  trophies  and  passes  them  around  as  if  it’s  his  name  engraved  on  them,    but  that  off  -  kilter  kind  of  pride  is  better  than  nothing  at  all.      she  thinks  if  someone  she  knew,    someone  she  loved,    ever  died    (  and the day will come  ,     she’s just been lucky so far.   )     she  would  think  about  them  forever.         no  grief  could  ever  last  long  enough,     no  grave  could  ever  be    DEEP    enough  to  bury  the  love  she  was  left  with  nowhere  to  put.         no,   kayla  doesn’t   know   the  feeling,  but  maybe  that’s  how  ro  feels  about  her  dad.       and  that’s  all  she  needs  to  stay  put.      

    ❛     you’re  my  sweet  spot.       if  you’re  happy,    we’re  all  happy.      got  it  ?   ❜        she  gently  taps  ro’s  nose  for  emphasis,    her  tone  very  matter  -  of  -  fact,   just  like  everything  else  about  her.      kayla  flashes  her  a  small  smile  before  looking  back  at  the  television.      a  moment  passes  before  a  grimace  overtakes  her,    before  she  realizes  that  she  really  hasn’t  been  paying  attention  to   …    whatever  this  movie  is  at  all.        ❛    …  but  hey,  so  like,   why  do  you  like  this  movie  so  much  ?      all  the  outfits  are  super  cute,   super  vintage.   ❜        a  last  ditch  effort  to  save  herself  some  embarrassment.      that,   and  to  hear  ro  talk  about  something  she  loves.      this  time,   kayla  will  be  sure  to  listen.

Ro had a missing piece. Something that in all fairness should have been there. A part of her that she wasn’t herself without. Or so that was how her grief could make her feel. Although it seemed that way at times, her loss wasn’t something that defined her. Shaped her, for sure. Cut away at her silhouette so that when held up to light, her shadow cast a form completely new.

This newness was something she was learning to adjust to. And she really did feel like with time it was getting easier. It used to feel impossible. When she lost her father, it felt like she lost everything. He was made of love, and without him it felt like she had none left. But eventually she was able to see how much love could still be found in the people around her, and that her father’s love wasn’t really lost, but it was left behind for her to find when she needed it.

Her father left a lot of his love in Cily, and when she moved away to Boston, Ro felt like for every step she and her sister took forward, she’d taken two steps back. She felt like she was alone again. But Ro had been better prepared for her loss this time around. She knew all of love’s favorite hiding places.

She found love in her friends. Her girls. In Kayla, and Tanya, and Naomi, and yes -- even Carrie. She found love tucked under Kayla’s arm, snuggled into her side and pressed into the couch in her own living room. She found love in the sound of Kayla’s voice, and in the soft tap to her nose, and in the kind way her friend at least pretended to be invested in the film Ro so enthusiastically insisted they’d watch together.

As soon as Mr. Hutchinson left the classroom, Ro turned around in her seat to glare at Nick T. Her knuckles were white as she gripped her chair, a contrast to her cheeks that were blooming red with anger. She wanted to make it painfully obvious how much she resented him for landing them both in detention -- on today of all days! Carrie was no doubt gonna chew her out for missing rehearsal. Not to mention the extra hours she was gonna have to put in to catch up with the other girls on Kayla’s choreo.

She shook her head slowly and narrowed her eyes at him, just in case the message still wasn’t clear.

          was  she  dreaming?  it  certainly  felt  that  way.  like  a  group  of  camera  guys  were  going  to  jump  out  from  around  her  like  an  episode  of  punk’d  as  soon  as  she  let  down  her  guard,  the  instant  barriers  that  she  had  built  in  the  presence  of  carrie  wilson  or  any  of  her  dirty  candy  band  members  going  up  instantly  before  the  female  had  even  been  given  the  chance  to  finish  her  comment.  “  what’s  the  catch?  ”  maybe  the  comment  had  come  off  a  lot  harsher  than  she  had  actually  intended  for  it  to  do  but  in  her  defence,  this  whole  scenario  was  very,  very  new  to  her.  rosalind  had  been  someone  that  she  associated  with  the  devil  carrie  ever  since  she  had  joined  the  band  and  while  she  hadn’t  necessarily  done  anything  or  said  anything  that  flynn  didn’t  like,  it  was  almost  as  if  she  was  guilty  by  association  at  this  point.  it  was  no  secret  how  much  the  teenage  girls  disliked  one  another.  “  sorry  …  that  came  out  a  lot  meaner  than  I  intended  for  it  to.  what  I  mean,  is:  won’t  carrie  moan  about  you  helping  if  she  catches  you?  ”  staying  behind  at  school  after  hours  wasn’t  a  particularly  favourite  way  for  flynn  to  spend  her  time  so  she  usually  made  it  a  rare  occasion  BUT  with  an  upcoming  school  dance  that  she  had  been  asked  to  DJ  for  and  all  of  her  spare  time  spent  helping  julie  and  the  band  with  their  marketing,  this  was  the  only  time  she  seemed  to  get  to  herself.  which  would  have  been  fine  if  the  mixes  that  she  was  working  on  actually  sounded  good.  her  frustration  shining  through  clearly.  “  what  do  you  know  about  mixing  music?  ”  genuine  curiosity  in  her  voice.

Yeah. Carrie would probably kill Ro if she spotted her talking to Flynn. They were technically supposed to be enemies. Eventhough Ro never supported the feud -- not actively anyway. The best she could do was stand silently by her friend’s side when issues with Julie or Flynn came up. Ro liked Julie and Flynn -- as much as a classmate who’d never spoken a word to them could. Being around them in the music program was all Ro needed to know how insanely talented they were. Not only that, but they were cool, and funny, and nice.

Carrie claimed that their falling out was something that couldn’t be forgiven -- but Ro didn’t think that was the whole story. She knew what Julie had been through, and she understood it better than a lot of their other classmates could. And as far as Ro was concerned, Flynn’s only crime was loyally sticking by Julie’s side while the rest of the world gave up on her.

Despite her sympathy, Ro’s friendship with Carrie and her role as a member of Dirty Candy was supposed to come before all that. Just because Carrie was being too stubborn for her own good didn’t mean her feelings about Julie and Fynn weren’t at least a little justified. And Ro couldn’t risk her relationship with her and the other DC girls -- not when she owed them so much.

But this wasn’t that much of a risk, was it? Carrie had already left school to go on an inspiration journey for Dirty Candy’s next video, and there was no reason for her to come back to the music room this late in the afternoon.

         “  you’re  awfully  disappointed  about  the  name  on  that  card,  aren’t  you  ?  “  her  senses  are  tingling  as  she  watches  the  girl  slowly  lose  enthusiasm  for  the  undoubtedly  cheesy  card  in  her  hand.  something  tells  her  she  expected  someone  else  to  drop  a  valentine’s  card  in  her  locker.  it’s  not  like  it  doesn’t  feel  weirdly  satisfying  to  get a  valentine’s  gift  from  someone,  regardless  of  who  they  are.  but  sometimes,  you  can’t  help  but  want  a  certain  someone  to  give  you  some  stupid  heart  shaped  candy  &  let  you  know  they  were  thinking  about  you.  she’s  hardly  a  fan  of  this  particular  day,  but  she  has  her  moments.  &  she  gets  it.  “  do  you  have  a  crush  you  haven’t  told  me  about  yet  ?  “

Ro didn’t notice her own pout as she inspected the card in her hand, unimpressed. For a fleeting moment when she opened her locker and saw that someone had wedged a token of affection among her otherwise mundane academic necessities, she believed in the impossible. Her heart leapt at the idea that the card had been left by someone who she was so convinced in a million years would never do such a thing. But when she held the Valentine and peered at the scrawl of some clueless boy, her heart fell back into the disappointing depths of reality.

She looked up at Julie, surprised more by how obviously she made her own feelings than by how well her friend could read her expression. Her pout deepend. She wasn’t sure how much she wanted to reveal to the other girl. She wanted to talk to Julie about it -- sorta. She wanted to talk to someone about it. There were pretty obvious reasons why she hadn’t told any of the DC girls, and Cily had been too busy lately to discuss anything this significant.

She tucked the card behind the books in her locker. She didn’t want to look at it anymore, but something about publically throwing it away felt too cruel.

said: Reggie leaves a little valentine on Ro's desk for her since she was out when he poofed in. He took a pick and cut it into the shape of a heart and put it next to the little bell she'd set up for him to use as a ghost doorbell, sharpied "R+R" on it

What. A. Fucking. Day.

Overall, she was proud of what she’d managed to accomplish. Her mom had single handedly snacked through nearly all the heart-shaped strawberry sugar cookies the two of them baked together last night. Cily actually took time out of her busy schedule to facetime Ro in the middle of the school day to show her little sister proof of the tears she shed when she opened the Valentine’s-themed care package Ro mailed to Boston. She’d gotten heartfelt thank you texts from each of the DC girls ( even Carrie ) telling her how much they adored her gifts to them. Despite the overwhelming amount of unsolicited attention she’d gotten from oblivious admirers at school, and how positively drained it all left her, she felt good about her day.

She closed the door to her bedroom and plopped herself at her desk to rest for the first time since she’d gotten up that morning. While she pushed her bag to the side and looked for one of her favorite books to reread, she noticed the tiny blue heart next to her old earring.

Her chest swelled with a mix of joy and guilt. Reggie had been here -- Reggie had made her something -- the pick may have been blue, but her own heart was blooming with reds and pinks and -- and she hadn’t gotten him anything. She frowned at the little ‘R + R’ as she traced the edge of the pick with her fingertips. The simple craft must have taken a lot for him to do, but he did it for her.

With a determined breath, she sat up straight, leaned the Valentine against the base of her desk lamp, and got to thinking. What do you even get a ghost for Valentine’s day? She wasn’t sure she could give him something that he could take with him . . . she couldn't bake anything for him to eat . . . 

Her eyes wandered until they landed on the well-worn spine of one of her most frequented texts. Her Folger’s edition of Shakespeare's Sonnets and Poems. Maybe she couldn’t give him a physical gift, but she could give him something he could remember. Maybe not a full blown sonnet, but something sweet to tell him how she felt.

said: Nick T gives Ro a valentine. It's just a hand-cut heart out of blue construction paper, but it has glitter on it and a small box of chocolate

Her girls weren’t around, so naturally, she was on guard. She took quick, deliberate steps down the hall, holding her books tight to her chest and ducking her head to avoid the inevitable onslaught of boys who just couldn’t get a clue. If it had been any other day, it wouldn’t have been likely for Ro to be approached without the context of the other girls -- but because it was this day, it seemed, anyone who’d be too nervous to talk to her under normal circumstances was granted an impotent boost of courage, and anyone who normally wouldn’t recognize her without her blue wig now made a special effort to hand out each of their color-coded, candy-coated valentines to their respective recipients with the hopes of proving themselves each to be DC’s most devoted fan.

Barf barf barfity barf.

Ro wasn’t one of those people who were philosophically opposed to Valentine’s day. Actually, she was quite the romantic. She loved the idea of devoting a day to the celebration of something as wonderful as love, and she thrived when presented with any opportunity to express her admiration for those she cared about. Her problem with the holiday was all the unwanted attention from people she didn’t care for at all.

She frowned at herself. For a second, she considered that maybe her internal monologue had gotten a bit too harsh -- and just when she was about to let out a dismissive sigh, she collided with the mop-headed cupid who’d been waiting in the way of her locker. She almost dropped her books, almost knocked whatever he was holding out of his hands -- and almost let a day’s worth of frustration out on him before she realized who she bumped into and what he’d been waiting to give to her.

“Nick T,” she observed with an mix of relief and exhaustion. She glanced at his gift, then to him, then back to the gift. Blue -- Candy -- How perfectly cliche. Still, her lips twitched almost imperceptibly in what could have been mistaken for a smile. Out of all the boys that day who’d tried to present her with an overdone symbol of affection, Nick T was among the most tolerable. In fact, so tolerable that he might even be of some use.

“I didn’t get you anything.” More of a statement of fact than an apology. Without taking the Valentine from him, she began to open her locker and put her books away. When everything was where it should be, she gestured for him to hand over the heart and hung it up on the inside of her locker door with a round blue magnet. She finally gave him a real smile and nodded in approval before holding her hand out for the box of chocolates so she could slip them into her bag.