i love blu team

frequent tags:

#fishpost - misc chatter

#blupost - general blu team info

#redpost - those guys

#tf2post - all / general tf2 stuff

Being a clone starts to become very confusing for BLU Spy. It's something that doesn't get covered as much in the fic because recovering from the spyhead incident kind of took priority, but he begins to realize a lot of things don't make sense.

He doesn't remember his youth. Everything before world war 2 is a vague blur to him. He latched on to the first thing he could remember: when he was first recruited for espionage in the war, he told them his name was Sylvain. He doesn't know more than that. He doesn't know it was another lie.

Sylvain is very twisted up in RED Spy's lies. Since his mother was from Spain, RED Spy had a Spanish name. It felt personal. Once his parents had unfortunately passed in the French resistance, he abandoned that side of himself. He became "Sylvain" as his first false identity.

BLU Spy doesn't start to realize that until later. He doesn't seek out what his name should have been, he lets himself make that identity his own, at least.

But when he plays the piano, he gets whispers of memories. Ones of hands guiding his own on the keys. The smell of flowers in the warm southern France climate. He tries not to chase after it. He tries to be content with what he has, but the sweet vague sense of free and gentle times makes his heart ache. Especially in comparison the pain that comes from what the gravel war has put him through.

He also doesn't stop having difficulties after he's recovered a bit more from the incident. It's something I want to make clearer in the rewrite, I intend for him to be a cane user due to neurological balance issues! His epilepsy is more managed by medication later, but the seizures don't seem to fully stop. The stress and strain of the lifestyle he's forced into wears at his health.

Sometimes he has seizures on the battlefield. Unfortunately, if the enemy doesn't put him out of his misery, it's often the best practice for even his teammates to send him through Respawn to give his body some relief.

Spy's PTSD is very hard on him. Even once things have calmed down, he still is often woken in the night by nightmares of red gloved hands. It all was something that cut down to his core and made him feel defiled.

I really dig into that more in the rewrite. Every inch of him feels desecrated for some time. Even his body, mostly unscathed, feels filthy to him. He saw his body torn apart, its organs harvested on that horrible doctor's table. Even if he wasn't attached to his body at the time, it still felt very violating. Vulnerability is something that hurts for a while.

He feels very lucky that Engineer is so gentle and careful with him. If it weren't for Dell, he isn't sure if he would have been able to keep going. Engineer promises once they're free from the war, he'll keep Spy safe. Nobody will ever hurt him again. Spy can at least keep that promise in his mind as a hope, a goal to help him keep going. He thinks of it over and over again like a smooth stone in his hand.