Let's start this off right: I have hemorrhoids

“Order, I say, order!” He chimed. Peryite rested his head as his temper fumed.

“Give me that royal ass! Aren’t you sickened by the violating hands of mortals slithering into our realm and taking our servants? I say we violate them back.” The Prince who said this needs no identification. He turned over to the woman quietly scrying far across the table. “And what are you up to, Azura? You secretive bitch!”

Hermaeus Mora slithered by, his casual negligence of his tentacles and their proximity to bodies giving Molag Bal a much arousing shiver.

“Vivec?” He cried out in desperate want.

Azura burst into laughter.

“Your lover is still struggling to maintain power in his faux temples. Don’t worry, I’m quite certain you and him shall see each other again.”

“I’ll rape you! I’ll rape all of you!”

“Order! Nothing gets done if everyone is just shouting what they want!”

“You’re shouting you want order.” Azura said as her second self spoke whispers upon dying sun rays to her servants far away.

“Yes, but what I want is best for all.” Peryite hissed.

“Azura.” Groaned out Mora. “Perhaps you and I shall discuss Morrowind. I have schedules with a certain part of it, if all works out accordingly. Shall we see if there’s any conflicts….or rather,” His voice dragged into a malevolent growl. “How far you intend to influence it.”

The sudden stink of wet swine and carcass invaded the room and all but Malacath quivered at the intense rancid mist only a Prince of dying animals could marinate and concoct.

“Morrowind, we speak? What business have any of you with it?” Hircine said.

“Far more than a mere hunt.” Mora replied.

“Technically you want Solstheim, idiot.” Azura said. “Keep that filthy isle. It’ll make a great dumping ground for your hogs and dogs. So please tell them to stop defecating on the meeting floor!”

Malacath rose out his seat and slammed his hand against the table.

“Stop oppressing his personality!!”

Sanguine’s mind found its way through the intoxicated fog.

“We should think of how to care for the Emperor. Uriel knows the pleasures of life and beyond, let’s at least be gracious hosts for a while.”

“If it’s sustenance he needs…” Namira gracefully but with quick purpose uncurtained her left breast, revealing a mushroom infested rot lump quivering with the release of new age pus, “…let’s give him a taste. They say in strife a man may find his star.”

Sanguine’s cheeks ballooned with a torrent of vomit, only withdrawn with hesitation and reminders of his drinks the night before.

Throw my lands into CHAOS! THE EMPIRE IS DESTINED TO FALL AS ARE ALL THINGS! I refuse to rest until we usurp the throne and GIVE ME WHAT IS MINE!!

A xivali risked it and whispered into the ear of his lord, reminding him of their meddlings in Nirn and the long term benefits. Suddenly the disappearance of Uriel Septim VII seemed to work just perfectly.

I WITHDRAW MY DEMANDS. PROCEED AS YOU WISH. I AM PLEASED.

The moving flow of stars left Azura’s eyes as she snapped to Dagon.

“What does that mean? What are you scheming?”

NOTHING. STATEMENTS WITHDRAWN FROM I. ONLY APATHY TOWARDS THIS MADNESS.

“Bullshit!” Azura screamed. “You monkey-looking maniac, what are your plans? Give them to me!”

Molag folded his arms and chuckled heartily.

“You plot too? I’ve got my eyes and servants on your vampiric hordes!”

“I’ll have my vampiric hordes on your servants as well.”

“Fucker dick! I’ll have a little surprise for your boyfriend.”

“Taking a male form are we?”

“Now why would I want to make you insecure?”

“God….damn…” Sanguine muttered through his pants. “The banter…”

Meridia hummed to herself as the outline of her form danced through many colors and lights. Peryite had used them to comfort his mind until he realize there was no pattern to them after spending half an hour thinking there was. It only swelled his stress. The maiden of lights just watched as others spoke, keeping note on Mehrunes Dagon and his sudden satisfaction.

Clavicus Vile had spent the whole meeting uttering conflicting information to pin the Princes against each other but none had cared to listen. Despite Sanguine’s invitation to a meeting afterparty, Vile proceeded back to his realm to listen to music and ponder if he had lost his touch.

“Why do you all fret so wearily?” Yawned out Mephala. “Is it not enough the Empire has been deceived by a falsehood, a falsehood that this Jagar Tharn will be unable to keep up? He’s a sneak with no knowledge of how to rule. With patience we shall see the Empire tear itself apart.”

“Death to evil!” Yelled out a paladin as he leapt upon the center of the table. “By the Nine I see all the vileness of all the worlds at conference! You fools! You merely line your heads for an execution!”

“ENOUGH!!!” Peryite shrieked as he slid onto the table, wrapped himself around the paladin and vomited cancerous surges down his throat. The paladin’s body erupted piece by piece into blood plops and infested meats.

“Whoa ho ho! Sick!” Molag Bal laughed as he pulled up to the edge of his seat.

For Sanguine this was hilarious but with the upset caused by Namira’s prior exhibition, it was the last straw. He later stood in a two foot hill of his own upheave.

“Boethiah doesn’t even bother showing up but she sends her pranks!” Peryite shouted. “ORDER I DECLARE! BAGAWK! ORDER!!” He span his head wildly in circles as Meridia slid over to talk to Dagon, as Namira began to produce lewd and putrid juices while darkness overwhelmed her among the vomit - which pile of vomit is up to you - while Nocturnal stood as she did since the beginning and waited for the ramblings and initial madness to exhaust itself to only incredibly irritating levels. She could exert her status and speak truths of the void but that cannot be withered in use. Namira knew of Nocturnal’s presence, which stirred her lewdness in the first place.

“Shut the fuck up!” Azura yelled as she hurled an ebony moon AND a star at the dragon. Peryite’s temporary fray into insanity had already expended itself in the taking of a life so he took the blunt damage as a reminder to maintain himself and returned to his seat. He left the tumor vomit corpse as punishment.

"What takes Nocturnal so long?" asked Azura.

Molag Bal whipped out his menacing rod and smiled as the narrative was now forced to use unpleasant innuendos.

“Yeah, where is she? I wouldn’t mind a threesome with you and her.”

Sheogorather blurred his form as his torso leaned in 45 degrees to the cloaked and despicably fragrant Prince of Nightmares. The blur was to hide or perhaps make notice of his legs remaining strictly upright. Lips popped in and out in a bubble fashion about Vaermina’s head, whispering plots. She took heed of each as she held her sharp chin in thought.

“Tell me your voices on this, Mad Prince. Nightmares for one long stayed in Oblivion will only seem like the anxieties of one in a crime ridden village. Horror awaits in memories of a world far kinder growing more distant away.”

Sheogorath nodded before jerking his neck abruptly and collapsing on the ground. A Sheogorath from within the corpse emerged, ripping through the carcass as if it were paper. The mouths around Vaermina’s head whispered in fear as they beheld the display. The new Sheogorath stepped out of his corpse like a man at last ready to attend the ball. He rolled the corpse into a paper ball and tossed it to the side. The mouths parted, allowing a silent one in the back to fly onto the featureless jaw of the Mad Prince, cracking a growing smile as it glided through the air.

“Old ideas scrapped, Vaermina!” His golden eyes sharpened. “This dream business has a lot more potential than what those deviled eggs over there are cooking up! I say, why torture the man any further? Give him pleasant sanity from these wonderful waters.”

“Help the Emperor? You’ve intrigued me before, I thought you’d be pleased with another Pelagius.”

“Bitch, please.” He chuckled. “Pelagius is more than one Pelagius as far as he and I are concerned. Besides, the Septim’s head is already a festival. The Divines speak to him, what’s another friendly voice? That Tharn lad has given us gold here. In the Septim’s time of need he will find new loyalty in wondrous dreams, loyalty that will carry over once he returns to Mundus.”

Vaermina’s brow jolted to join the wrinkles above.

“You speak of others but what are you concocting, Sheogorath?”

You could show this stuff to people and ask them where it’s from. Observe their mind in action as you watch the intangible hand of their mentality flick wildly over a field of fantasy settings and references, diving desperately into whatever thought or memory feels like it would give them an immediate answer because woe upon them, they know no certainty except that saying a word will have them shortly corrected or an opportunity for conjecture gambling and the short endorphin rush a victory from risk will bring is at hand.

So yeah, it’s following a lot of safe paths in terms of art. The artists are great, I just think it relies heavily on resembling MtG a lot. Instead of seeing an Argonian crouching in the shaking spike-sided bushes of Rainchrome Bushes in Black Marsh….he’s just on top of some building somewhere with a rope ready to steal. Okay. Who’s he stealing from? Where is he? And no, writing “Daggerfall Thief” isn’t enough. Show me, through detail, where he is and what he aims to do. We get enough implications of things through lore, show me specifically what this Argonian intends to do. You know, just make it interesting and not just someone drawing the equivalent of a modded Skyrim screenshot that used an animation poser. These cards need to be a lot more than Argonian On Roof. Angry Orc on Battlefield. Battlemage in Cave. Don't let your cards just be fancier versions of Skyrim's loading screen models.

Look at the Dunmer woman in the Race section, and yes, I said Dunmer. I know, mass marketing appeal is necessary so no fancy words (like Dunmer) to scare off Joe Schmoe but mass marketing appeal is what got us a Nord, a white Breton, and Tauriel in every ESO cinematic. Lizards? Gold skinned elves? Olive skinned Imperials? Fuck how Dunmer actually look! This one is animu kawaii!

Don’t get me started on the unappealing, generic fantasy game writing the site has.

“Strength seeks victory through might. You want to attack the enemy head-on, cutting them down before they can use their fancy tricks. Strength actions are ideal for smashing enemies and clearing the way for bruisers.“

I hate stuff like this because it reduces everything to this idiotic simplicity that appeals to no one.

“ -you can always cast a spell, equip a weapon, or conjure an Atronach to even the odds.“

Stuff like this always makes me feel like I’m supposed to be some hungry animal crazed by battle and seeking whatever will bring me closer to the meal I’ve deemed “Victory”. I’m not some gamer bro who needs all the cheevos he can get before I turn around and fuck my girlfriend for the highest score. This stuff can be written with more flavor. Let me try:

“Clearing enemy lines and demanding strategy against its simple but inarguable might, Strength threatens to overwhelm the battlefield and create new necessities for your foes. Throw your fire-knowledge and speak your toxic words, but when a mountain walks hope your intelligence tells you to surrender and your word-craft sculpts an appealing treaty.”

NOW we have some flavor. Gives you a better feel of things huh? Or does smash and bruise really communicate how you want your players to feel? I know they’re trying to explain things as simply as possible but when it doesn’t really cover what your game does and it doesn’t grab anyone’s interest, you’ve already failed.

“The Dark Elf homeland of Morrowind has been invaded many times over the millennia. This history of conflict has transformed the Dunmer into hardened warriors.“

Let’s forget House Hlaalu, the magelords of Telvanni, their necromancy-fueled religion, the rise of the Tribunal, their worship of the Daedra, the insectuous (I really like this word) hive that is Vvardenfell. They’ve been invaded a lot and now they’re used to it! Go ahead and get an Imperial and draw them standing behind “Oblivion Screenshot # 37″, it just doesn’t feel like TES and it makes me worried how insistent Zenimax and Bethesda are with thinning the series out.

Game might be fun though, for a bit. ESO was fun for a bit. I’m still here playing the mainline games though and ESO sits in the dust. I don’t know. Maybe this just isn’t for me though it’s free and I’ll likely try it out. Maybe some of the 4 people reading this will like it. But there’s my two septims about it.