I’m incapable of writing long-form here without eventually faking my personality to seem like a brighter person. The lengthier my post gets, the less it sounds like me.

it feels so automisogynistic to wear makeup again even if it's minimal and "enhances natural beauty," now that i've weaned myself down to the "essentials." anything without a function or purpose feels evil, like i'm betraying myself.

DAVID BRANCACCIO: There's a little sweet moment, I've got to say, in a very intense book-- your latest-- in which you're heading out the door and your wife says what are you doing? I think you say-- I'm getting-- I'm going to buy an envelope. KURT VONNEGUT: Yeah. DAVID BRANCACCIO: What happens then? KURT VONNEGUT: Oh, she says well, you're not a poor man. You know, why don't you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I'm going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And, see some great looking babes. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And, and ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don't know… And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And, what the computer people don't realize, or they don't care, is we're dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. And, we're not supposed to dance at all anymore.

i need to declutter

It's debilitating to the psyche to experience unfairness throughout your whole life. It almost feels like a punishment to exist. There is no such thing as trusting the process, only gritting your teeth and hoping for luck. Yet, you still have hope.