I'd like to thank him for opening it up because I didn't want him to find me more weird by being the one to bring it up 'cause you know, I think he's actually the cooler person between the two of us. He's older, and in that aspect, knows what shit life could throw at you, so he's still got that over me. but I guess I'm just more mature and serious about stuff that actually matter in life so we balance each other out. but yeah, its like, I still have this fear that he'd find me too much to deal with, like 'this kid cant be serious'

plus, he doesn't open up. like its just once in a blue moon that he does, which makes the ride home really something. I dunno. it was a rare moment. 

I dunno. we both feel bad. whatever. not gonna want to make this any bigger. not that this needs to be even anything at all. 

Hopefully whoever you are (you 51 followers you) it wouldnt reach anybody who would try and tell me I'm wrong because I'm just feeling a lot of emotions lately and I don't know who's the right person to share it all to or I don't think I can or want to share my feelings with anyone I know

which is why I'm putting it here

aahhhh just thinking about the many different feelings I have as of this moment just... idk its another feeling to add to the list so

wow. I'm just, first of all, relieved. (Annoyed too, since I keep typing 'relieved' as 'relieaved' like what the fuck) Relieved because finally, the huge part of the work that's put into our thesis is done. The defense, the exhibit... done. All our hardwork paid off and I'm just so glad they did. I'm so proud of everyone in our class for pulling off everything after everything we've been through, like, the hell and lack of work put into it our theses during our first semester since we were all so busy with something else, then the stress and super hard work we had to deal with by catching up with what was supposed to be done the previous semester for thesis plus the second semester work. I'm happy. I am, I'm happy for my friends, because they did such amaaaazzing work, they did great, they really did such a great job and I cannot be any more proud(er?)

As much as I am happy, and am aware of how happy I also must be for myself, since I also worked (almost) as hard as they did, I do have some regrets for not giving it my all, for not being able to pull it the way I really wanted to. For not thinking it all through, for having other things in mind, other people in mind. If someone tells me that everybody has regrets and that I shouldn't let it hinder myself for being proud of myself.... please. It's just not my mindset right now. I will sound a bit plastic once I find a good enough photo of myself and my booth while I give a really sad excuse for a 'grammy-awards-like' speech. I'm just not happy at all with the work I've given, I feel like I could have given something more, I feel like even my parents expected something more. The fact that my grandmother made a face when she saw my booth -- which was directly behind the booth of my friend, who was best in thesis -- just made me want the ground to eat me up. My family told me my booth didn't even look like it was part of the exhibit, so you can tell that it wasn't really nice and I didn't think of presenting it very well. Yeah, at the time I sarcastically said 'wow sorry if this isnt enough for you, man like what'd you really expect of me???' but I actually felt the same thing, because I expected something out myself as well and I guess I just wanted someone to tell me that what I did was fine, and it was enough. Even if it was just for them. 

So we're done with the happy, and the regrets, and now, to why I'm feeling really bummed. Bummed 'cause of the regrets, and bummed 'cause people didn't show up. Yeah let's be really shallow for a moment, since I'm a shallow girl, right? How shallow of me to not be understanding and give every single person out there the benefit of the doubt as to why they didnt come to my exhibit -- but it still bummed me to sit there and watch everybody talk to someone they knew and happily explain what their booth was all about, and to stand at my own booth and watch people pass by since they didn't know me, and it wasn't presented very nice, so it didn't seem like it mattered at all, like it wasn't really eye-catching enough to be worth a read or to look at. 

I never told anyone how silly and stupid I looked just walking around watching people talk and whenever I went back to my booth, whoever was there would look at me and then walk away. I never told anyone how I actually just stood at one point and stared at everyone enjoying the launch, talking to their friends, wishing I had some that talked to me too, and congratulated me on a job well done, and even just pretended to be amazed at how much work and effort I put into it, to just pretend to listen, or just enjoy the company, or just be happy they were there with me, celebrating with me, because it's sad, and it may be untrue, but I felt a bit unimportant and quite silly for even wearing something so damned as a long white dress as if I was celebrating some grand occassion. I told everyone I knew about my exhibit yet nobody really dropped by, I mean, yeah ok some people did, but let's be honest, they weren't the people who stuck around because I was there. People who came because of me eventually left quite fast and had other things to do -- its not that I dont appreciate it, I do-- I just wish people came and stayed, and talked with me. I expected quite a lot of people, quite a lot of my friends, my really close friends to have been there, people I've known for a long time, but none of them came, people who even told me beforehand to invite them because they wanted to go never really went, and even if I told them it was on-going for two days after, they never really went. they never really replied, and what made me sad was they never even wished me luck, or just congraulate me. 

it's sad how for the next two days I sat down watching the exhibit without any visitors while everyone else's friends who didn't come to the opening, went on those two days. Let's say I had a total of 3 visitors during these two days and let's be real: none of them actually stayed and looked at my work and told me how ive done such a great job. no body really stayed for my work. when my friends came, we left to do something else. like i was hoping they'd ask me about it, but they didn't. 

One of them jokingly even told me how my work wasn't really good enough and as much as I was aware that it was a joke, I really felt bad. 

I remember one of my really close friends calling me up, asking me where I was, and when i told her I wasn't home, I was at glorietta, since I had a thesis exhibit, she just told me, 'thats too bad' and hung up and now I realized she only called me up because she needed something from me that was at my house. 

I remember texting people that they could still pass by, but no one really replied. No one even congratulated me even. I mean, the people who I expected to be there wasn't. the people who i expected to be happy for me, i just didn't -- i still dont -- feel like they were, because they never told me, or they never made me feel like they were. no acknowledgement or anything. 

the whole world doesn't revolve around me, yeah, but i guess for once in my life i just thought this would be one of those days where people would think im worth something. i feel like people have been passing me by. 

honestly felt so unimportant, irrelevant to people that it was OKAY to not bother something HUGE just happened with me and people are just like 'meh, ok'

so yep. full on emotions, full on actual tears right now. you guys dont know how i felt like I didn't. really. matter.

I went on a spontaneous and fun roadtrip with my friends yesterday (or the other day) and sure I had loads of fun and I laughed really loud and it was chill (literally) and it was what i expected and how i really wanted to unwind but I still felt a bit off when the one person I fully trust to be there with me when things get low, was what made me quite silent for the rest of the night. 

guess who didn't matter at all for the duration of the trip home? ding ding ding: me. since he says I always contradict whatever he says, my opinion doesn't matter. so my answers don't count. as if the fact that my opinions don't jive with his is intended that way just to spite him. I mean if my opinions were my opinions, why does it matter so much that they contradict? Yes he was trying to prove whatever point he wanted to prove, but the people he was asking weren't answering, and when I was, he just thinks I should keep quiet. that really hurt and it was a bit insulting because as if i didn't matter -- to him? that was really low. I didn't want to argue because i didn't want to get anymore upset because the point of the night out was for me to unwind from all the stress. and an argument with him -- believe me - would be quadruple the stress my whole thesis had given me. its upsetting to think that he was asking everybody's opinions except mine just because we dont agree with each other all the time. its upsetting to have been set aside like that for such a selfish reason. 

to add files u click File > Import > choose your files

the red box should be where your files are

so to start editing, double click on the icon of the file you want to edit

the box in the middle is where your video should be, click the play button to watch the clip. If you want to add that whole clip onto the timeline, drag the icon onto the timeline. :)

if you want only a part of the clip, click on the open bracket to wherever you want your clip to start then the close bracket to end it. It highlights whatever part of the clip u only want. When you're okay with it, drag the icon onto the timeline

One of the things i like about premiere is how you can add only the audio or video of a clip. You see the film strip / audio icon beside the "Fit"? if you only want the Video of the clip, drag the film strip to the timeline. For audio, drag the audio icon to the timeline. 

and the screen on the right most is where you can preview whatever is on the timeline so far :)

honestly this is all basic and its all i know =)) 

to save it, File > Export Media 

its critical to know what kind of format you want your video to be so u should read up on that i guess. :) 

This still makes me sad because it makes me think like I'M the problem here. That people just give up on me because they get sick of me. I've always wondered if people get tired when I talk, and that's why I get completely ignored or interrupted when I talk -- as if whatever I was saying or was about to say is of no importance at all. I'd rather you say it straight to my face and not just leave me to assume the worst about myself.

I hate getting so attached since this happens all the time. This is probably another first in this particular situation wherein he actually WANTED me to get all attached and clingy. he WISHED I was attached. he WANTED ME TO BE ATTACHED TO HIM SO BADLY.

and when I was. he somehow blew it by not acknowledging ANY of what I was TRYING to do. I mean, I don't like like the guy. He's great, but I just wanna get to know him some more, I guess. But he's all like, 'I like you and I want you to get attached and clingy' 

but like what the hell is that all about? right when I'm getting there, that's when he doesn't speak to me for days? 

Where's the consistency?

I'm really tired. I'm pretty sure I should be telling him to just forget it. Like, guys shouldn't be telling girls one thing, and then show them another. Practice what you preach, please. PLEASE.

It's just, I haven't grasped if he's the type of guy who's just really unlucky that he fucks his chances up, or he's the kind of guy that fucks up his chances on purpose, lies about his feelings, leads the girl on and never delivers on his promises. It's been done over and over again and I just fall for every word he said. It's sad. It's frustrating. and I still couldn't accept it.

I'll be honest that I'm still holding on to a tiny shred of hope that he'd surprise me and prove me wrong - just like he said he would - by finally getting off his ass and actually try to work on winning me back, but so far, after calling it off, it annoys me and disappoints me as to how he hasn't said a single word to me, not even to apologize for standing me up in the mall. I called him around 40 times the next day without him answering and I guess that's just it, he doesn't have any plans of trying to fix what he wanted to fix in the first place. It's just been getting worse and worse and I'm just sad he wasn't the guy he said he was. I want to tell him that, but talking to him might still make him think that I still want him - I do - but I don't want him thinking he can take me back so easily. I'm tired. Fed up. I'm tired of waiting. of hoping he'd prove to me what he said he would. That he's different from all the other guys. That I'm not just some booty call he had.

But he didn't. He never tried to win me back. It was all words. Empty words. as if everything I felt, all the pain I'm feeling now has no meaning to him. It hurts how he could just seem to forget and not care and not mind at all that he's fucked up again and I'm let down again. 

Wow I never expected a reply. and the reply I got was just one blow after another. 

I told him

"Wanna hang out tomorrow?"

he replied "May shoot ako e"

oh so this means you're going to be busy again. this probably means another month of not talking. another long wait. 

another month of receiving 'i'm busy' as an excuse for not seeing each other. 

I don't get it, you had no job for the past week, why didnt you at least try?

I said I didn't want to give up and that I wouldn't as long as he didn't. But it seems like none of us is giving up alright, but he isn't trying either. 

Isn't it funny? and sad at the same time that there's this guy who'd do everything I could ever want from a guy and yet I'm still apparently head over heels trying to get this other guy's attention. Clearly he doesn't deserve mine.

and I don't deserve this other guy's attention either. But he's still there. and he knows I'm head over heels with the jackass. He knows I'm kind of unavailable. he understands. Sex talk - even if I said is fine as long as we're on a civil level - is STILL awkward for him. This is a guy, and sex talk is awkward? He learned his boundaries too when he teased me about loving him instead of the jackass, and then stating that if he 'ambush kissed' me, he'd be dead. 

but damn it, I dreamt of him last night and up to this hour I still remember the most important details of my dream. like, I guess it's why it's called a 'dream' because my head makes up most of them but wow  wow wow it seemed like a drama/telenovela/love story kind of scene where he picked me up because we were going somewhere - to a party - where we didn't know HOW to get to, and if I remember correctly, it was in the middle of no where, and he jokes around again about something I must have told him I don't like, I just immediately go

"itigil mo ang kotse" 

WHICH HE DID. THAT MOTHERFUCKER ACTUALLY SLOWED DOWN AND WOW THAT DID IT because i wanted to go down, and it was raining so i found an umbrella on my seat and was about to open it and go out when he ACTUALLY stopped me WOW WOW WOW as in he grabbed my arm all of a sudden because i think he suddenly thought 'oh shit she's serious' and grabbed me quickly and i think he said something along the lines of 'joke lang! sorry'

and so i didnt go out and he continued to drive and I slept (i slept in my dream - go figure) on his shoulder or whatever but i sunk down because im the type of person who wants to just curl in a ball when i sleep (especially if im beside someone because it makes me feel secure idk) and when i woke up we were there at the place and before going down he said something and he kissed me on the lips like i held back (woo pakipot) but then i gave in anyway

so moral of the story is

this was all just a dream.

i mean, in the first place, he doesnt have a damn car so...