Tears Of a Clown

I remember meeting you a little later then 1. Your grandma, aunt, mother, everyone except your dad. 

You were the most precious thing ever. You had your dad's eyes & looked me dead in the eye like I owed you money. I fell in love at that moment.

Meeting up with Diane was a strange endeavor. Don't really remember how it happened but somehow we decided to go on a date.

Diane is not my type of girl I would usually go for. Yeah I'm Hispanic, but never go for spanish girls. Diane is puerto rican, a little bit of atitude & sass. We decide to go see a movie & have some dinner.

I'm driving up to Holyoke, I never go to Holyoke, I hate Holyoke. I remember every detail. I was smoking a joint, listening to the latest Soulfly album & trying to convince myself it's not gonna completely suck.

I pull up she gets in. I've seen her a ton of times but today she looked amazing.

"wow you look great" I said

"Shut up" she responds & laughs then says so do you.

We had a long talk as we drive to the movie theater. A really good talk, like the kind where you both are not stopping & letting everything just flow. perfect really.

We go to a really expensive but shitty Chinese place (I was trying to show off) Again during dinner it was like we just couldn't stop talking. Not gonna lie it was special. Really special. We go & watch The Exorcist. They rereleased it in theaters & I love that movie so I was happy. She doesn't watch horror movies & this one scared her, had her in my arms for most of the night.

Towards the end of the movie, I finally made a move & kissed her she kissed me back & I can tell you right now. That was the best most amazing kiss I've ever had I just felt sparks.

It's 2010 I think. Maybe 2011.

Things are okay, I'm in a good place in my life, engaged, my career is starting to take form & I'm making good money. Well I then find this new form of social networking called twitter it's cool it's like you can text people & not have to give them your number.

My original twitter experience is really really good. I connected with many many juggalos from all over the globe, for example my good friend Kate she's Austrian. Who knew there was juggalos in Austria? Or my boy Miguel from the UK. My homie Sam from Mexico & on & on & on.

Plus I also connected with a lot of bands I love like Terror, Sutter Kain, Brotha Lynch Hung, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Sleeping With Sirens, King Gordy & more have taken the time to tweet me & that really made me feel special ya know? These are my heroes, & here they are chatting it up with me. I ate it up lol.

Not an unusual thing but Gabriela started following me, a friend of a friend. Never thought much of it, tweeted her a few times. We had a ton of similar interests & I would retweet the hell out of her lol we actually called ourselves the RT kings bc we would do it so much. Basically this was just a simple platonic friendship, She was is a pretty girl but I was engaged & had no desire to pursue others.

Months go by & one day I notice her in a very bad mood, so I ask her whats wrong, she asks me to call her to talk it out one on one. Sure I say & I give her a call, in my mind I thought would take 15, 20 min tops turns into a 3 hour phone call & it only stops bc I have to pick up my fiance.

It was the 6th grade, I was 10. Had a ton of friends all came with me from the 5th grade at Stefanik to Selser which had 5-6. Didn’t know much about myself. I just know I grew up in the projects so I had this tough guy mentality like no one can touch me & up until then I only went to school with kids from my neighborhood so we all had each others backs.

Honestly didn’t even know any other projects existed or there were other crews out there. That year we met kids from the other side of the city. We were the Senical Project kids (honestly idk where the name Senical came from) & the other projects in the city were the Stonina Drive projects. That year I truly learned that I could fight if had to but necessarily didn’t want to. But I did anytime for fear of what would happen if someone said they didn’t see me helping.

I’ll never forget what Marie first said to me

“You’re from Elmer Dr.? I heard it’s crazy there”

Personally to me it wasn’t that bad sure lots of drugs were sold & a lot of fights but it wasn’t something that scared me. Anyway, the way she said that made me think of Compton or Brooklyn or some other place rappers boasted about.

“It’s not that bad, where you from?” I replied kind of offended & at the same time shocked some blonde white girl was talking to me.

“Aldenville by the bank” she said with a huge smile on her face then interrupted by her friend Delilah

“Who’s your cute friend?” Says Delilah with an even bigger smile

“This is Luis, he lives on Elmer Dr.” Says Marie not letting me speak

“Ohh are you a gangster Louie?” Says Delilah almost immediately she can smell I’m intimidated.

“Naw I’m a lover not a fighter” I reply with a smirk & an almost flirty attitude if I knew what flirting was back then that was it.

“Wow that’s sexy Louie.” Delilah says with a different tone

“Super sexy” adds Marie

“From now on you’re our boyfriend Louie, think you can handle 2 hot blondes haha” giggles Delilah.

“Hey there’s plenty of me to go around” I say with a funny tone like I’m Ice T or something.

Honestly at 10 years old you don’t or at least I didn’t mean anything perverted by it I was just happy girls were talking to me but from that day we were inseparable. Never anything romantic with either one but we were best of friends. Even to this day I still talk to Marie I just visited her yesterday. I’d still be best friends with Delilah but she’s no longer with us.

It was a long long day of work I was so exhausted, I get back to my hotel & decide that maybe a couple beers might lighten my mood. This could quite possibly be the worst month of my life, I lost the love of my life, I have no place to live & no friends close to comfort me. I arrive at the hotel.

"Hi Mr. Ponce, How was your day" greets me the young hotel clerk who has gotten to know me because I have been here for 3 weeks since my girlfriend kicked me out

"I'm Good Kim how are you?" I reply as if I had no worries in the world  & continue my way to the elevator. I get in my room put some music on & shower up. After I shower I think about my ex girlfriend, decide to change the music put on some heavy metal something I can't even recall.

Sitting on the table I pick up the paper head straight to the sports section, & realize that Duke is playing UNC for the ACC conference title tonight then realize this shitty hotel doesn't have ESPN 2. Ugh I come to the realization that I'm just gonna drink some beers & fall asleep listening to Nancy Grace bitch & moan about some asshole serial killer like I have the past 2 weeks. I have no idea why but I decide to call the restaurant bar down stairs & ask if they would put on my game for me if I had dinner & drinks down there. The bartender says

"Sure Bro this place is dead & I wanna see that game too"

"Awesome! See you soon" I reply with a cool tone I don't want him to think he just made my night

So I get dressed & at first I was gonna wear a nice button up & try to look decent but I felt defeated so I decide to wear my old faded stretched out ICP shirt the one with the wraith Shangri La on the front. I figured it was dead down there any way.

I get down there & sit at the bar, order a 12oz steak dinner with roasted mashed potatoes & Broccoli on the side, it also came with a salad. Then I order a Harpoon IPA & he puts the game on we exchange pleasantries & his name is Marcus, blah blah blah we talk about the tournaments, college ball Little to Marcus' knowledge this is the most I've talked to anyone in 3 weeks. I'm having a blast & at the same time fearing the inevitable,

"So? You a single man Lou?" he asks me without a clue in the world that my life is turned upside down at the moment, then as I begin to talk in walks in a party of 6 then a party of 4 then 4 more people sit at the bar almost like giving me a way out of small talk. I sit there sipping my beer relieved & watch my game...

About 4 min left UNC has a sizeable advantage I have a nice buzz Marcus & I are having fun high fiving like we've been bro's for years.

I did notice 2 very pretty girls at the bar but hadn't even made eye contact or looked their way for more then a second. Because for 1 they were there with 2 guys & 2 I just had no confidence, but I did notice they were not having fun & getting annoyed. Then out of nowhere I hear

"FUCK YOU" hollers one of the girls a brunette with purple streaks & a low fitting tank top

"Just get the fuck out of here" Yells the other a really pretty blonde wearing a Devildriver hoodie, I knew that hoodie because I had seen Devildriver live a few weeks before with Dimmu Borgir

Pretending like I didn't see anything I look away not wanting to be seen then the brunette screams at the top of her lungs

"WHOOP WHOOP!"

Immediately I knew she was talking to me as whoop whoop is a popular call for juggalos which I am, So I smile their way & say

"Whoop whoop what up fam?" Just trying not to seem corny, Like I haven't been thru hell all month like I haven't even talked to another girl in that time. The brunette b lines it my way & introduces herself

Born from darkness into an air of positivity or so was the plan. You are an angel, Honestly for a brief moment in time you have restored my faith in the future of man kind. Honestly my future still seems bright as I make moves & your future will be fine, I still believe you are destined for greatness & have the utmost faith you will achieve that greatness.