jus me n my thots

i think the reason my insecurities bother me so much is that every day is like a guessing game. i know what triggers me but i can’t avoid it and i feel so unprepared for it every time :/ i don’t have a deep sense of confidence, instead it’s on a case by case basis (which is never stable). for example a good picture of me will give me confidence for 0.2 seconds and then i’ll make up excuses for why it’s good instead of just accepting it, but a bad picture of me will fuck me up for whole days at least. i can never count on myself to like myself in a way that is constant

i wish people remembered that i am an option :/

feels like my insecurities are inescapable and i’m tired of it :/ i know it’s my fault which makes it worse

am i Too Depressed to enjoy literally anything? an ongoing saga

just remembered my gender is something i have to justify to literally..... no one! no one!

just filled out my pronouns as “she/they” in a google form.....there’s no going back now lmao. actually there is going back because i’m allowed. i’m going to try those pronouns out in zoom meetings and see what happens and how it feels :)

sometimes i really wonder what i did to deserve this. like i just try to be a good person and be kind to everyone-- does that warrant me being taken advantage of? or forgotten? is that my objective, then, to be less kind? no, that sounds wrong. i just dont understand what i do so wrong that everyone else gets treated differently than i do, with more respect. i am trying so hard to love and respect myself, but i can only take so much, only so many reminders from the world, at a time. i just want to sleep through the year and wake up when it’s better. when something has finally changed

it’s amazing finding out that your insecurities r actually valid😍 but this being said, i will not let a literal white boy dictate the years of self esteem work i’ve done for myself <3 i’m worth more than that

haha i have been thinking about my gender ALL day this is definitely not cis behavior

i think it says a lot about me that i don’t give a shit about the brand of a car but all i see is the little face it makes with its headlights and front bumper thingy

it turns out that sleeping is not a valid hobby i’m just depressed

what (white) people don’t understand is that dating is a very different experience for me as a brown woman in america. like i have to consider so many things that most people don’t. for example when i have a crush on someone i have to wonder, do they even like nonwhite people? then in the chance event that they like brown people, and in the even rarer event that they like me, i have to consider, will they understand my family or will my parents freak them out? and what if i can’t tell my parents for a while, a long while—will they be ok with that? will they be okay with the rules i have to follow and the things i can’t lie about? will they let me play my brown music out loud? and then i have to also wonder if they like me because they actually do, or if i’m being fetishized. this is why i am no longer taking dating advice from white people. yes, a lot of the advice i get seems like it could be generalized to anyone, but most people forget to consider that the world i live in, and the things i have to think about, are much different from the world they’re so used to

every day i think, haruki murakami wouldn’t judge me for this

there was a time in my life when my current circumstance is all i ever wanted, so why am i still unsatisfied?? why do i always want more? and when i get the next thing, will i keep searching for the next thing after that? aklsfdj i just feel like i can’t get out of this loop

the Only thing i will miss about this house: evie🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺