⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ 🤰🏽 ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

i tried 2 prolong the goodbye as long as i could. i stayed past when i knew it was time to leave.

so i will just sit here. and just be. not the way i wanted. but the way it's happening. and it is what it is.

i dont want to go on not one step further.

i dont want 2 be alive right now.

I've never been hugged by a person who actually truly loves me. i know there are more important things unseen untouched, than a physical whatever from a physical whoever. it's just so strange to be here, amongst all these people, who i am nothing and no one to. and to see them be the ways they are with one another. and to have the expectations placed upon me alongside interacting....it gets so confusing. it's probably for the best. i would have no interest in anything else, than that embrace, upon actually experiencing it. i would have no will or motivation or reason to do absolutely anything else. besides just exist within that hug. so i guess for the time being while im still here and theres still stuff i have to do. its for the best. to be alone. in the ways i am. to be without, what i am without. i guess.

the only way to please people here is to lie. and I'm so tired of having to lie. maybe if i jump. hand in hand with truth. i will wake up from this nightmare. just like in the nightmares. there is no welcome place for truth in this world. and truth is my friend. so if truth has been kicked out then. what am i still doing here.

living is too hard for me, with all of this adversity

something blocking me from moving forward even 2 more steps.

another way i must believe against what i know, for goodness sake? confusion confusion confusion

plus the more compassion i have for myself, the more upset i get about all the ways that things happening slight me and hurt me. like it's easier to believe i don't deserve good treatment whilst continuously being treated in painful hurtful ways. easier to bear it in a humble way.

i know why i do so i should have more compassion towards myself but i perpetually fail to

i feel really lonely and i hate that i do

im just as traumatized by being alive as i always was since i was little. it is just. scary here.

I've never lived somewhere where i was truly welcome by those there. every millisecond i spend in this life and existence feels weirdly wrong. like i am somewhere i don't belong.