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becoming, beginning, beckoning. bubbling up like boiling oil so hot your flesh is gone before you feel the pain. and she won’t find it. because to find something that’s invisible…you need to have invisible eyes
while i’m thinking about it, let me say that after luca dies and ruth’s fractured psyche is mended?? she is one of the most powerful psychic forces on earth.
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Anya is LIVE right now
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they speak an unspoken language , the two of them. quiet understanding ; a shared introspection , punctuated with light. WE , THE STRANGE ONES ; two planets caught in orbit around each other , winding ever closer to the eventuality of collision. braced for the chill of an early spring night with coffee warmed bellies. stumbling haphazardly from the diner door front ( “ IT’S PAST CLOSING … & HOW’D YOU TWO EVEN GET IN ? ” ) this is THE UNEXPECTED ; a thought so foreign to ruth she’s almost forgotten it’s still possible. it’s a crisp night - the air is still , all she can hear beyond the scuffing of their shoes against the pavement is the distant rumbling of street - sweepers.
“ I THINK EXCUSE ME YOU’RE MEANT TO FINISH WALKING ME HOME BEFORE WE START TALKING ABOUT GOODNIGHT KISSES. ” careful , measured. her hold tightens on his arm , drawing herself closer with a silent prayer he can’t see the flush of her cheeks - perhaps that he’ll think it’s only a trick of the streetlights above. “ a regular kiss though - that we can manage. goodnight means it’s over. ”
SHE IS SEVEN & SHE BELIEVES IT. a story of grief , of loss , of anger & hatred ; she eats up every word the way only a child raised on loathing can. BORN WRONG , a blade to sever , to slice their family to pieces & no one is brave enough to say so but luca luca the brave , blessed with divine purpose , a dark cloud looming closer & closer , threatening thunder & lighting. ( she’s never known anger like it before - cold & razor sharp - recoils from his mind with a snap & presses her face closer to the warm embrace of their mother. ) she wonders for years how it is momma looks past the monster luca sees in her.
it doesn’t occur to her that hatred of a thing doesn’t make that thing a monster. doesn’t occur to her that a monster is that which seeks to make others afraid.
“ AW , LOOK RUTH. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO. ”
she doesn’t hate him. still doesn’t hate him ; on her knees hands on her mother’s shoulder ( “ it’s okay , momma , he’s gone , you can get up now. ” ) get up now. GET UP , HE’S GONE. luca’s gone & it’s all okay. IT ISN’T OKAY. the dark cloud has lifted , but there’s nothing else for her to cling to , the room is silent but for her own voice & shaking breath , sirens wailing in the distance.
they ask her later , what she remembers , & she tells them a story about thunderclouds & momma shouting , how still & quiet the world became. it isn’t the first time she’s sat here , listening to the shuffling of papers & the distant clicking of the ancient overhead fan in the offices beyond this room. the carpet feels rough against her toes . the sweatshirt they’ve found her in lost property is so large the sleeves have been rolled well past halfway up & she still needs to push them up past her wrists.
SHE BELIEVES IT. her aunt cries quietly , a shoulder shaking sob that only increases when ruth presses a tiny palm to her cheek to wipe away tears. ( “ no , NO , sweet girl , you’ve done nothing wrong. you never did anything wrong. ” ) it hadn’t occurred to her that this sorrow is for her , not because of her.
“ OH. ”
she’s seven & it isn’t her fault. she’s ten & it isn’t fair. she’s thirteen & the lightning bolt of shame in her mind still croons in his voice. but he can’t hurt her now. any hatred she feels ( & recoils from , all sharp edges & entirely too familiar ) she can only grapple with alone.
HE CANNOT HURT HER , UNTIL HE DOES, & THE WORLD SPLINTERS.
she is thirteen , & her aunt tells her luca can never hurt her again. can never hurt ANYONE ever again. she nods , sliding a single puzzle piece across the table , wishing she could sort so easily through the fragments left behind in her mind. it is a thursday. her aunt is on the phone with an angel who says that he can find her help. she sees him in her mind’s eye AFLAME a king fallen at his feet.
HE PROMISES FAR MORE THAN HER AUNT COULD EVER DARE ; luca can’t hurt her , & neither will anyone else. THIS IS A SAFE PLACE. ( his mind says otherwise. says others will try. & they do , over & over again. she no longer believes them when they say that it’s her fault. that it’s their fault. )
she doesn’t wear hatred well. an acrid smoke that burns her lungs , burns her mind. SHE TRIES IT, remembers the inside of his mind , tells herself that what she feels must be the same as his hatred. ( “ hate him , HATE HIM “ for momma , for poor aunt lucy with her cheeks like a riverbed , with the silent sobs she’s sure her niece must not hear. she tries it , but most days she can barely remember him past the memories of days yet to come , left only with an ache of loss she can only sometimes recall the cause of ) that much hurt , that much pain , she must be left with something , some anger to mould into knives , to take what’s left of luca & his storm - cloud fury & cast it away.
THEY HAVE PROMISED HER NO MORE , & HE CAN NEVER HURT YOU AGAIN , BUT HE LINGERS. SOME DAYS SHE CAN FORGET HIM , CAUGHT IN THE MEMORIES OF DAYS YET TO PASS , & DAYS THAT CAME & WENT LONG BEFORE SHE LET OUT HER FIRST STRANGLED CRIES.
they have promised her never , but there are things they can’t see ( & who is more blind , the girl born without eyes , or the people with eyes who refuse to use them ) and she is frightened. she see’s him now ; past this artifice , past another victim NEVER HURT YOU AGAIN THEY SAID. NEVER. another scapegoat. another reason , another excuse ( & isn’t it so sad , that poor boy driven to the edge , abandoned & replaced , so damn - ) PATHETIC.
SHE IS NINETEEN , THE WORLD IS CHURNING BENEATH HER FEET , & LUCA IS HORRIFYING. luca is horrifying , yes , but equally pitiful. broken. ( he deserves that , she thinks , deserves to be what he made of me. )
she is nineteen , & terrified. nineteen & FURIOUS who is he to dare , to make more suffering as easily as she can breathe ? to assume she is still so naive as to believe his circle of blame ? ( to be right , in that regard , she hates him even more for that - that she still can’t erase that mark across her psyche , that he be right about her in any regard. )
SHE IS NINETEEN , & LUCA DOESN’T GET TO HURT ANYONE ELSE. NOT HERE. NOT THESE PEOPLE. NOT THESE PEOPLE SHE LOVES.
NOT ANYONE.
SHE IS NINETEEN & ANGRY. SHE IS NINETEEN. HE WILL NEVER HURT ANYONE AGAIN.
it’s becoming, beginning, beckoning. bubbling up like boiling oil so hot your flesh is gone before you feel the pain. and she won’t find it. because to find something that’s invisible… you need to have invisible eyes.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Anya is LIVE right now
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before the Big Lunch Crowd comes in i wanna say a lil thing: timelines blending together in her head means ruth has definitely a. replied to something someone won’t say for a good couple of weeks, b. tried to dodge someone or something that isn’t there yet/almost fallen while trying to dodge said person or object, c. gotten annoyed with someone for an argument that has definitely not started yet
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