†

Alright, alright. I won’t burst that little bubble of yours just yet. Thanks, Sunshine. Well, for now there is one thing I really, really need and that’s your company tomorrow night. Please say you you’re free to stay over by me.

Much better. I think I can make that work, yes. I'd really like to. Tomorrow night, it's a date.

You can’t even be a badass but I’m guessing a stern talking to from you would put me in back in place. You guys are all I have and I wouldn’t gamble that away, no matter what’s going on in this head of mine. I’ll work on that. I promise you that I will. Talks like these go a long way in helping me. I hope you realize that and know just how grateful I am.

Shush, let me have my fun. Your word on it is more than enough for me, sweetie. I'll be here the whole time, that's not going to change. I do, I really do. Whatever you need, I'm always going to be by your side. Just say the word.

You have a point there, yeah. It’s hard to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel when everything feels this overwhelming and tough. I hope you’re right. I bet you are but within this moment, I can’t get overly optimistic about it. I work better under pressure so applying enough of it will motivate me to get back on track. I won’t overwork myself, I promise. That was very sweet. I do feel happy with you, safe even. I feel content with you and my family but outside of that, when it comes to functioning on a daily basis on my own, that’s where my issues are. Okay, I believe you.

I know I am, just give it time. You'll see what I mean before you know it. You better not, mister. If you do, I'll know and I'll have to...I don't know, kindly harass you until you calm down. I always want you to feel secure here, with me and your parents. Just concentrate on that for now. The present, not the future. Things will piece themselves together if you give them a chance. Good.

I worry about things that haven’t happened, I can’t help it. I get overly anxious and I work myself up all the time. I’m glad you all have been patient and supportive but at times it does make me feel guilty. You’re right, I know you are. But all the same, I want to be able to wake up in the mornings like everyone else, curious about the day but not dreading it. I want to be able to go for a walk outside and not fear everything around me. Basic things are harder for me than they should be. I have a deadline, Becks. If I don’t meet it, I’ll have to wait even longer before I can return and I don’t want that. It’s where I belong and I know it’s difficult for you to accept. Okay, I just had to remind you again. I know perfectly, trust me. But on the flip side, I know just how taxing this can be on another person. I really care about you. I wouldn’t ever want you to be at risk because of me.

If the tables were turned and one of us was in your shoes, you would give all of your patience and understanding to them, right? It's just the same. They won't always be that way. Therapy is a process. Within the coming months, I think that dread will start lifting and some sort of optimism for your life will replace it. You can't just rush it all along to get back out there. Not only is it counter-intuitive, but I'd imagine it would do more harm than good when it comes down to it. You belong here, with me. Just...you might be a soldier first, but you also mean a lot to me now. I want you to feel worthwhile here as well as there. I'm not at risk, you don't have to worry about that. Completely safe and sound, honest.

I wouldn’t blame you all if you did. It can’t be easy to being around me. I know I can be difficult at times, especially when I first got back. I can’t afford to lose any of you so I’m doing all that I can. I’m not moving fast enough and that’s troubling to me. I want to get cleared so I can head back out and return to what makes sense to me. I’m not sure I’m cut out for civilian life anymore, at least not at this stage. It shouldn’t be this hard to become integrated again and yet it feels like I’m still stumbling along every now and then. I’m not upset with you. I’m just seeing the full scope of this and how much it’s affecting you. I know how much our friendship means to you but I’ll remind you again, if this ever becomes too much, I’d understand if you needed a break. I feel awful for dragging you along for this but on the same hand, you’re vital to me. Don’t apologize, please. You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s me. Of course it’s me.

But that isn't the case, not even a little. It's perfectly understandable. Anyone in your shoes would have been feeling the same upon returning, and even now, it's all okay. No, this isn't a race to recovery. You really can't view it as something to speed through. Slow and steady is how you need to approach it. Your recovery will be far more effective if you're patient with yourself. N-no, I don't want you to do that. I know I'm sounding selfish at the moment but you need to slow down. For yourself and for all of us-- if you don't care to do yourself a favor. We all want to see you thrive and work through your problems with the attention they deserve. I don't want you to go, I really don't. I'm not taking a break, stop it. I like being around you. You know how I feel about you. That's going to be the case through thick and thin, good and bad.

I just want this to be over. I can only imagine what I must look like in everyone else’s eyes. Normally I couldn’t care less but if it’s such a concern to you, my parents, and friends, it just leaves me wondering. That’s far easier said than done. I can never go back to my old life and to be frank, it wasn’t too grand either. I just— I don’t know. I’m not in a good place right now, I’m sorry.

Eli, no one is looking down on you or anything of the sort. We're all here for you and we worry because we care. Because you're so important to all of us. You don't have to go back to your old life. You can make your new one all the better and more emotionally sound. No, I'm sorry. I opened my big mouth and I shouldn't have. This isn't even my place to make commentary. I'm still mostly new to your life and we're not- it's just not my place. I'll leave you alone, I'm sorry again.

Then it’s clear I still have a long way to go in getting myself together, huh? All things considered, I’m lucky this is the worst of it for me. I’ve heard countless stories from others in my rank and elsewhere. Maybe it doesn’t undo my personal struggle but playing the comparison game comes by on its own accord. It’s pure hell to have certain thoughts running through my mind, to jump at the most trivial sounds. I know that I’m not okay but this is one thing that makes me feel stable and it’s ironic, I know. I don’t think I’ll ever be one hundred percent again. Too much has happened and I’ve lost so much over the years. I’m a different person now and I’m learning to accept that. Maybe this is as good as it’ll ever get.

It's not a bad thing that you have some road left to travel. You really can't downgrade your personal trials by comparing them to anyone else's. It's apples to oranges. Okay, maybe not one hundred percent, but I know this is something you can conquer. I know it for a fact, and I wouldn't just say that. Eli, please don't give up on yourself.

I can be but with good reason. I don’t like thinking about where I’d be right now if we hadn’t met. I’m sure I wouldn’t have made nearly as much progress. Becky, this is a moot point. I appreciate your concern, I really do, but nothing you can say is going to sway me on this. There are worse things I could be dependent on, you realize that, right? I could drink my troubles away or be like other people in my case and end it all together but I’m still getting through my days. Some are harder than others but having that sense of relief in knowing I have my pack with me helps. It’s a harmless bag and it might not make sense to anyone else why I can’t let go of it but I don’t need to explain. It’s not hurting me, I swear. I bring it with me everywhere which is a surefire way of instilling some peace of mind. I’m finally able to have clearer thoughts. My nightmares are at a minimum, surprisingly enough. Can’t it just be enough that I’ve come so far in other areas?

No, it's not. You're just stuck in your own mindset, far too much to fully acknowledge what I'm saying. Of course there are worse things, but that doesn't erase the fact that this is not healthy for you. It isn't somehow negated by comparison. It's your crutch. I swear, it isn't good for you, whether you realize it or not. I'm so proud of all the progress you've been making. That isn't changed or lessened at all by this. I can't even begin to say how much strength I know you have just by seeing you tackle these issues. But you're never going to have full peace of mind or as close to it as possible if you keep carrying around your pack everywhere.

Then your eyes must be bad. That’s the only way to explain your inability to see the obvious. Perhaps I am but you’re deserving of each and every one of them; you’re welcome. I see myself plenty enough. I don’t think I’ll ever agree with you but it’s kind of you to say. I’m not horrendous so I can be grateful for that much. I can’t believe I’ve come to mean this much to you. It’s mind-blowing. My therapist says the same thing all the time but you guys just don’t understand. It’s not hurting me emotionally. How could it? It’s the only thing that keeps me together. I know that everything is going to be alright when it’s on me. I’m prepared and ready to tackle whatever the day might bring me. I’ve been improving and keeping my pack all the while. It’s staying.

Hmph. Sometimes you're so ridiculous, Goldy. Sometimes I can't wrap my head around it either, but there's nothing I'm more grateful for as of late. But it is. You feel as though you need it for your well-being, to be prepared for any situation. You're constantly on guard, which is PTSD of course. But it's manifesting itself in the dependency you have on that pack. You just said it yourself -- your emotional state is influenced directly by whether or not you have it on you. Eli, you can't stop bad things from happening by carrying it around. I know that's your sense of safety, and I understand why, but it's hurting you. Not helping you.

Have you gone your entire life without seeing your reflection? Are you somehow blind to your own appearance? It may be late but that in no way tampers with how I, or anyone else, perceives you. My head is just fine, thanks for your concern. I’m alright. You’ve got lots more going for you than I do, that goes without saying. You must not hang around a lot of guys then but I’ll gladly accept that title from you. Have at it if it makes you feel better. It takes me a lot longer to find the positives. You’re just innately kind so it comes naturally for you. Meeting you was life changing. You don’t have to be concerned. Honestly? Yes, I’m still dependent on it. I can’t bring myself to leave it behind and I’d rather not try. I don’t mind carrying it around. It’s not harming anyone so it shouldn’t be an issue.

Nope! I see it at least once every day, but I still don't agree with you. You're just too kind with the compliments, that's what I think. But thank you all the same, since I know you mean it. Pish posh, that's not true. Now you're the one who needs to take a good long look in the mirror, not me. I hang around enough guys to know when I've met the best of them all. It was life changing for me too, in more ways than I could ever rattle off to you. Eli...I know it's not harming anyone else, especially not considering your safety is inside of it essentially but it's hurting you. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. You have to know that your reliance on it can't be aiding in your recovery.

Thank you. Yes, extremely. It’s a new look on you but it’s a good one. I hope that it’ll finally sink in just how attractive you are, downright enticing even. I speak nothing but the truth, Baker. I’m seeing the error of my ways. I’m still banking on the fact that your sweeter side will come back to the surface quickly. It’s a win/win as far as I’m concerned. You need to learn how to embrace the blush, not resent it. That does make sense. It’s just amazing how keen you are in finding the good inside me. I have been feeling better these days, though that’s due largely in part to you. I still have issues I need to sort through. I’m not sure when they’ll get settled but now each day actually feels bearable. It wasn’t like that until you came into my life so thank you.

I think you're just spouting off nonsense, the hour must be getting the best of you. Enticing is such a stretch. Have you hit your head recently? I think you should get it checked out if you truly think that, just in case. But you're enticing yourself, though that goes without saying. I mean, look at you. You're literally the most attractive guy I've ever met in my life. Mhmm, we'll see about that. I will resent it all I want, thank you very much. It's not as though I have to search very hard or anything to find the good in you. It's apparent to me, clear as day. You're more than welcome, Eli. I really like being that in your life. But um, there's just one thing I wanted to ask, if you don't mind? When we went out for dessert, I couldn't help noticing that you had your pack. Are you feeling reliant on it still? Or it is waning with each session? I don't mean to put a damper on the conversation, I'm just concerned.

Please send her my regards and tell her that I miss her. The rebellion does look good on you. It’s actually kind of hot, if I may say. I’ve taught you a little too well. You’re giving me a run for my money here. I need to hedge my bets. I can’t have you running rampant with all these schemes. I’m a glutton for your time and attention so that is true. You make for such great company, I can’t keep away. I’ve been told that once or twice. You know I adore that blush of yours. It just embellishes your features all the more. We’ve been through this, Becks. I’m not, nowhere near it actually, but thank you.

She'll receive the message, you have my word. H-hot? Are you joking? I know you're all too gracious at humoring me but goodness, I'm nowhere near that, you don't need to lie. It's too late though, I'm already turning into a terror. You should have seen this coming. I'm sure you have. That it might, but your motives in bringing it about probably have more to do with satisfaction than anything. I can see through your ruse, even if I do appreciate the flattery. I'm well aware that you've been up against more than most, trust me. But I think the issues you're dealing with have only made you stronger, does that make sense? You're learning about yourself and that takes bravery. Not to mention you were already brave to begin with. I really admire you.

Hopefully the damage is reversible. I like the sweet Becky that doesn’t wreak havoc alongside my parents. You never fail to put a colorful spin on your words but it amounts to the same. You didn’t have any hesitations in jumping ship. I’m glad you held off on it. I need to get my hands on those pictures and ensure that copies aren’t made in the future. We have two very different takes on what constitutes as funny. My visits to your place would be kept to a minimum or nonexistent if that were the case. It’s stating a fact and besides, you’re always modest. You’ve more than earned the right to acknowledge something like that. You’re perfect, there’s no denying it.

Don't you worry, your sweet Becky is hidden just under the thin layer of borrowed Goldsworthy rebellion. I'm becoming crafty, I think I'm actually picking that up from you. Ultimately, this isn't my fault. Tsk tsk, taking away my chance for fun before I can even attempt it. Hush, you'd still come over just as often, even if it came with a hefty dose of humiliation. You're terrible, you know that? I think every time you compliment me, the blush that follows only gets worse. I think you're really perfect too, mister.

I expected it from them, sure, but not you. One evening with my parents and you’ve officially gone over to the dark side. You’re taking advantage of my adoration for you. This is hardly fair, surely you realize that. I’m starting to rethink that concept now that you mention it. Alright, I’ll give you that one. Adorable practically makes me break out in hives but thank you, beautiful. Don’t scare me like that. I honestly thought she did. I wouldn’t put anything past my mother when it comes to embarrassing the hell out of me. I swear she lives just for that sole purpose alone. I bet your baby pictures aren’t cringe worthy at all. You’re unbelievable gorgeous now. You were probably the cutest kid.

What can I say? It was appealing, and I enjoy a little mischief just as much as anyone. I wouldn't say taking advantage of, necessarily. That makes it seem as though I'm somehow a crook in this situation. I'm just taking it into consideration. I knew it. You're quite welcome. She did! She definitely did, but I insisted that I didn't need them, seeing as though my photographic memory is superior to most. Wouldn't it have been funny if you came into my apartment, only to find one on the fridge? Now I'm feeling like I passed up on a good opportunity. Not too toot my own horn, (okay, maybe a little) but I was pretty darn cute.

Of course you’re loving this. Somehow I ended up getting the short end of the stick here. I prepped them ahead of time that your upbringing was the polar opposite of ours and they loved that instantly. A little contrast never hurt anyone. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re a family of misfits. We welcome any and all outcasts. You just adore my misery, don’t you? For someone so sweet, you can be awfully ruthless, you know that? See, this is why I wanted to steer clear of photo portion of the night. Only adorable on occasion, I’m hurt. Here I was thinking you found me cute all the time. If only I could wipe your mind clean of seeing those pictures. I’m never going to live this down.

I think part of you knew it would end up this way, don't lie. Oh no, it was something I picked up on. A little bit, maybe. Only because I know deep down, you don't truly mind it. I'm still a saint, hush. Hey! I thought if I said adorable all the time, that you'd go on some rant about how you'd prefer a tougher, more masculine adjective. You are cute all the time, silly. Especially when you don't mean to be. She even offered to make copies of a few of them for me, isn't that sweet? Now I can have a little piece of younger you forever. Kidding, just kidding. Your pictures are safe...only trapped in my memory until the end of time.

Yes, she’s awfully persistent with it too. I rue the day I taught her how to text, goddamn. I would never lie to you. You’re a lot of fun to be around. I won’t deny that you’re different from us but that’s a good thing. You brought something new to the table and my parents ate it up. That makes one of us. It was the worst part of the evening. I should have known she’d break out the pictures but for some insane reason, I actually thought she’d exercise some restraint. I clearly gave her too much credit.

She might be driving you nutsy with it, but I'm grinning from ear to ear. That was my concern, exactly that. I was brought up very differently than you were; I didn't want to seem like a complete outcast. But they're so welcoming, I couldn't believe it. Aha, I'm sure you thought it was but I don't feel so bad about it. That cherubic little face under that mop of dark hair. You were adorable, I still can't get over it. And look! You grew up to be a handsome, charming young man-- who still looks pretty adorable on occasion. Especially when he's pouting over his parents embarrassing him.