BLISSFULLY DRIFTING

“I’m trying really hard to be this person that has her shit together, that has some form of fucking control over anything that has to do with my life. I’m trying really hard not to be so god damn fucking angry at everything. At the world, at myself, at people in my life. I’m trying to mask it all with some point or validation or giving it a mean by saying “this has to happen for a reason. It had to.” But maybe that’s just it, that’s what’s driving me crazy. Maybe there is no reason why bad things happen or good things happen. Maybe there is no reason and it’s just that, a thing that happened. It’s just the universe being cruel and the universe giving you a break once in a while because if we’re being honest there is ALWAYS something. There will always be a time in your life where it feels like bricks are sitting on your chest and there will always be a time after the bricks when the light peaks through one small crack and you have that moment where you don’t feel like you’re drowning and you think “This is it, this is where things get better. This is where I get better.” And it’s true you do get better. You get better every time, but there will never not be a time when there isn’t bricks sitting on your chest and that is what is so goddamn heartbreaking to me. We are born and we suffer and we live and we are happy and sad and everything in between and then we just die. Our bodies go into the ground or get spread out somewhere that was once meaningful to you if your family or friends know you, if you’re lucky. If you’re lucky you might also find love. I’m trying, I’m really trying to find the goddamn crack in the pile of bricks but fuck. What’s the point? What is the god damn point.”

But please still love me when I‘m curled up in bed and crying. Please still love me when I have my bad days. Please still love me when my hair doesn‘t look good and I don‘t feel like putting make up on. Please still love me when I disappoint you. Please still love me when I fail. Please still love me on days when I can’t love myself. Please still love me when I’m not feeling good enough. Just please still love me, forever.

Honestly if I just dropped down dead right now I wouldnt mind

“I want to be so much more than what I already am and not being enough is killing me.”

“Let me hug you tight, and I’ll make you feel how important you are.”

“It is hard to love alone. To know such a glorious feeling is your own and not shared by the one you feel it for is so tragic because you want them to feel what you do. You desire it with all of your soul. That they could feel this that you carry inside, that lights up your days, that makes the moon shine brighter at night, that creates smiles out of thin air and warms the heart hotter than any star. You wish on them the joy you know for your own and I wonder if this is selfish at all, for it is you, you wished they loved but then is it not human nature to desire to be loved? Is it selfish to want something ingrained in the very fiber of your being? I don’t know because wouldn’t they get all of that love returned a thousand times fold?”

To See Yourself