Of Lies and Loyalty

It’s funny how when people shed tears over a loss, they tell themselves it will be for the last time. This is usually a response to some inner conviction. “They wouldn’t want me to be this miserable.” And I, too, have found myself in the situation where I truly believed I had cried for the last time. But then I read a single word in one of my many books, or I stir a potion in a particular fashion, or Rivar won’t come inside to eat… It all comes crashing back. The wave of emotions is more subtle. Sometimes just one or two tears is enough to see me through a whole week. And then other times, I find myself on my bed with my face buried into the pillow that no longer holds his scent, and it’s simply unending. The feelings just won’t go away.

I cry because he isn’t there to smile at me first thing in the morning or because I never asked him how to make Redridge waffles. I cry because I know that he comes during some nights to play with Rivar, and I cry because I never have the courage to face him for fear that he will blink away before I get a chance to say anything. I cry because I remember the happiest moments we had together, and I cry because I miss him more than I can bear.

And each time, I tell myself that it will be the last.

It never is.

I am not quite sure if that is healthy or not, but I have come to accept it as part of my routine. Honestly, I hardly see it as pathetic or sad anymore. The fact that I still feel so deeply is a sign that it was real and important—that I was affected. I wonder if he has any moments where it’s so obvious to the outside world how much our time mattered.  Not in front of other people. Just in front of the world itself—the outside air. The stars, the trees, the birds. The crashing waves upon the hull of his ship. Does he mourn to them? When he turns over and sees a face that isn’t mine, does he feel a moment of anguish? So many people take pride in the fact that they have “moved on.” What is this notion of moving on? I don’t know if I have ever truly moved on from anything in my life. Is that an issue? I don’t think I can believe that it is. We are shaped by what happens to us throughout our existence. Every action, reaction—every decision means something. Like a butterfly effect, a single yes or no can be the start of an entirely new destiny. So why should moving on be so important to us? It would be like disassociating from an entire section of our souls. To turn away from that piece that we created, and say “I no longer accept that you are there.”

Maybe moving on isn’t as deep as that. Perhaps the common meaning has become diluted in a way that just means “stop mourning.” I fear I haven’t yet come to that stage yet either. It’s not borne from a crippling sadness as it once was, though. Before, my tears were heavy like the rain that never seems to stop falling upon the peach tree orchard out back. They suffocated me with memories of what once was, and reminders that things could never be that way again.

Now, my sadness is much more like the rain in Elwynn. It’s almost mist like—especially in the morning. It’s quieter and more subtle. Its nature is not so oppressing that my thoughts are drawn to it as it is here in the Jade Forest. In each droplet echoes a yearning—simply an innocent wish on a fallen star.

I want to see him again. This time not as lovers, but as mere friends. My very being aches without his presence. I want him to be able to come to my home for tea, play with Rivar, and leave with a smile on his face. I want him to overcome the pain that he feels when he looks at me and remembers being brought back. Notice how I didn’t say “move on from”. Just as our happiest memories are illuminating in their sheer brilliance, so too are our worst memories etched deep into our souls. But I want him to overcome that pain. Use it as a pillar for growth and control. Avoiding pain and harboring it deep inside leads to vulnerability. The mind is a muscle like everything else. And it has its limits. There are only so many emotions that can he shoved inside before it bursts, giving others an opportunity to take advantage of momentary weaknesses. Not only that, but those weak moments breed countless other mistakes and emotions inside more people that they also feel the need to repress.

It’s a cycle. Everything is a cycle.

And I want that to stop. I want to grow, and become a source of growth. Can our meeting again not stimulate that if we try hard enough? Or will he forever live with such a gaping wound in his soul, giving access to the sinister intents of the malicious minded. Or even the innocent minded with their star-filled eyes and love-filled hearts. Worse, too, that they do not see how their actions are synonymous with sticking a red hot poker into an open cut. Only later do they realize that it could never have been because we are all stuck. We have moved on from so many pains and miseries that we no longer remember who we are. And constantly, it is like a gear struggling against a wrench caught in its brasswork. We inch forward just a tad, and then we are shot back to some point in the past, and we feel as if we have felt this pain before—in some fashion. And that we cannot ­change because it is our nature to be forever broken.

But we are not all glass cups. I think much fewer of us are than what Nikkitah believes.

And I am willing to bet on Faerthurin not being a completely shattered person. For I know him better than anyone else. I have gazed upon his soul and seen anger, malice, sorrow—but also love and happiness. That remained when I saw his soul last—that little piece of himself inside that I was so enamored by the first time. And until it is gone, I will have hope.

At times I want to kill him, for what he did to my Fey. Though I do not always show it, especially not as Blightheart does. I do care deeply for the woman and I simply want her happy. I thought he was smarter than what he turned out to be.

So what? He died and she did what she had to, to bring him back. That should not mean he forced her from his bed…From his life. I want him dead for how he hurt her.But, I won’t kill him. Feythril has made it quite clear that she still cares in a way, and does not want him hurt. So, I will not touch him. I will offer him my assistance and I will keep an eye on him for her. For if anything were to happen to him…I fear her condition would become worse.I offered him my services, to perhaps erase those painful memories of being raised. To help block others from using that dark magic against him. Yet he declined until he…I don’t know what he is waiting for honestly. But, I will respect his choices for now. But, if I see someone manipulating the energy within him and I feel it could put himself therefor Feythril’s mental state in danger I will not hesitate to cast my magic without his consent.

....

Stop laughing!

Tagged by: lirraemberdawn​

“Your full name?”

“Feythril Evenlun.”

“Any nicknames?”

“Fey, for the most part. But I have been called Star-cursed girl and Locks most recently.”

“How old are you?”

“Old enough.”

“Your occupation?”

“I don’t really have one. “An Alchemist” would be the most appropriate answer, I suppose.”

“What’s your favourite type of sweets and/or candy?”

“Lemon meringue pie.” 

“What’s your favourite kind of pastry?”

“I enjoy muffins quite a bit. Banana nut, to be precise.”

“What’s your favourite scent?”

“The smell of the sea and doublerum.”

“Do you like the colour pink?”

“I don’t dislike it, but I prefer purple. Pink is a bit too bright for my tastes.”

“Do you like romance stories? Why or why not?”

“I like any kind of book, but I would say romance novels are not in my top five of favorite genres. They are usually very cliche and follow the same themes. I get tired of them quickly.”

“Are you often alone?”

“If by ‘alone’ you mean ‘not surrounded by other living people’ then yes.”

“What’s the most common reason for you being alone?”

“I don’t want to lose what little bit of myself remains.”

“Do you get lonely when you’re alone?”

“Sometimes, but I have pets and memories to keep me company.”

“What’s an activity you always come back to, to keep yourself occupied?”

“Reading. I love to read.”

“What could happen while you’re alone that would make you reach out for company?”

“I really don’t know how to answer that. If I want company, I will seek it.”

“Do you like to make friends?”

“I love it.”

“What qualities do you look for in a friend?”

“Someone who can accept me for who I am.”

“Do you make friends easily?”

“I would say I have average success at making friends.”

“Who would you say is your best friend?”

“Nikkitah Blightheart.”

“Who’s a friend you would like to spend the rest of your life with?”

“Faerthurin Lantis.”

“Do you see your friends often?”

“I used to. Not so much anymore.”

“How do you like to spend time with your friends?”

“I like to go exploring the best. Spend time outside, under the stars. Just talking is nice.”

“Is there anything that would make your character want to break off a friendship?”

“If the person became a huge threat to my well being, perhaps.”

“Do you want a sexual relationship?”

“Purely sexual? No. Regardless, I am not looking for anyone right now. Or ever.”

“What’s your sexual orientation?”

“I don’t know if I care enough to have a preference.”

“Do you find it easy to hook up with new people?”

“I don’t ‘hook up’.”

“Is there anyone you would like to be sexually active with?”

“Why does that matter to you?”

“How often do you have sex?”

“As much as I feel is necessary at the time.”

“Do you want a romantic relationship?”

“Not anymore.”

“Do you find romance comes easily to you?”

“Does it come easily to you?”

“Is there anyone you would like to be dating?”

“I suppose.”

“How often do you see the person or people you’ve been dating or want to be dating?”

“I don’t see them anymore.”

“What’s your ideal romantic date?”

“I am tired of these questions.”

“What’s a deal-breaker for you romance-wise?”

“Lack of manners.”

L. Schreiber

(via weltenwellen)

lantisthepreyingmantis, Leo is great for Faer. And blightheart, dat Scorpio. Man this is relevant for Fey (Virgo) and Aire (Aquarius). And me. -lays on floor and just rolls around in the feels.)

Damn this is a hard one as just about everyone I’ve read has top 5 written all over them. But if I haaaave to narrow it down in no particular order.

blightheart : flipping fantastic writer and wonderful person all around. Icly I love the complexity of nikkitah and just how his crazy story develops.

wildblades : icly he is one if not Alla’s closest friend and All doesn’t really enjoy having friends so there’s that. Oocly a chilled out dude who is just awesome in every way.

paijwen : had a kid after a drunken romp with All and didn’t guilt him into his responsibilities but was also putting his needs before her own, a trait she does often and that All admires. Oocly is just a nutball - DONT EVER CHANGE YOU NUT BALL!

kelzthalassunwhisper : Ohhhh whittle kelz. Icly Allas sister that is a new development that she was so kind enough to throw herself into on a whim and changing/altering something about your toon is no small feat so it’s something I will always be grateful for. Oocly she’s a goof and I always enjoy our random Skype convos.

tendrokos : he is my bae. I reed hiz posts n cry every tiem

“My family…they are truly incredible in every sense of the word.  

My eldest brother and sister were lost in the battle with the Scourge, and even though Berlioz had returned in his new unlife, I’m afraid he’s gone again.  However, being the only brother, he protected us with his life and was the constant source for fun and laughter in my younger years.  

Makynzi was every bit our mother’s daughter, using the Light as a means to mend broken souls and inspiration.  One thing I loved best about Kynzi was her ability to keep a secret.  I never even felt as if I was taking a Confession with her.

Aerynai, or Nai to us, followed in Kynzi’s path as a healer and clergywoman.  It was her belief that no family should ever be without the presence of the Light and she did her best helping raise us in our late younger years to aspire to our dreams and goals.  If it weren’t for her, I would’ve lost out on so many wonderful opportunities as a teacher.

Ada and Adrie, my older sisters who are twins, are the one aspect in my life that had always taught me that it’s alright to agree to disagree.  Ada being a Farstrider, and Adrie leaving her post as a Blood Knight to aid in the Argent Crusade’s work, have always watched out for each other even when their two realms had been torn apart by the anger, jealousy, and hatred of each other.  Only in recent years have their two lines of work become more amiable to each other, but the fact that they supported one another, closely and voraciously might I add, speaks in volumes about how blood is definitely thicker than water, and how family is the tie that binds.  There are times where they can fight like cats and dogs, but even with them being completely different as night and day, you won’t find any two siblings that are closer.

My cousin Alia is very close in age to myself, and most people believed us to be twins due to all the similar things we enjoy:  reading, scientific discussions of the arcane, and spending time in the library researching.  We spent so much time in the library as children that she decided to pursue a path in education alongside me until an accident with her darker magics caused her enough ridicule to make herself a bit more reclusive.  I love Alia and wish she’d escape from her shell more as I feel her vibrancy is beginning to wane with all the pressure she has on herself to break the common taboos of those who work with fel magics.

My cousins Ciri and Shii are also a pair that are as different as night and day.  While Cirenna is the very definition of a breath of fresh air, her sister Sheida is able to strongly hold her own as well as protect the lives of others efficiently, even if her demeanor is oft times off-putting.

My beloved friends drazuriann, vielynne, rinaphoenixsinger, evieandwarren, and now asharri.  Without them, I wouldn’t have survived so long on my own.  The constant uplifting, the consistent friendship and love we have for one another that’s sisterly, they are the sisters I was able to choose for myself.

I have other friends as well that I like to consider distant family, like safrona-shadowsun who tirelessly works her craft well, lilysaliao whom I wish I could spend more time with, centoristarstriker, who I am getting more acquainted with as time passes, mistysoulreave who shares a love of literature with me, as well as my dear Kaevia (light-bless) who I have not had the pleasure of visiting with in some time.  I also miss very much Celestine’s ghostly presence (nystin) haunting the library as well as kaelenar, my favorite ghost, and llornesunsteel, who was the pupil that all pupils should model themselves after.  His tenacity for wishing to read sparked so much inspiration within me that I developed a new curriculum for adults.  My dear friend sylaess has been a little silent, I miss her inquisitive nature.  I’ve yet to see anierous patrolling near the library as of late, and I hope he has been well on his journeys. 

My “brother” traianbloodshade, how I miss you so.  My brother arkanae, I hope you have found your solace in the light once more.  I always miss yours.  belyndrae, I wish you’d come visit me at the library more often, we have so much to catch up on.  silverssong, my dearest Whynnoa, where has the time gone?!  We truly need to get together and cook sometime.  Nikkitah, I hope that you are well wherever you are and finding peace (blightheart).  My dearest rooktangram, ever present shadow, ever constant presence in my life.  I miss you. 

zookeepercie, I hope you’ll be back in the city soon from your many misadventures with your beloved wildlife to see the new children’s discovery area in dedication to you and your work. 

canerae, we truly do need that tea together.  fairstrike, that girl’s night out with you and getting to know you was a breath of fresh air, I hope for that again soon.  Speaking of which…I need a visit with my dear friend Westlynn (quantico-go) and scour her mind for fresh ideas since her creativity is beyond compare.  I hope my dear solarine is well, it’s been quite some time since we were able to sit at the fountain and just chat. 

Speaking of absences, I haven’t seen ciirianshandralin or alordrostusscorchglaive or unabashedrebel at the library in some time.  I hope things are well for them.  I’m sure that Nala (mindofnala) has been tending to her own life as of late, but I feel the loss of her presence. 

Lastly, my beloved Nolavar.  He is the one part of me that I will forever cherish.  Risking his own life, being present during a possible life-threatening surgery, and loving me unconditionally proves to me that there is still hope in the world.  Once I accept his surname as my own, and become fully a part of House Blightsun, I feel as if my life will truly become adventurous as I take on the role of a wife and hopefully following soon after that…a mother.  He is the only person I can picture myself walking beside for the rest of this journey that is life, and it will be his hand that is held during times of pain and joy, happiness and sorrow, until we pass unto the next plane of existence.

Nikkitah,

It has been difficult to find words to say after what has transpired. So many things on the tip of my tongue and yet now I find it hard to pen them down? I suppose I will start by saying that Faerthurin left me. It was not long after we corresponded last, in fact. It may have even been the same day.

I cannot find it in me to be upset over it anymore. Time was needed for the hurt to ebb away, but I think part of me knew it would happen eventually. The foreboding air surrounding his empty place in my bed told me that much. Our last conversation was emotional, and it left me very drained. Asphodel visited soon afterward to give me a letter from him. He wasn’t able to get his point across much when we spoke, so this was necessary. He told me the reasoning, talked of how he is undeserving of a love like the one we had. 

You may think it cowardly, the approach he took. But I appreciated it. Too often have I sent letters to you as well trying to word things I just couldn’t in the moment. And I trust that he did not lie to me. There was no reason to.

My last letter to you holds true. I still do not wish to see him killed. He carries a piece of me with him, and to destroy him would be like destroying a part of my soul. Time will not change that, I don’t think. It may see the space lessened, but there will still always be space there reserved for him and only him. 

I have been taking care of myself in his absence. I even went to a fire festival the other day–though it was strangely ironic. Asphodel went with her lover, and I tagged along. They were nice enough about it. They are both close to me, still. Asp through you, of course, and the other through Ravenwood. I am surprised I didn’t realize they were together sooner.

I am sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I had a letter written out soon after it happened, but I still needed time for the wound to close so I could think and speak clearly. 

Yours truly, 

Feythril