Make Them Hear You

Basically no one asks “how are you doing?”

Either everyone pretends that nothing happen. I get it. You all have lives. You moved on. You were sad for me. You felt bad for me. “How unfortunate.” “That’s terrible.” “What the fuck happened?” “That really sucks.” “How is your sister?” “How is your brother?” “She was so young.”

None of those things are untrue.

But no one asks how I’m doing. No one asks how I’m feeling. 

What’s even better is how people tell me “how I must be feeling.”

Even if you’ve experienced any kind of loss, YOU DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL. 

No one asks me that.

How do I feel? – Like fucking shit. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I’m scared. I’m empty. I’m alone. I’m tired. I’m worried. I’m stressed. I’m a fucking mess.

Some days I don’t cry. Some days I don’t stop.

I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t give a fuck about your problems. I don’t care how hard your Tuesday was. I don’t want your sympathy or empty handouts. I want to feel your compassion or I don’t want your bullshit. 

I also don’t want to be alone. But I know how hard it is for you to look at me. It must really tear you up to think about how hard this must be for me. I don’t want to watch the hypothetical sadness wash over your eyes while you think about what “it must be like to be me.” I don’t want to watch your mind wonder as you think “I should really call my mom today.” Because I can’t. I can’t tell her anything. I can’t text her. Or complain about her. Or ask her “how do I do this grown up <<thing>>”. I can’t. Prioritize your parental relationships on your own time.

If you read this and it pisses you off, GOOD. Then it was meant for YOU.