.koko.

It's so melancholic, this existence... every year it declines in substance, and the more humanity I encounter along my journey (here, on Earth! lol), the less unique or exclusive I am beginning to find  human beings  as a whole, and, the more cynical in nature am I beginning to find “the meaning of life”; then again, perhaps nature’s cynicism is beginning to really rub off on me…

Whatever the answer, it’s all irrelevant anyway…  I no longer exist on a plane in which I am able to accurately judge the answer to that question.

I feel like my life started out like something from some beautiful (whimsical) fairytale. Every memory, or moment in time was something I'd liken out of the many Disney movies and story books I grew up with; and then, as time has gone on, it has began to twist out... bent unto a deformed, older and more mature (and extremely peculiar) horror-tale, near sucked-dry it's brilliance; my life is currently in sepia (heading straight-on to greyscale, soon!)..

And, as I stare at my old Facebook photos -or, when my Facebook got deleted the first time, the photos on my pc- when I try and look back into how things used to be, I see an allotment of many distinctly different memories, instead of just one..

And now that I've travelled so far away from that time, I feel like Dorothy, or Alice... and in that moment I want nothing more than to be in the home of my true memories, filled with vibrance again, brighter than day, more clear than the full moon lighting up the darkness...

"There's no place like home...

There's no place like home..."

... 🌇 ...

And, just like that, all my beloved Disney-themed fairytale narratives are no more..

Princesses being swept away by a knight in shining armour, dragons fighting the king and kings men, guarding a city of thorns... Gone.

All that lay in their wake were the twisted versions of their predecessors.  The princesses became whores, the princes: deformed, scared and scary, real, versions of their former selves.. some dead before their happy ending was to come, (their long lost love and thus their lives, undone) - and the remaining? Why, swallowed whole by the dragon, of course!

Nothing but dust and cobwebs adorn The City of Thorn's gates, thick as thieves, yet to be disturbed in this strange futuristic neo-fairytale city..

And, like the lost pages of my fairytales, I too have come undone.

I numb the pain of my existence, and the gravity of my trauma with heavy drug-use. Opiates, stimulants, benzos, ghb/14b... whatever  I’m able to get my hands on.

Each day, I spend it as if it is my last; not knowing if I will wake up after the last shot of smack I had.

Like Snow-White, or Sleeping Beauty, I'm  -

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///…There is an obvious break here: I more than likely just passed out… Probably from exhaustion (due to crying myself to sleep, lol**). Anyway, moving on...\\\

OCTOBER 21st, 2021 | 11:58AM

I used to wake-up and "Carpe Diem"!

Nowadays, in my wake I see the billowing path of destruction behind me where my body collapsed the previous night (or morning), and give-up before I've even finished looking at the mess I may blame my partner on but honestly, it is my own fault for allowing things to get this way.. I just don’t know how to deal with that, though.

//__All I know now__\\ All that I am certain of at this point in my life,  is that one day, if I do not become just another statistic/number on a graph owned by the system:

If I survive this, and continue down the same path I am currently, then that means that one day (soon) the drugs are going to stop working… And when that happens,

I’m going to have to deal with whatever trauma guided me down this Rabbit Hole in the first place.