I feel so defeated lately. I know I'm getting my life back together and doing what I'm "supposed to do" but I haven't even scratched the surface and it feels insurmountable. I have a job that is so good to me-letting me off when I'm not well and stuff like that. BUT taking days off feels wrong and bad because I started full time after not working for three years and barely leaving my house (yay agoraphobia) and now I only work three days and still can't do that sometimes. I have health issues to deal with that I can't because I don't have a working vehicle right now and even if I did I can't afford insurance for it and gas and such because I'm only working part time because of my health. (Someone else drives me to work) If I work full time I lose my health insurance and wouldn't be able to afford my bills along with the car shit and health insurance. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and it's really making me not want to do any of it. I don't even know how to begin. My periods are so bad I'm bleeding through in less than an hour and ended up having to come home to shower and change today. (Normally I would have taken off but I'm trying to just fake it till I make it.) My shoulder has been absolutely fucked for months I can't lift it over head or move it certain directions without excruciating pain and I haven't seen anyone about that, I tweaked something in my lower back last Sunday and haven't been able to sit or stand too long because it hurts so bad and I wake up sweating and crying because of it. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I always let things get so far out of hand that I can't even begin to fix it even though I know exactly what I have to do. I've gained weight which is mentally draining me because of my past ed and I'm struggling between binging and not eating. (Also trying to tell myself a little weight gain is fine even though it's really not to my brain) I've been struggling mentally with my life not being anything like I'd like it to be and holding onto resentment for my family from things they've done and said to me even though I know they love me and didn't mean ill. I'm just not doing well and needed to vent and I don't want to dump it on anyone so I'm dumping it into the void.