“We never were made to be holy.”

I am so sorry to those who I didn’t help I knew how I just didn’t

I’m so close to that telling my parents about the DID thing tonight I’m going insane I can’t fucking exist today

I think the first and last time I cried in front of my parents outside of infant and toddler stage was when I was in the psych not being able to say anything but ‘this sucks I want to leave’ while sobbing I wish they asked me about what happened there instead of pretending it didn’t happen

I used to go to libraries all the time as a child whenever I was in town and things got too much I’d walk over and just browse through the books and read until it was time to go I miss that and I think libraries will always be a safe space for me

Wish I could just be normal for a single day

Everything sounds robotic and scripted it doesn’t feel real enough

Realized I’m going to be home alone with a gun tomorrow fucking fantastic

I can’t believe I didn’t runaway it’s been a year and I’m still regretting it I’d probably be dead by now

I remember when I’d hide under the dining table or in animal cages as a child I don’t think I’ve found anything that has made me feel safer

I don’t know why I’m so scared I’m safe so there shouldn’t be anything wrong

I’m back to hating my appearance locking back in on the ed I fear

I think that maybe being stuck in a house with rarely any social interaction as a child might’ve impacted me

I’m scared of their reactions but I’m so tired of this

How am I meant to ask for help without admitting it happened? How can I avoid the consequences that would come with opening up they genuinely wouldn’t understand it I think, I think they’d say it wasn’t that bad

I wish I could socialize more that there wasn’t a limit of interaction I can deal with and if it goes farther I’m incredibly not myself

Every passing day it becomes more apparent that I need help