and like dont get me started on what diseases actually correlate better with other factors, factors that themselves happen to correlate with gender.

AQUARIUS

This week is a good time to try something daring, like getting out of bed and standing on your own three feet.

PISCES

There is an alternate universe, Pisces, where Pluto is still a planet, but that universe is not this one.

ARIES

Do raindrops scream as they fall? Listen closely next time a storm approaches.

TAURUS

If I tried to warn you, would you listen?

GEMINI

The stars have told me that the dream you had about the big double-decker bus is going to come true.

CANCER

Hold onto the past like a cactus (gingerly and painfully), then throw it away like a boulder (unsuccessfully).

LEO

You should really just go ahead and throw yourself a bigger, dumber birthday party.

VIRGO

I don’t know why you would ask, but no, I’m not wearing cargo pants today.

LIBRA

You probably shouldn’t be worried, Libra.

SCORPIO

I’m not well-versed in verses about wells, but I at least know you’ll be trapped in one shortly. A well, not a verse.

SAGITTARIUS

Invest in the ice cream parlor that serves only one-scoop cones of vanilla.

CAPRICORN

some things I’m told when I try to open up about my BPD

a gay cryptid