aha

it EEZ what it EEZ

until further notice i am hollow and passive and so small u can’t see me

sometimes i feel like the earth could swallow me at any given moment and I’d be just STRAIGHT vibin in that bitch.

i don’t know how to describe the emptiness that I’m feeling. everything up to this very point is my fault and I’m aware of it, all of the things that are driving me to think like this are purely a result of my own actions and I can’t take anything back.

my thoughts are becoming very unhealthy and they scare me. I’ve never believed in a god but for a split second I thought to myself I need a sign. im hoping for a sign and i would ignorantly follow a false prophet just to stop feeling this way. if it helps me cope.

I’m thinking about my best friend and how she felt this way for so long, and I finally understand. I never understood why she struggled so much to want to be alive, and she told me she wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for me, and I finally finally understand that.

living for other people is one hell of a guilt trip, it works enough to still be breathing bro.

i don’t know how to describe this anyone. I’ve always lived for everyone else. if there was a way for me to go, without mom and nene and ariel being so hurt, I wouldn’t feel so guilty. everyone else will make it out okay eventually, but even dead I can’t bear the idea of my family being hurt forever. alex will be hurt but he’ll be okay. there’s plenty of people.

I need someone or something. I don’t know what I need. But I need something.

so. flashback to taurus. of course

we got into an argument about something dumb. we argued for two hours when no one was home, so naturally he took it upon himself to scream. at one point i was done speaking back and just sat there, laid down. he laid down next to me but facing the opposite direction. after 10 minutes of laying in silence i finally cracked, softly touched his back and said “please don’t talk to me like that”. he responded by whipping around and saying in a literal demonic voice “just fucking give me space” but he said it with shake in his voice. and it was very loud. he sounded scarily angry. i shook immediately because obvious loud noise in the otherwise silent room and I made that high pitch noise i make when im scared. I retracted my hand and was quiet. he then said “don’t even do that shit where you pretend you’re scared of me” but hahahah i really was.

so now flash to dinner time, this happened like early evening, i still have yet to say a word. he has yet to say a word. it’s been literal hours of us sitting in silence while he watches something. im making food in the kitchen and he’s doing something, he doesn’t even make eye contact with me. im so sad, and cried out, and exhausted. really hot baths make me feel better. i drew a bath and i just sat there sunk to my lips in water and just cried as silently as possible.

eventually he knocks on the door when ive been in the bath for over two hours. it’s locked because i just wanted peace. he says in his very familiar gentle voice “sarah please open the door”. i didn’t answer or make any noise. I don’t know why I did that, I just couldn’t bring myself to answer or say anything audibly because at this point I had shut down. he got the little key thing from on top of the doorframe and unlocked it. i didn’t want to look at him. i just cried silently. he said “cmon, get out. come watch a movie.” I didn’t move. He sat on the floor for a few minutes and stared at me. He said he was sorry for yelling. I still didn’t move.

At this point, he goes back into the room with comes out with my clothes. He drains the tub and gently grabs my arm and pulls me up, dresses me, and gives me a hug. I still haven’t said a word. I was completely shut down and void of any emotion.

He tried to make it better by attempting to hold me but at that point I was violently crying. I laid there the rest of the night pretending like I was actually watching a movie but I dissociated does hard when I calmed down. My eyes were puffy and my face hurt from the swelling of crying so hard.

And I couldn’t even leave then, when I shut down so badly that I didn’t see the need or have the want to speak. And people wonder why I stayed so long, but things like that behavior is why. Even though he was horrible sometimes, he knew how to play his cards to keep me around. I wanted intimacy so badly that any shred of it gave me small gratification, and I genuinely thought at the time that small amounts of affection are better than being alone all together.

The gross thing is that he wasn’t always awful. He knew how to give me good days, he knew how to be nice, he knew how to be caring. He just never really wanted to, which told me he was playing a part. He was very good at covering up his actions with affection and making them diminish because “look I did this one good thing for you so therefore I’m absolved of everything else”. That’s why leaving was so difficult and no one ever seems to understand.

But I thought of that moment today and I remember how utterly empty and unloved I felt. How it hurt me to my fucking core. More so that I was so weak, and I let him coddle me into thinking an apology was sincere. that feeling was unpleasent to remember

And since I have not been going to therapy recently this is for me. to vent