ME

So one Saturday morning, when I neglect my usual running routine and decide to spend a lazy day at home, I let my mind wonder...”What is the purpose of my existence right at this moment? What am I doing that nobody else is doing? (not running, maybe) How the fcuk people find their purpose, or how do they ignore that nonessential crap out of their mind and smile through their existence?”

They say there's Fall-Winter-Spring-Summer-Fall...

But I guess I have defined my year as MovingOnPhase-NewFriendshipBlooms-FriendsDitch-GettingOverPhase-MovingOnPhase...

I guess the only thing I became after this, is to be a better competitor to Apple’s recycling.

It’s how well you treat yourself, and how much awesome you think you are that matters the most. When you start putting yourself in front of each and everything that is draining you emotionally, you will see it clearly. 

So with one of my many attempts to build my self confidence and everything, I started to read StrengthsFinder2.0 by Tom Rath. And I stumbled across this pretty little straightforward self-explanatory equation.

TALENT X  INVESTMENT = STRENGTH. 

Simple right? Well, what if that wasn’t your case. What if this was your equation?

x X INVESTMENT = STRENGTH. Find x.

“So do you have a boyfriend? Back in India?” he asks.

“Yeah and No!”

He gives me a puzzling look and laughs saying, “Can you be clear in this at least. Break up, huh?”

“I liked a guy. He liked me too. But he left me for his ex. I know it is pretty rude, but please don’t tell anything like that to me straight on my face. I’m having a tough time trying to get over this and I am not ready to listen to the usual lectures about how I’m being the fool here!”, I say in a hurry.  I decide not to narrate the entire incident to him. It is something that I'm still trying to put behind me. And this can wait. Maybe, I am weighing my thoughts whether or not this person deserves to know about my screwed up past!

Of course his curiosity didn’t stop him there and he asks, “Are you going to India now to meet him by any chance?”

“Maybe! Hey, what do you think? The guy who blocked my contacts everywhere and the one who asked me never to try and reach him and expected me to take this change all in one day would want to meet me?”

“Seriously!!", he pauses giving me a are-you-mad stare and continues to satisfy his curiosity. "Who is he? I may know him.”

“Come on, I don’t want to tell you anymore details now.”

“Okay, you don’t have to. I will get it from you later”, he says grinning.

I lose my patience, slightly getting frustrated I open my mouth to ask him to stay out of this and then I pause. In the dim light, all I could see of him was his clumsy appearance and how he never bothered about taming his hair nor trimming his beard. How could I possibly like spending time with someone, about whom I once thought making a sane conversation was never possible and always found excuses to avoid it.*What was I saying anyway?* I slowly look away from his eyes 'cause I didn't want him to know that I'm staring at him for no reason. Of course why should I, when I am telling him how torn apart I am when the guy I liked left me for another. I finally gather my thoughts together and say, “I just can't get over it!! End of Conversation!” *Wait what am I trying to get over?*

He laughs again. Coming a little closer to me he says, "Come on, everybody moves on. Would you not like another guy here? I bet you will soon", he says with such confidence. "So quit the drama and move on fool!"

Little did I know that I am already looking at my reason to move on. I never knew that I would end up talking so much with him. But that's who he is - A warm personality with always so much to talk whether it makes sense or not. One of the many reasons for people to like him despite his complete weirdness.

Voice1: You are being such a despo! Don't you have a life to live? Voice2: No way. Stop over thinking and just talk later. Voice1: Oh yeah? That's what you think. Remember this is what you said the last #InsertWhateverNumberAppropriate# times when it happened! Voice2: So what? I am sticking to what I want. Voice1: Even if you know you are being taken for granted! Voice2: Who said anything about that! Listen, I trust my relationship. Voice1: Do you? .... I don't know.

So how will I ever know! Every time when the call is not answered, we still wait to call again. Every time when the call is not returned, we still think there's a real genuine reason. But what we fail to realize is every time when we compromise, we give up on a part of the relationship. We give up on expectations, we give up on making them part of our lives anymore. 

Today a part of me (another part of me) got disappointed. 

And the funny thing is, I don't know who the reason for it is. You or Me!

I am dragging the over sized suitcase of mine along the metro station complaining about the crowd in the subway. He is a little ahead of me asking me to let him carry my suitcase.

"No its okay. I can drag it. It's got rollers anyway", I say.

He shrugs.

Yeah it’s a fact that I hardly let anyone do anything for me. It takes a heavy and loving dosage of compulsion to make me agree to people.

We come to a halt at the beginning of the stairway inside the metro that leads the exit to the streets. I can already see the colorful lights and hear the buzz of the ever-busy New York City. Excitement builds in. It has always been my wish to visit this place once in my life and I was so determined to check that off my bucket list this year-end. I was still clueless and curious about why he wanted to come with me. Until now. Until this moment when he suddenly drags me close to him wrapping his arm around my shoulders and kissing me softly on the lips.

*Something strange happened then.The subway became completely silent. It was like somebody hit the mute button on the streets of New York City that I could hardly hear the buzz anymore. The land below me and the walls beside me disappear leaving just the two of us alone in this entire world. I wanted to open my eyes then to see if I was really flying! I love this silence, this place, this moment, with him.*

My heart skips a beat. By the time I take it all in and begin to react to it, he lets go of me. ‘That was quick.’ I can see the over crowded subway coming back to my frame now, and the noise from the streets strikes right back in my ears.. ‘What is happening!’ I feel my heart racing again and I really wanted to think about this. But it is true, how one’s heart always has its way over one’s mind. I liked it and there was nothing to think about. ‘I loved it.’

Regaining my thoughts I look straight into his eyes. He looks back at me waiting for me to say something, reading my expression and scanning through my face for a sign of acceptance. I slowly let go of the shock and smile at him, this time moving closer to him, closing my eyes as I kiss him right back on his lips. It lasted for a short while that was still enough to prove my point. Now that he has got his approval he beams and lets go of me. 

"So now can I take the suitcase?", he asks like nothing happened and the entire scene drifts back to normal (Ground-level for me!).

How can I refuse after such a strong ‘display’ of compulsion!

I nod still lost for words. ‘I love New York!’ 

And we head out to the city wondering what’s gonna happen next!

 ——-

It’s funny how the moment that started with no hesitations and that lasted only for a while, still gets imprinted in mind, as a memory that lasts forever, no matter how different the path that we end up taking is.

And this is my way of recreating those memories - that I wish were never ‘just memories.’

“So finally we met each other! I kind of got tired of our Facebook exchanges continually asking ourselves if we really study in the same school or not”, I say casually to start off with the conversation that never ceased soon.

“Yeah, took a while I know. So, do you wanna go somewhere? Some place to eat?”

“No! It’s too cold outside. And I haven’t been around much, so you would be regretting a lot if you let me choose a place.” 

It had just been a month and a half since I stepped into this place and the truth is I haven’t really made that many friends as I thought I would. Getting around with new people has never been a problem for me and I take pride in my amiable personality. But reality hit hard when I came here. People were already ganged up and it takes effort to be bothered to befriend someone new. *On a futuristic thought: What I was unaware of then was that there would be a truckload of equally crazy nonsensical people in my life to prove how lame my conclusion was* And this is a perfect example of how life changes eventually ‘cause that’s one of the many conclusions I tend to make initially and those that doesn’t hold true later. 

“Yeah it is getting cold, so let us just go for a walk around the campus”, and he starts walking towards the school campus.All the while I was cribbing about how painful it is to walk in the cold, but now it didn’t seem to bother me anymore. It’s really true how a good company could make a lot of difference on how you can feel about certain things, even if it happened just a while ago!

We walk past the school of Engineering, the place that is always buzzing with grads and engineers spending sleepless nights on projects irrespective of what time of the day it is. ”So how’s life?” he asks. My mind switches on its usual stream of thoughts - The fact that I’ve so much to study and hell a lot of assignments to work on already, and that I also have no friends to freak out which makes my life pretty amazing. I ignore those silly sounds in my mind and decide to stick to a simpler answer. "Good. But I miss home".  

He laughs immediately. I raise an eyebrow at him wondering what is so funny about what I said. Just like he can read my mind he looks at me and says, “Everybody does. But come on, you’ll start enjoying the freedom once you find the right set of people here. Trust me I was in your place once and I went home twice since then. You can always do that too!”