Blackwell Brew

First, I really enjoyed this documentary and it's choice to profile a twelve year old girl as one of it's main characters. I think that was one of the two moments that affected me the most. The documentary spans over at least a year, long enough for one of the stars to become pregnant, and so we start the documentary with this young lady talking about how media shouldn't control women and how it's important to become the person you want to be regardless of how people think you should dress or act, and then throughout the documentary we can really see this girl become more and more shaped by pop culture and it telling her how certain people should act.

I've always been a "Dress how you want" person, but watching the girl change from cute leggings to short skirts and fishnets didn't make me feel like she was dressing too provocatively for her age, but it did make me ask myself the question "Is this how *she* wants to dress or how she thinks she *should* dress?"

At one point (well, at several, really) the girl loses her facebook privileges for posting revealing photos of herself. The girl's mother, a high profile defense attorney (If I remember right), said Winnie could dress however she liked but said something along the lines of it having to be an informed decision. And she didn't mention it in the way my mother did, of "If you wear a skirt that short you will get raped." (with the implication of it being my fault due to my clothing choices) but more of "You need to be aware of the pressures of the world asking you to be a certain way, and while the people who will judge your decision are wrong you need to be prepared to handle it."

One of the other characters, as mentioned in the summary, is a woman who feels her vagina doesn't look normal because she has a longer outer labia. The woman decides to have a labioplasty and visits a male physician who appears to be unmarried and whose practice deals exclusively with aesthetic vaginal surgery.

This doctor pissed me off so, so much. He told her that her labia were a 7 and 8 out of 10 where 10 is the worst your labia can look. He definitely talked her into it and at one point said something along the lines of that he knew she was doing it for the right reasons but had to get some background questions out of the way as a formality.

At one point in the documentary the "Doctor" (his credentials were not verified in the film, so..."doctor") read testimonials about his surgeries and mentioned it was like curing cancer. He nodded and I swear he gives off this vibe like he thinks he is Holy for making vaginas pleasing to the eye.

This just really highlighted for me how controlled by men we as women are. You want to get a labioplasty to feel better about yourself? Go to the male doctor, who only does vaginas, who will tell you how bad your labia look and how you don't need a second opinion on it, to cut up your vagina. On one hand, I am all for doing what you need to do to feel comfortable about the skin you're in. Pierce it, ink it, change it to make you feel good. Not my place to say you shouldn't.

But when vaginas are seen as a commodity to men, and women with vaginas are getting these surgeries to make their vaginas more sexually appealing to their partners... I just.. Don't feel like the surgeon should also be a presumably heterosexual man. Sure, he can have his own preferences for what he likes in a vagina, but to be telling women with vaginas that theirs is wrong and needs to be fixed...

I don't why I feel like a female doctor would have been better. I just feel like, with the male doctor, it's been made so clear that men run the media and are in control of pop culture when it comes to women's bodies, like the surgeon being a man just makes me want to rip my hair out. It just made me angry and I'm not sure I can articulate my anger at him properly.

Finally, another moment I'd like to talk briefly about is the ex porn star. She said something that really hit me. She touched on a lot of things, how porn is meant to look pleasing and doesn't actually feel good (and as a former sex worker I totally understand this!) but that to help her get through it she maintained control the whole time. She was in control of HER body. If she was going to turn you on, it was going to be on HER terms.

So, I finish watching this documentary and I have rage feminism feels. It isn't FAIR that half naked women bordering on pornography is what sells us things. Look at this American Apparel post.  Women shouldn't BE COMMODITIES.  So then I decided that I was going to dress "modestly" and not show my body to anyone but my husband, just in retaliation to the rampant naked women everywhere telling me I need to be stylish, fit, and blonde.

But then I thought, that defeats the purpose. That's still not being ME.

So, I decided to AGGRESSIVELY BE MYSELF. I got my most colorful makeup and went to town on my face. I drew big swirlies and smashed color on my eyes. I did what I thought looked nice and I look like a weirdo with two toned lips (blue on top, purple on bottom) but I don't care.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FACE. THIS IS MY FACE, TO DO WITH AS I PLEASE.

I shall decorate it and love it and put it aggressively out into the world. It will bare your judging stares with pride. My body is not yours to dictate, to push into submission, and while it may be surrounded by images different from it is is not worse. It is not less than.

I will be hairy because that makes me comfortable. It is my body. Not your body.

I will turn you on only on my terms. 

I finally understand, now. I understand the posts that tell you to love your body and to claim it as your own. To wear make up if you want, or not to if you don't. To shave or not shave. To dress in layers or nothing at all.

I have brushed off these posts before because I thought they were false positive affirmations spewed by someone who couldn't see what I looked like, who wouldn't actually believe I was beautiful if they saw me.

But no. The love yourself posts are not fluffy bullshit. It is a rhetoric we must tell ourselves and we must hear if things are ever to change. You, whoever you are, are beautiful.

I feel so invorgated. I get it now. I get it. This is important.