Nonkqayi

I give Ode to my body. My skin. My home. My house. Every day I come back to this skin, where I baptize my fears and insecurities and drown them. In this skin I meet me, every day, all over and over again. Full. Whole. I am vast. I am a flower and I will not hesitate to open. Therefore, I take space, create space and hold space.

I slowly come back home, I slowly ground, I slowly love myself, I slowly give gratitude, I slowly learn, I slowly build my faith, I slowly pick myself up and then the rest is written in the stones. I am safe and whole. Nothing is missing, nothing is lacking. The stones have been waiting for me, the rivers have been in drought for years and now they are open to receive my vastness, so potently I flow - womb led. Black Queen, Black King the moon and sun have showed you what feminine and musculine energy can do when in oneness. It is time, ba'ndiniwe abantu abadala. Come back to your riches. Build your legacies.

You are you everyday child. Take pride in that, in your colour, in your roots, don't seek validation because all the truth you seek lives in you. Everything you've ever needed is in you. Fear not, the God you spoke of is in you. Connect, Contact don't seek for validation seek devotion. The youe you are you, the truer you are your youest you. Take your time. Practice patience. Love. Use your voice. Allow flow to happen. Take space.

Camagu 🙏🏾

I tried to be "normal". The girl who was always last to be picked for group work, the girl behind in pictures. I was silent or rather silenced, when I I tried to speak I felt my throat choke me like someone was forcing these words to stay inside. Shut up, this voice would murmur. Shut up. Close your legs. Be this, be that. Projections that became louder than self. I lost self, in that I lost my identity. The true essence of self.

I loved to hide behind cracked crooked smiles, often times many would say what a beautiful smile you have; I would not believe it. I tried hard to fit in, in that I lost my identity. I was made of fears that were projected on me by the females in my family, so when I stepped outside in the world I was projections of broken (for a lack of a better word) females. I believed I was sad, damaged, angry, unlovable, unfriendable. The house walls got louder as I grew, I hated being home. I started to build homes in exes, lovers, acquaintances, vices. I hated being a girl, close your legs, never wake up after the sunrise, cook, clean, surrender, submit, boys aren't your friends, why do you have a boy as a friend, don't wear short dresses, or skirts nor pants you'll attract the wrong attention. Show less skin, why are you moving your waist like that, why do you move so proactively, why do you dance like that, close your legs.

There are days I want to drown into my bed and to the Earth. Be part of the layers of the soil, be matter.

There are days I yearn for a companionship that is not demanding nor degrading. To drown into the arms of someone and let go. To exist as one with someone and some days that feels impossible.

Today I've been in bed and it's 13h33pm, my body and soul just want to be here. Lay here but my mind is scared time will pass us by, my mind constantly wants to be active otherwise there's always this guilt that blankets my skin. A constant need for validation.

It's always about suppression when you are Black, Queer, Spiritual and subjected to nothing.

But,

Here and now, I find peace. Camagu