Memento Mori

“Time for a good cry”

I made more paws!!!!! The white yarn in these is actually a bit softer than in my black paws! I had some trouble with the paw pad because i got yarn that was too thin TwT Tho i really like the smaller paw pad! I really like how my paws came out

You can buy them here :3

I didn’t think I would have to say this in the Year of Beyonce 2021 but here we are: Women have every right to break up with their boyfriends. Or their girlfriends, but since this post is about the portrayal of relationships in Kdramas, 99% of which are cis-men with cis-women, and all the patriarchal assumptions about gender roles that those entail, that’s what I’m going to focus on.

Fictional Reasons for Breaking Up, a Primer: People initiate break ups for all sorts of reasons in Korean dramas. Often there is a noble idiot element at play, where one party is being coerced into breaking up against their will to protect the other party. Sometimes different family expectations intercede so they break up out of not wanting to destroy the other’s relationships with their parents. Sometimes the return of an old flame, from the dead or from America, causes one member to doubt their new love and they break-up in order to go back to the safety of their old relationship. Sometimes they find out that one of their parents killed the other’s parents and they break up out of guilt. The last one happens with rather alarming frequency.

The common thread here is that most of these break-ups are prompted by outside forces, and that is also why most of them do not stick. They couple always ends up back together once the obstacle is surmounted, the miscommunication cleared up.

Rarest are the breakups that come from someone who genuinely doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, because being in the relationship makes them unhappy. We don’t see these very often- understandable as they aren’t traditionally conducive to the normal drama narrative. A female lead that doesn’t want to be in the arms of the male lead is anathema to many drama viewers. And, worse still, a female lead that actively prioritizes something other than the male lead, to the point of leaving him, particularly if that thing she is most worried about is her own mental health, is considered to be nothing more than a selfish bitch.

It is sad that most viewers, and male leads, don't respect that a woman can choose to break up because she wants to and that saying "I do not want to date you anymore" is, in fact, all the information a man needs, if he respects his partner.

But two dramas in the past year featured these break-ups prominently and sympathetically: Love Alarm and Lovestruck In The City. In Love Alarm, a teenager breaks up with her boyfriend of one month (although, to be fair, he has been in a hospital and then homebound for weeks so the actual time they dated is somewhere between 5 and 10 days) because being in the relationship makes her feel sad and small and fearful, despite the fact that she likes the boy. In LoveStruck in The City, a grown woman ghosts her vacation boyfriend of 2 months because, although she loves him, she met him while acting radically differently to her old self (who she loathes) and doesn’t believe his love for her can be real because she was pretending to be a different person the whole time.

In both cases, neither break-up is prompted by poor behavior on the part of the men. They haven’t behaved badly (ok, the teenager in Love Alarm has been objectively awful but he was awful in that way that dramas intend to look romantic, and there is no sign the girl thought the bad behavior was bad). The break-ups are, instead, 100% about the women not wanting to date anymore because of internal conflict about their own self-worth or struggles with their own identity.

In Lovestruck in the City, the breakup happens when the woman fails to turn up for the prearranged meeting in Seoul after the two lovers were separated, and then leaves him a cryptic phone message implying that she had really just been dating him to steal his cameras.

In Love Alarm the breakup happens face to face by the girl telling the boy “I can’t do this anymore, I am exhausted.” She also uses the excuse that senior year is coming and she doesn’t want to date. And she artificially blocks the demon-tech that people have started using to affirm their love so that the boy can no longer use it to spy on if she likes him. They have several conversations in which she affirms she does not want to date him.

Neither of the men take this news well.

In both dramas, the eventual reunion post-breakup is dominated by the men's feelings about said break-up, accusations, bitter reprisals, and the women apologizing. In one case the police are involved.

In both dramas, the women don’t regret breaking up, nor do they waver after the fact, which I appreciate. They had valid reasons to break up, and just because the men don’t like it, don’t approve, doesn’t mean those decisions were not the right ones at the time. Dramas in the past tend to focus on the pain of the male characters but give the inner lives of their female leads short shrift. This imbalance tends to give audiences unreasonable expectations of what is acceptable behavior. Both of these dramas spent considerable time exploring the women’s journey’s towards loving themselves and becoming more confidant and less fearful. And ultimately it is their ability to grow on their own that allows them to be able to start relationships later.

As for the men, it takes two seasons in the case of the teenager from Love Alarm, but he does eventually come to respect the decision of his ex, which allows him to move on. This comes only after his mother reaches out and tries to repair the damage she did to him with her abusive behavior while he was growing up. The lead in Lovestruck In The City after a lot of struggle on his own (which the audience witnesses, hilariously, via the “Office” like documentary feature of the drama) he comes to accept, and appreciate his ex-girlfriend’s focus on learning who she is and loving herself. His decision to let go of his bitterness and support her, his honestly wishing her the best, is what leads them back to each other.

I think these stories are actually a touch more realistic, most people who break up don’t do it because they found out their father killed their lover’s father 20 years ago. Most couples break up because the relationship isn’t working for one of them, even if their partner did nothing wrong. Normalizing respect for someone’s choice, even if you disagree with it, is a good thing.