First off it's 9:49pm on the evening of the 4th of October, 2021. Daylight savings started yesterday. Earlier this morning I received my 2nd dose of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine (more on that later). I feel well (update: later that night; my left arm got hella sore, I felt chills, feverish and weak overall. I didn't have the best quality sleep. I ended up calling in sick the next day at work - genuinely this time oOOoo). I went ahead and had dinner first by myself 'cause my dad had to go to the shop to help my Mum out. It's raining outside right now, it's been alternating between being sunny, rainy and hailing the whole day. Typical Melbourne. But slightly moodier than usual. I've been meaning to update here for a while but I've been procrastinating - till now! Lol. There's a lot to unpack so I'll do it in sections. COVID-19, Lockdowns, Vaccinations & an Earthquake: 2021 started off pretty ok. Till around a week before my birthday, we went into a "snap lockdown" which fortunately ended the day before my birthday thank god. So I was able to celebrate. My sister and my parents surprised me with a complete room makeover - full replaced my desk, bed/mattress/sheets and clothes rack and everything. And even gave me a vanity table and a live Peace Lily plant which I'm proud to say has been kept alive till now. They painted my feature wall grey (my favourite colour) and added a whole set of other furniture and decorative items that has given my room a more aesthetic and clean look. My nephew gave me flowers he picked out himself (roses), my brother-in-law (BIL) cooked me a nice steak meal at their house while my Sister and a helper were "secretly" making over my room. My sister, my BIL and I then went to Peninsula Hot Springs for a "moonlight sesh" which was pretty chill, just that a few facilities were closed due to covid. The Dippers gang and I also went for a cute picnic down at the local Botanic Gardens. I've been able to avoid the dreaded "lockdown birthday" yearly since the pandemic began so I've been one of the lucky few (not to mention, I've also managed to avoid having to get tested for covid ever). We had a good run of no lockdowns from my birthday till around end of May when another lockdown began which didn't end till early-mid ish June. The current lockdown that is ongoing started way back in mid-July. It is now the beginning of October, which is insane. Melbourne yesterday was pronounced "the most locked down city in the world" since the pandemic began. How depressing. According to Dan Andrews the lockdown will end on Oct 26, followed by more restrictions ending on Nov 5. International travel will apparently be possible from Nov? Not sure how true that one is. There's so much going on right now. So many people getting covid, so many protests taking place. People I know are getting covid. Exposure sites are growing each day, sometimes it'll be the local supermarket or petrol station. The record number of daily new cases has reached almost 1.8k in VIC (here we were thinking last year that 800 cases was a lot lmao). A few months ago if you asked me if I was planning to get vaccinated, I might've been somewhat hesitant. But today (and 3 weeks ago when I got my 1st dose) I was excited to get my 2nd dose of the Pfizer vaccine. Not so much by the thought of getting a needle jabbed into my arm, but the freedom it would offer. A lot of things will require a complete vaccination status when VIC opens up again. Life's too short to refuse getting vaccinated out of pride and a few conspiracy theories. Screw it, at this point I'd do almost anything to live life normally again. It's been almost two years now. The world is gonna end soon I don't want to live life locked up any longer. Oh and there was a 6.0 magnitude earthquake here on Sep 22. It was the longest (I think it went for a minute) and strongest ever here in VIC ever since I moved to Aus. Honestly it was scary. Every time I experience an earthquake I really feel like the end of the world has come. I turned 26 earlier this year: Dayummmm girl - 26! I still get at

least a bit anxious every time I think too hard about how old I am. Although I try very hard not to. There was a period earlier this year when I would get really bad quarter life crisis. Like to the point where the stress and anxiety caused by it would disrupt me while I work during the day, or at night while I lay in bed. But as months passed I've become better at coming to terms with my age. I've learnt to embrace it, as well as the added maturity, wisdom and experiences I've been able to accumulate only from being around this long. I've learnt to dodge the teasing insults of the infamous "OMG, you're so old now" or "Aren't you too old to do x, y or z?". Thanks to my workmate who blatantly told me "Who cares what others say..do/act however you want", I regained the confidence to delve into my inner child and just do and be however I feel LOL. Hell, I have an almost-50-y/o aunty who does dance TikToks regularly and dyes her hair vibrant colours every week or so. Who's saying a 26 year old can't do a few youthful things here and there ehh? You are only as young and as old as you'll ever be in the present moment, so why not make the most of it. The world can end at any moment. How sad to have spent it worrying about how many years you've been breathing. If anything, growing old is a blessing and a privilege not many people have. So just be thankful. Friendships: Meeting new people during a pandemic has been very challenging, if not almost impossible especially during lockdown. At a time when social distancing is urged and people are limited to the number of close contacts they can have over at home or meet in public, when can you really have the chance to establish new friendships? It's gotten so bad you don't even know who you can trust to not have covid so.. lmao. Sad times. To combat this issue, I eventually caved and gave in to downloading Bumble. BUT not for dating - for making friends. I had no idea you could do that till my workmates told me about it and encouraged me to give it a try. You simply select the "BFF" mode which means people who are also only down to meet new friends can see your profile and either swipe left/right on you. I downloaded it back in June I think? It's been an interesting but positive experience I must say. I'd never downloaded a "dating" app before so I didn't know what to expect. The thing I've noticed about "dating" apps since using Bumble is that it's very easy to judge a book by it's cover; whether done subconsciously or deliberately (in most cases with no malicious intent). I've been guilty of doing it on a number of occasions I admit. I've observed that a person's profile picture can speak volumes of the kind of lifestyle they practice, their personality, their fashion sense, what their priorities are, if they like to keep active, or their hobbies. A majority of the time I force myself to read a person's bio before swiping to give them the benefit of the doubt. Although it is so easy to quickly go on a swiping frenzy without giving it much thought too. It's also so easy to ghost (or be ghosted) over there! Lol. Again I believe it's not always done on purpose or to hurt the other person, but I guess sometimes people just either; get busy with life and forget to reply. Or simply lose interest or can't be bothered replying. I've learnt that's completely normal on the app, and something you have to expect. Not everyone you meet or talk to on there will become a friend. But when you filter through all the duds and find the ones on the same wavelength as you, it feels great. It's kind of a number game then I guess? (Lol) The more people you filter through and measure compatibility with, the better chances of you finding the real ones huh. I don't know at this point how I feel about that modern way of making friends. I guess I'll find out. To this day, I think I've made at least a handful of new "close" friends through the app. People I've kept in regular contact with since first conversing with them on Bumble, and later keeping in touch via Instagram. There's one friend I made who I

But then you don’t want to have to deal with the aftermath of having swollen, blood shot red eyes later on. Lmao. ‘Cause same

Live update - I’m sitting on my bedroom floor right now and hating myself so much for overthinking about a certain thing to the extent that I am right now. Even though there’s nothing really that proves that what I’m worried about is indeed happening, I can’t help but worry anyway. Maybe my body’s just getting me ready for the worst in case it comes true. Sort of like a defence mechanism?

Someone get me out of my own head ughhhhhhshsgwjvwjw. Honestly the main reason I’m writing here so randomly is ‘cause I’m trying to distract myself from crying. HAHAHAH UGHHHH. THIS IS SO HARD. I FEEL SO VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW. It’s been a while since I’ve felt it to this extent. But then again it’s been a while as well since I’ve wanted something to work out so bad

Navigating through life as a single 25 y/o has been..interesting. Although my love life remains non-existent, I will say I’ve had a few encounters in the past month or so which may be worth revisiting.

So two different guys messaged me over Facebook messenger. One was saying hi, and asked from which local I’m from, saying he saw me in a YouTube video (I think it was the CFO News one) where I was featured in, and then proceeded to send me a screenshot of me talking. I clicked on his profile and the guy looked like he was 14 - or 15 years old at most. He was inc alright, but too young for me. And also seemed too filo. Lol. We weren’t Facebook friends so I just left his message “unseen”.

The second guy messaged me after seeing me at our last online Meet & Greet, around a week after he added me as a friend on Facebook. He proceeds to start a conversation with me by asking me how my sister’s food truck business was going. Which I honestly thought was weird at first, but after talking to some people about it I guess it kind of makes sense since that’s all I post about on my feed. Lmao. I didn’t recognise the guy so I thought he was just some random inc person. He also looks kind of old and already married. He gave off major Dad vibes so I kept saying “po” to him. Loooool. Long story short, he tried to keep the conversation going and quite blatantly hinted that he was interested in me. But the feeling wasn’t mutual. I didn’t know the guy enough, and I didn't feel any attraction towards him from what I could see on his Facebook profile. I know its pretty superficial but you know how you just get a vibe from someone’s social media profile of the kind of person they are? Yeahhh, I really wasn’t feeling it with this guy. I showed his profile to one of my girl friends and they agreed we wouldn’t look good together. She said he’d look like my dad if I stood next to him. Which I found hilariously true.

With lockdown ending and covid restrictions easing, I’d been able to go out and catch up with friends. One of them was a guy friend from high school. Now before I go on about the catch up I should explain how we ended up catching up in the first place. I hadn’t spoken to this guy in years ‘cause we sort of drifted due to differences in lifestyle and new friend groups. Just the normal kind of drifting typical after high school. So anyway sometime last November (if I remember correctly) I was at Glen with a group of friends after we finished donating blood earlier in the day. We were standing outside a boba shop after buying some, when I felt someone staring at me from the distance. I look - and its my guy friend sitting down at a table with his friends outside the restaurant adjacent to us. Just as I caught his gaze, he looks away. Now before I go on even more, I should also mention that me and this guy sort of had a thing in high school..? He may have asked me to be his girlfriend but I may have rejected him saying that I wasn’t ready for a relationship ‘cause “I didn’t feel like I was ready” but that I thought he was a cool guy and all etc. I never told him (or even any of my friends) how I really felt about him, but I actually really liked him too at the time. Buuuuut, I knew we wouldn’t work out for a number of reasons. Which is the real reason why I rejected him. I wanted to save both of us the heartache to be completely honest. So back to the accidental encounter at Glen. I was actually so happy to see him. I walked over to him and his group of friends and said hi to him/them. He stood up, gave me a kiss on the cheek and we hugged. He asked me what I was doing there and I told him it was nice seeing him and went back to my group of friends. Later on that night I messaged him saying it was nice seeing him again and that I hoped all was well. We ended up talking for quite a bit over Facebook messenger after that and before you know it, we had a catch-up planned. So we decided that we would chill in the city for our catch up. My friend insisted that we drive to city, and that he was going to pick me up (mind you I am hella out of his way, on the way to the city). It was a heat wave of a day so I may have worn something backless, but nothing too crazy - a little out of my comfort zone, but very fitting for a Friday night at the city. My hair was curled. He called me saying he’s close by and arrives at my place quite on-time (but at the next door neighbours’ house actually lol so he had to reverse to get to me). I got in his car and we talked the whole time till we got to the city. Just caught up on things that have happened since we last caught up, who from high school we still hang with etc. One thing I did notice about him though, different to how he was from high school, was that this time around he seemed hella cynical/negative about people. Definitely filled with more pride, a little more aggressive than I remembered him to be. We had dinner at Shujinko, which is a popular ramen place in the city. He kept offering to carry my stuff for me, like my bag, my bottle of water. We walked around the city streets just talking about life, our past relationships, our heartbreaks. He told me he hadn’t been that open with anyone in a long time and a lot of the things he was telling me he hadn’t told anyone else. He was quite touchy - playfully squeezing my shoulders here and there. Playfully squeezing the back of my neck and playfully had his arm around my neck (both were a bit concerning ‘cause they weren’t as gentle as I would’ve hoped but I tried to brush it off). We got crepes for dessert which we had while sitting down at one of the benches in front of the State Library. The bench was empty but he was sitting so close to me like there was limited space available. Lmao. We sat there talking more about our past experiences with love. It all felt quite romantic. The way we were sitting so close, the gentle summer night air, the buzz of trams passing by, the quiet murmur of laughter and conversation of the people laying on the grass around us. If you didn't know any better, you’d think we were a couple on a date. We joked about possibly bumping into my ex in the city and how we would react if it happened. We sat on the grass (he laid ‘cause his pants were too tight lmao) in the middle of Federation square, and even walked along the Yarra River. As we were going up the stairs to go back to the main street there were some dodgy looking guys that I felt were sort of creeping up behind me so I walked up really fast. He noticed this and told me to relax and not worry ‘cause he was there. This one really got to me and it felt really nice feeling like I was safe and protected. He paid for all the things we ate and stopped me from paying for anything if I ever tried to pull out my card. He let me pay for the parking though and told me I was lucky he couldn’t be bothered getting out of the car. It was funny ‘cause we were worried the parking place might have closed ‘cause we were in the city that late. But luckily it wasn’t. He also kept telling me he didn’t want me getting in trouble with my parents if it was too late in the night already. I kept insisting it was okay. On the drive home we talked some more and he asked me what I’ve learnt I now want in a guy or my ideal guy now. I joked to him that my parents might still be awake by the time I get home, and he asked me if I wanted to just cruise and drive around for a while. I said no but I appreciated it. When we finally got to my house, I remember feeling a little nervous ‘cause I didn’t know what to expect. He asked me if I had fun/a good night and I said yes. “See you in another 5 years?” We laughed. I was low-key hoping he’d say he would be down to see me again soon, but I knew better not to expect or suggest that. As I look down at my bag looking for my house keys, he comments on my hair and asks if they’re extensions. I told him they were real and let him feel it for himself. Yo when I say there was tension-. I kept my gaze down of course ‘cause I didn’t want to deal with having awkward eye contact with him or anything. I found my keys, said my goodbyes and sent him off home. After that, no goodnight message and the day after, no message again. But two days later, he messaged me again complaining that the bluetooth in his car won’t connect to his phone anymore ever since I used it. Our messaging continued again for a week or so, but then abruptly came to an end after an awkward trash talking sesh (don’t even ask).

Ok I lied. I’m not going to talk about my Japan trip in this post. Instead I’m going to provide an update on what’s been going on in my life for the past 5 months since my last post. Lol. 

Okaaaay. So we ended up having a second wave. Hahah..aha..hah. A very intense and overwhelming one, at that. There was a day I believe when the number of new covid cases reached almost 800? It happened around mid this year. I remember it being a really devastating and disappointing period of everyone’s lives. It would seem like the number of new cases would only get worse everyday. I would be so put off from watching the news or reading about anything related to covid ‘cause it would only make me depressed. 

Today is a notable day to write this post ‘cause today’s the first day, since this second wave started, that VIC reached 0 new cases and 0 new deaths. 4 stages of lockdown (plus an extension) later, we're finally here! Everyone up until this day had been feeling it - despair, restlessness, anger, hopelessness - at this lockdown that seemed would never end. But today we got the news that VIC will be re-opening again (1st stage) this Wednesday (it’s a Monday today), then even more on Nov 8. The glimmer of hope we’ve been waiting for, for literally months now. 

Now for the non-covid related updates. Lol. 

It’s tempting sometimes to overgeneralise 2020 as “the year wasted”. “Nothing happened this year” (besides covid of course). But there have been a few new things I’ve experienced this year which I think would be worth noting. And a few thoughts I’ve been having lately that I really need to deposit somewhere before I forget them. 

Ever since I became single early this year, I’ve received some interesting dm’s via Instagram. One of the first ones was from this guy from Canada, who sent me one of my posts via my DM then proceeded to comment “cute haha *monkey covering it’s mouth emoji*”. I got this message while I was showering, at like 3am, so it was pretty unexpected. This was the beginning of a very strange friendship (?) thing. Long story short, and around a month later, I found out him to be a very strange guy. He was cute, seemed like a catch at first. BUT he gave off major player vibes and also, he was basically 4-5 years younger than me, and didn’t live up to the maturity he claimed to have (emotional maturity mainly). He would make it seem like he was after a relationship with me sometime in the future but also kept implying that he wasn’t necessarily after a relationship right now, and just wanted to “go with the flow”. He was always complimenting me, always wanted to FaceTime everyday, and would sweet talk me with things that were nice to hear. But I couldn’t shake off the feeling that he was bad news and wasn’t really serious about any of this (I even kept telling him I was thinking this). I should mention he was asking for a selfie and wanted to FaceTime from the very first conversation we had (after only exchanging a few messages). We didn’t even know each other yet?? Lmao. After a few weeks of talking to him I eventually caught him in a lie, and yeah. That was one of the biggest red flags. I had a weird feeling about him from the get go, but I guess I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt (and also what threw me off a lot is that he told me that he told his Mum about me - but I’ll never know if that was just a lie too). He also told me that he was going to visit here from Canada in August (it’s October now) and kept going on about how he wanted to spend a whole week out of the two weeks he was going to be here, with me, and how I’m so chill and fun to talk to that we would have so much fun spending time together. Lmaooo. He told me he’s dated a lot of older girls (I’m not sure if this is a fetish of his), but every time I asked him how many exes he’s had, it would always be a different number (which is hella sus ‘cause it seemed like he was lying then). He tried to do some weird sexual stuff as well which I never entertained and pretty much shut him down straight away whenever he tried. Not sure if he was just joking, but it was disturbing nonetheless. I won’t go into detail ‘cause this isn’t the place for it. It eventually got to a point where I was decided on the fact that I couldn’t take this guy seriously and didn’t want to waste both our time so I started replying less/later to his messages, basically friend-zoned him by calling him “man” and “dude”, and teased him about other girls saying that he had potential with them. I think he eventually got the hint ‘cause one day he just stopped texting me “good morning” everyday. Lol. But anyway, yeah that was more or less the main stuff about guy #1. 

Guy #2 was from London and it started with one of my girl friends messaging me and asking me if I was talking to someone at the moment. I said I wasn’t and she proceeded to tell me that one of her boyfriend’s friends found me really pretty and wanted to follow me on Instagram. She then sent me a few photos of him (screenshots from his IG account), asking if I would be interested (I felt like I was on a dating site for a moment lmao). While flattering, I remember thinking this was so bizarre. To be honest with you though the guy wasn’t my type (looks-wise). My friend said he was “a real sweetheart”. Even though he wasn’t my type, I gave it a chance and told her that I don’t mind him following me. We both agreed that the guy and I had nothing to lose, and if anything we’d just become international friends. Lol. So soon enough the guy follows me on IG and then starts a convo via DM. He introduces himself, seemed like a nice/decent guy. Very articulate, and well versed. He would comment on my stories here and there and try to get a conversation going, try to get to know me better and try to share things about himself. I think I recall him saying he thought I lived in Japan ‘cause I had a lot of posts from Japan. Lmao. It would get to the point though where he would write massive paragraphs, but the energy wasn’t called for, and didn’t feel mutual. I think I found it a bit overwhelming and felt like he wanted to take every opportunity to write an essay about his views on everything. There was a particular time I did an IG story post where I was venting about something, and he replied to it with like two long paragraphs worth of his thoughts, and then said he would be there for me even though we didn’t really know each other that well yet etc. Which was really sweet - yes. But also felt too early, premature. It almost felt like he was trying to forge an emotional connection too early on in a relationship which wasn’t even at the friends stage yet. We’d only been talking for like 2 weeks or so. I couldn’t help it, but I think my neutral and short replies gave off a hint, and he commented less and less on my stories. Till eventually he stopped altogether. Lol. Also I think I may have accidentally called him “man”....on purpose. I feel like a horrible person. There was a point early on though that I looked through his IG profile and tried to find things about him that I liked (I basically tried to convince myself that maybe the guy wasn't so bad). But I think that wasn’t successful. And yeah, it was hard to hide that fact for long I think. 

It’s currently 11:12 on the night of the 25th day of May, in the year 2020. As I am typing this, I have a cup of warm peppermint tea in my left hand. My room is quiet, aside from the buzz of Netflix Kdrama playing from the living room TV, and my parents making side remarks or laughing occasionally as they watch. My mind is peaceful, my bed is warm, and my room is the cleanest it has ever been in a while. 

Yes we are still on lockdown from the corona virus pandemic. It has been around 2 months now since it was first implemented, and to be honest it has been quite lonely. Life as we know it will never be the same way again. But on the other side of all the chaos, has been a gradual and unanticipated awakening. A mental clarity that I haven’t experienced before. 

I turned 25 earlier this year. Which is (if I’m lucky) around about 1/4 of my whole life. I’m single again - it’s been a good few years since the last time. Honestly, it’s been great. Being isolated from a romantic relationship and from people in general has helped me get in touch with myself and my self identity again. I have been taking small but consistent steps in taking care of and treating myself (such as buying a silk pillow case, buying new personalised PJ’s, buying a jade roller, buying a scented candle, exercising everyday, eating healthier, snacking less). I spend around 30-40 minutes everyday on my skincare routine and now include my neck and décolletage area. At the age of 25 you really start to notice your wrinkles more and the physical ways you’re starting to age. :c 

I drink peppermint tea almost every night now before going to bed to help curb my cravings and prevent late-night snacking. I am now also obsessed with taking walks around the neighbourhood. I made a weekly routine for me to follow and it has been working out really well. My Dad and I take turns in washing the dishes everyday so when my Mum comes home from work (my Dad and I work from home) the kitchen sink is spotless. 

The lockdown life, along with the minimal to zero disruptions to the day, has really allowed me to establish a routine. It has gotten to the point where I have become so accustomed to the rhythm of my life now, that I don’t know how to feel about going back to the way things were pre-COVID19. But anyway, the restrictions are slowly getting loosened bit by bit. Around 2 weeks ago, they have allowed 5 guests to be invited to houses. A few new covid cases have sprouted here and there but nothing too dramatic which is a relief. Hopefully we won’t have to deal with a major second wave. Today, a few of us went over to my parents’ grocer shop to celebrate a friend’s 21st birthday. It was really nice seeing familiar faces again, I went home tonight with my heart feeling full. 

There were nights, however, when I allowed myself to just feel. Crying over the things in my life that were causing or haven’t properly been grieved over (the recent break-up, my great grandma’s death years ago, everything and anything really). It was a relief to not have to worry about rocking up to work or church the next day with puffy, obvious eyes. I would explode in tears at the most random times. Like while I laid on my yoga mat after a workout listening to rain/piano sounds. I remember crying for the longest times. Until eventually the crying stopped, but the things I did to better myself did not - I became stronger each day not only physically, but mentally. That’s just how it works huh. Sometimes the sadness just needs to be felt and released to make way for better feelings. 

Although it makes me a bit anxious imagining life “resuming” to “normal” again (whatever that will mean), I am excited to be given another chance to live life with a clearer perspective and a sense of solidarity and trust in myself I hadn’t possessed before. Months of being forced to confront my insecurities and deal with all aspects of myself, especially those that have laid dormant or avoided, has led me to now be more confident in my own skin.