Bitter Free

My dear sweet boy,

"There’s a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you. Remember that."

So yesterday I had a phone call. It was a really important assessment and one I wasn’t completely prepared of, though I have been expecting a call the whole time this week. 

Due to my desperate wanting to pass this interview, I fucked it up instead. I said things I didn’t really mean and things that are completely not related to the topic at hand. I felt so ashamed of myself. I couldn’t get over it and I did not expect to pass at all. The interviewer was probably shaking his head the whole time. *facepalm*

After the call, I felt so lost. I was like a floating ghost walking around the house and munching on cookies because I felt so down and needed something to snap me back from my gloominess. 

That phone call was so important to me. I spent months of preparation for that. I spent a lot of money to get an interview like that. But I messed it up. I felt like a complete failure and I wanted to just curl up into a ball and be invisible to everybody else. My chest felt so heavy at the time but I couldn’t cry. I was like a ghoul walking with a gloomy background.

Then I decided to turn to God. I prayed “God, I failed again, please help me. I turn all my worries to you. Don’t let me think about the results and what will happen tomorrow when I tell my parents about it. I feel so disappointed of myself. You know I wanted to pass that but because I was momentarily disoriented, I effed it up instead. Please help me. Amen.” 

As my prayer for myself is not enough, I searched an authentic prayer for my poor little soul. I found a special prayer made by Rev. Robert H Schuller. The title of the prayer is “A prayer when it looks like you have failed.”

Lord, are you trying to tell me something?

For:

Failure doesn't mean I'm a failure. It does mean I haven't yet succeeded.

Failure doesn't mean I have accomplished nothing. It does mean I have learned something.

Failure doesn't mean I have been a fool. It does mean I had enough faith to experiment.

Failure doesn't mean I've been disgraced. It does mean I dared to try.

Failure doesn't mean I don't have it. It does mean I have to do something in a different way.

Failure doesn't mean I am inferior. It does mean I am not perfect.

Failure doesn't mean I've wasted my life. It does mean I have an excuse to start over again.

Failure doesn't mean I should give up. It does mean I must try harder.

Failure doesn't mean I'll never make it. It does mean I need more patience.

Failure doesn't mean you have abandoned me. It does mean you must have a better idea!

Amen.

I felt lighter when I read the prayer. It was like I relieved all my troubles to God. All the negative emotions I had at that time dissipated if not diminished. If I fail, at least I tried. If I fail, there are other applications I could turn to. Having to fail once doesn’t mean the end of my world. There are limitless possibilities in this world.  If ever I fail this test, I would apply again until I get it right and pass. 

Hoping for positive results is what I can think of right now (plus the work that needs to be done today and tomorrow until I get the results from this test).

I am so grateful I have a spiritual power to hold on to. If not, I would be a completely soulless form right now.  I thank God and this prayer for giving another perspective on failure and life.

Today I am renewed.