When you feel like you’ve failed
So yesterday I had a phone call. It was a really important assessment and one I wasn’t completely prepared of, though I have been expecting a call the whole time this week.
Due to my desperate wanting to pass this interview, I fucked it up instead. I said things I didn’t really mean and things that are completely not related to the topic at hand. I felt so ashamed of myself. I couldn’t get over it and I did not expect to pass at all. The interviewer was probably shaking his head the whole time. *facepalm*
After the call, I felt so lost. I was like a floating ghost walking around the house and munching on cookies because I felt so down and needed something to snap me back from my gloominess.
That phone call was so important to me. I spent months of preparation for that. I spent a lot of money to get an interview like that. But I messed it up. I felt like a complete failure and I wanted to just curl up into a ball and be invisible to everybody else. My chest felt so heavy at the time but I couldn’t cry. I was like a ghoul walking with a gloomy background.
Then I decided to turn to God. I prayed “God, I failed again, please help me. I turn all my worries to you. Don’t let me think about the results and what will happen tomorrow when I tell my parents about it. I feel so disappointed of myself. You know I wanted to pass that but because I was momentarily disoriented, I effed it up instead. Please help me. Amen.”
As my prayer for myself is not enough, I searched an authentic prayer for my poor little soul. I found a special prayer made by Rev. Robert H Schuller. The title of the prayer is “A prayer when it looks like you have failed.”
Lord, are you trying to tell me something?
Failure doesn't mean I'm a failure.
It does mean I haven't yet succeeded.
Failure doesn't mean I have accomplished nothing.
It does mean I have learned something.
Failure doesn't mean I have been a fool.
It does mean I had enough faith to experiment.
Failure doesn't mean I've been disgraced.
It does mean I dared to try.
Failure doesn't mean I don't have it.
It does mean I have to do something in a different way.
Failure doesn't mean I am inferior.
It does mean I am not perfect.
Failure doesn't mean I've wasted my life.
It does mean I have an excuse to start over again.
Failure doesn't mean I should give up.
It does mean I must try harder.
Failure doesn't mean I'll never make it.
It does mean I need more patience.
Failure doesn't mean you have abandoned me.
It does mean you must have a better idea!
I felt lighter when I read the prayer. It was like I relieved all my troubles to God. All the negative emotions I had at that time dissipated if not diminished. If I fail, at least I tried. If I fail, there are other applications I could turn to. Having to fail once doesn’t mean the end of my world. There are limitless possibilities in this world. If ever I fail this test, I would apply again until I get it right and pass.
Hoping for positive results is what I can think of right now (plus the work that needs to be done today and tomorrow until I get the results from this test).
I am so grateful I have a spiritual power to hold on to. If not, I would be a completely soulless form right now. I thank God and this prayer for giving another perspective on failure and life.
I thought that I shouldn’t feel so down about it. I answered the questions correctly. I just messed up that one question which led to a series of question that I couldn’t answer properly. But I thought I should be okay.
