Create Meaningful Chaos

can you look back on those who said it first?

Not crazy exes or manipulative stalkers,

but those who are your self proclaimed “most important person”.

Cause I don’t feel most important.

I don’t feel VIP.

I feel invisible

stepped on

crushed.

Like a bug under your own foot.

I didn’t even say I love you

Every time before you’ve pulled through

But I could tell

I could tell this one was different.

I couldn’t say I love you

I couldn’t say anything.

My throat was choked shut

Swollen with emotion and tears

And fears of the hours ahead

I didn’t say I love you

All I could do was reach out with my finger

Tap your nose

Boop

Audibly

The last thing you ever heard me say.

The last thing I ever said to you

Or you leave forever

Because this in between is pushing me away

Your desperation to have him around is sickening

And I don’t want to come home

You have somewhere to go. A second environment

I thought we’d have some time

But only a few hours apart

And the door starts to chime

Why must he be in your pocket

At your every beck and call

It’s ruining what we have

What can I do? Fuck all

You don’t seem to care

You don’t seem to know

What will I do

Not let it show

I’ll be out of sight

Hide myself away

All I can hope is that

Is he your perfect man?

Will you get down on your knees and worship at his altar where no drinks shall pour?

Do you relish the feeling of finding hope and joy

while another anguishes?

Do you think that being around him more will solve all your problems?

Are you happy?

Don’t forget me.

Hearing you whisper while I try to sleep makes me want to rip my stomach out

So quick to give back

Why did it take so long?

Why was it not reverted when you knew I was upset?

When others told you how upset I was

You are not mine.

No pet, child, or ward

But for a while you almost were

But now you are with another.

Surely not belonging to him. But you’ve given him parts of you that I did not have.

Some of them are pieces I would not use

Pieces are ones you willingly gave to me but have ripped off of me to give to another.

I’m left with holes I don’t know how to patch.

Given time my body may try to heal over the wounds. But the voids beneath will remain.

I don’t want to be a vessel of sinkholes

This pit you’ve unintentionally thrown me into.

It’s swallowing me

I fear I won’t have the power to climb out alone this time

You were my ladder

There are those who are content in their loneliness

Because they have others to reach out to when they need it.

Or those who are simply at peace by themselves.

But I’m only alone because of others.

No fault of my own.

Just second best.

I cannot fault those who were taken from me,

But those who remain that cast me aside?

Thrown back like an undesirable catch.

Which is worse than never being caught at all.

To know what the sun is like,

And experience a human hold.

Only to be tossed away,

Disoriented and in pain

Over a flaw unknown to you

Seemingly visible to everyone else.

Perhaps I was hooked in a bad spot?

Maybe I hit the water wrong?

As it lays on my chest

Video paused.

After countless collections and stories of strangers making their parents proud

Of partners surrounding each other in love

In light

But my light is artificial. Fleeting. Shallow.

A phone screen in a dark room

A flashlight with dying batteries;

Flickering.

No sunset or bioluminescence

No lighthouse to guide me ashore

And there’s a cat curled against my side

Purring

Warm

But it’s not enough to fill,

Fill,

Something.

A void

a hole

a crack

💛

❤️

💕

🔥🔥🔥

It’s a snap opened and unresponded

Read

Delivered

…

But the only evidence to the contrary is your claim.

Hollow words bouncing in the chasm between.

I am slowly being written out of your life.

Time we used to spend together. You invite him

Records and conversations between two

Now still two but I am not one.

I’m being replaced

I will not go out kicking and screaming

There’s not enough left in me for that.

Our friendship will die quietly

Work comes first. This is true

But when you’re off it’s like I’m last in line

You either want to hang out with him or other friends you’ve made

Hell, the dog gets a greeting and I’m ignored

Sure I can say it first but it’s nice to be picked

The last time I was first was my birth

1 minute

I seem to be the only common denominator.

Everyone leaves.

Even the deaths count

When I have no one else to lean on.

They are added to the tally.

Replacement

Leaving

Ignored