FUCK THIS SHIT IM A BOY IM A BOY IM A BOY

I'm so tired. I'm so sorry to anyone that follows me this account is pretty miserable. It's got to the point where I'm the worst I've been in ages. I feel so numb and empty like something's been pulled out of my chest and it's left me a shell of myself. I don't know who I am but any way I present myself makes me feel sick. There is no world where I am the person I want to be and I'm not sure I have the energy to try anymore. I don't want to die I really don't want to but it's so hard to keep living like a half-thing. I haven't been eating or sleeping much all I do is fantasise about a world where I'm not myself and every time I come crashing back into my body it's worse. It's all wrong and tainted and there's nothing I can do about it. I just want this all to stop

I just want my fucking dignity. I want my best friend, my beautiful, kind best friend to get to be the woman she is growing into without shame and without harassment. I want to grow old and be a grandfather and have my dad call me his son and tell me he's proud of me when I marry. Why can they not understand that. Why must they strip us of every bit of peace we could ask for. If I have to die a woman I will haunt this island as a man and every politician who killed us with these bills will never know fucking peace

Being trans in the UK is an intolerable humiliation ritual. I'm seriously considering dying in the fucking closet rather than living as someone who cannot fucking piss with everyone else because it is "unpleasant". I'm 18 and I have a bright fucking future ahead of me I have gotten into drama school I am supposed to be an actor but all I can think is that I would rather live in the body of a woman I am not than face the scorn of everyone on this island who sees me as a perverted mutilated mislead little girl. we just want to live. we just want to walk in the street as ourselves without comment. we want to grow old as ourselves. If this government doesn't get a grip they will end up with fucking blood on their hands, mine included

Can everybody live just this once

I just really really wish I was born a boy. I feel like the voice in my head is a girl's and my body is a girl's and I despise it but maybe I have to live with it you know because at the end of the day I only want to be a boy and that's not enough

I want T I want coke I want weed I want God I want sleep I want this all to be done with so I can be free and clear I want to be someone I don't want to ever be known again I want it to be dark and I am so afraid of turning the light off jus let me breathe for a little while somewhere away from here in your arms, and maybe I'll wake up from my rest and smile and you will know I will be ok

I need love I need to be alone I need to be saved but I am lost in the dark and there is no warmth left for me anywhere. I am so so small within myself and the world is too big to hold me without me falling through the cracks

what am I going to tell my mother

Existing sucks it's supposed to be ok I've gotten into my dream school it's looking up I have beaten the fucking odds but I am still so so temporary in myself. I change from day to day I am water and gas and air and I am so so far from home lying in my bed and nothing will become solid not even when I ask nicely. I am a boygirl agender blob thing who wants so bad to be a boy but knows he'll never be one and she's gone but she's all they see and I float somewhere in the middle unknown even to myself. I am only looking for a little hole to call my own

sorry about that one folks learning not to post after my bedtime

getting really into The Batman (2022) recently

sometimes being trans and 18 is having another trans guy ask you out at work and running home bubbling and then not sleeping for 36 hours and listening to a 15 minute song with your transfem friend at midnight in a bus stop and you're laughing about how beautiful the future might be and then you're thinking about the other guy and the way he smiles at you and it's scary but he's so handsome and kind and maybe there's something more there and you remember how much you hated your body and how much you hate it but maybe in this bus stop echoing with some kind of broken glory there is something else for you maybe there's another bus coming sometime or maybe you'll stay here for a while and rest and either way it might be ok