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My daughter asked about my father and why he is not in my life like her dad. I had to explain that my dad was never really in my life and when I did see him he was never like her dad. I had to explain that he is a very cruel man and per our last conversation admitted his intent was to hurt me. I told her that I don’t want to be treated like that so I stay away. She just begged me not to invite him to her sister’s baby shower or to our house. She wish my dad loved me like her dad loves her.

It’s truly annoying how fake people are. Like the pure acting as if nothing exists and stepping over and acting like nothing happens and then being able to do shit boggles my mind. It just makes me feel like if I would have said something it would have gotten a have ass response. I’m over it. It pisses me off immensely though. If you could do shit all along make a conscious effort instead of waiting until the last possible second or expecting everyone else to pick up the slack. I’m truly insulted by the weapon used incompetence of it all.

Some days when I’m irritated, I briefly try to denounce certain behaviors that made me feel extra bitter. Especially when talking about my brother and my father. But those moments of venting about them are becoming less of a thing. The bitterness is starting to go away. The hate the pain, the twinge upon hearing mentions of them. The triggers are becoming less effective. I’m learning how to just walk away and breathe things away.

It’s crazy how much a person tries and the people that they try for still try to make them feel like they have not tried enough. Or that they will never put forth the effort that you have but try to manipulate and criticize your efforts. It’s dehumanizing. The level of inadequate you feel is unmeasurable. Until you find someone that truly loves you. Then you realize the effort you wasted on someone else is appreciated by the person that loves you. I’ve spent years trying to understand and finally realized things are not for me to understand. It is fucked up that people attempt to force you to get over your abuse to keep peace that is true. But I refuse to repeat the cycle and my partner has made the same choice. You hope people change but there is a point where change comes to late and you eventually have to move on. It’s sad that people refuse to compromise or get help before to late actually becomes to late but I have no control over those types of things. I can only protect my peace!

For the most part I’ve mourned the lost of the relationship with my narc father like he died. But a part of me wishes he was actually dead. I don’t even want to think about having to deal with him and his harassment. If he was dead I would know for sure that I don’t have to be harassed.

It use to bother me when people can be friends or be cool with people that they know have done the same if not worse things then me. Years have gone by and others are accepted but I’m not. My mental health never supported. Just friendship or whatever falls off. But I understand I took the time to really feel my pain learn from it evolve. Other people don’t in the same time frame. My success in certain scenarios rubs people the wrong way and either I get insulted or the past held against me. Because evolution was not the part of the plan. I was suppose to remain my broken self so we can identity together and be miserable and common or maintain a reason to get talked about. That’s why I don’t get celebrated by some because they secretly got joy out of my pain and that’s ok. Evolution continues to be my plan.

One thing that I can tack on to the last post is about my living situation. My husband and I split who stayed home with our daughter in comparison to who had the better job at the moment. My father always tried to insult me like my husband is less of a man for choosing to support me and stay home when I did my school or training. But then wanted to validate through him his disrespect for me and to impress upon him to understand why I deserved it. Then my brother who lives in the house we live in now until my mom had to essentially kick him out because he was the true definition of a deadbeat, joined in that type of behavior with my father to invalidate my position in this house after he has been gone for 5+ years and knows nothing of the dynamics of this situation in its current state. He asked me if I owned this space. As of for damn near 30 years he did not adamantly take advantage of myself and my mother. Or as if he owns any property. Basically insisting that I should deal with being abused because he has amnesia and is on the invalidation train.

Both my father and brother recently told me that they need to speak to my husband as opposed to me to (my father) explain why he continues to taunt me and why I deserve the abuse man to man so I would accept it, (my brother) insist that I need to ignore the abuse and understand why he supports my stance. My husband wants absolutely nothing to do with my father. Never like him from day one and could not get on board with what I go through because of him. Supported me but hated the pain he caused while I figured things out. Doesn’t care much for my brother either, but spoke to him and let him know that if I requested to be left alone and not be abused that should be respected. Also explained this is my family not his and he is here to support me and not force me interact with people who cause me harm. It sad the lengths they went to invalidate me to force me to deal with the abuse.

Recently my brother decided to be a flying monkey for my father. He decided to not only make my decision on not wanting to deal with my father completely about him, he also attempted to be just a cruel as my father is. I’m not interested in buying into that cycle with someone else so I cut it off and gray rocked the scenarios. But he seems to forget that he ran away when given the opportunity to go live with my father. That my father told my mom he was to busy smoking weed and chilling and he couldn’t come get him. That he came over one time and beat his ass while me and his best friend at the time hid in my room. Just to name a few instances. That he never celebrated him ever. Now he’s turning into a cruel asshole and has been cut out of his daughters life. Quite pathetic honestly. The worst part I’ve explained a number of times why I don’t want to deal with our father and he said that I need to keep explaining to him until he gets it. So not only has lied about understanding and supporting me In the past as per usual he also feels it’s my obligation to continue to explain a situation that I have explicitly stated causes me pain and turmoil and chose at the moment to be cruel cause he pretty much demanded I continue to relive said situation and explain In detail until he feels he understands or believes my feelings should be respected. No thanks. He deliberately chose to misunderstand me to validate being cruel or forcing my abusers ideology on me.

I’ll never forget the day I got lost. I was supposed to get my hair done at kings plaza. My dad was supposed to drive me to meet his then wife. Halfway there he stoped the car and told me I have to get on the bus because he was late to umpire a game. He gave me change to get on the bus and left me there. He told me to take it to the last stop but didn’t tell me which one to actually get on. New York there’s usually multiple lines to one bus number and each go to different parts of the area you are trying to go to. So following my dad’s directions I got on the first bus I saw with the number line he told me. It did not take me to kings plaza. I was confused at the last stop but the driver said I had to get off. I tried calling my dad. He told me I had to wait he was at a game. I begged him to stay on the phone to come get me but he refused and passed the phone to some lady at the game. I told her multiple times to put my dad back on the phone and he basically blew me off. I called my mom crying and I couldn’t tell her where I was because I didn’t know. I decided to try and find the other bus stop that takes me back and got more lost. I was lost for a long time. The sun went down. I sat down a couple of times to cry. No buses came to any of the stops I found. I didn’t even know what time it was. At one point I was walking and crying and some taxi driver saw me and asked if I was ok. I told him I just wanted to get back to the bus that takes me to kings plaza. I cried the whole time in his back seat. Thankfully he was kind enough just to drive me there. I got out and went to the wrong side of the street he doubled back and told me to switch sides and there was a black lady at the bus stop and he asked her to keep an eye on me. It’s crazy cause at first I just asked him for the time and it was 10 or almost 10. It had been at least 5-6hours. Kings plaza was closed. But the front doors was open to get to the pay phones. So I tried calling my dad again. Him and his wife came to get me and he spazzed on me and told me I should have just waited. I was do crushed he got me lost refused to get me and blamed me for it. He wouldn’t even take me back to my mom right away he brought me to his house so he could gather his thoughts. This situation ended up be another thing he uses to antagonize me saying I’m a cry baby who can’t get over stuff. Oh and according to him I was lost for only 2 hours max. He dropped everything and came right away. Ask anybody else that knows about that situation and he’s lying. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I remember when my dad tried to kill me. I don’t remember exactly what I said to spark a grown man to attempt to choke a 16 year old girl to death but I think it was about how much I hate him or something. So he tried to kill me. My mom had to stop him. Before she realized and came into the room I legit started to pass out. I was ready to die cause I was tired. I think I saw him again after that day and I climbed to the top shelf of my closet and blocked my door with my night stand and other stuff so he wouldn’t try to kill me again. It messed me up so bad along with other emotional stuff I was going through. I tried to commit suicide the next year. I swallowed a bunch pills hoping I would die easy. But my mother found me and I confessed that I swallowed the pills so she took me to the hospital. I went to a facility for 3 days. Till this day when my father gets a chance to throw it in my face he does. He’ll say something like what you going to do swallow a bunch a pills cause you a cry baby who can’t get over shit from 15 years ago and laughs. Yeah, idk why he feels like that’s a proper relationship and that he should still be in my life or my children’s life but idk why people think it’s cool to joke like that. *shrug*