⁽ᵃᵖ⁾ DIRTY VOID

charles’s ailing health still looms in the back of his mind  ;   always has,  perhaps always will,  so long as they’re without a new heart for him.   time will keep on  ticking  until they find one,  if  they ever find one,  and  god,  has he tried  !   he has searched relentlessly for a lead,  has tried to pull so many strings   (  as many as he’s allowed in his position  ),  has exhausted himself trying to find a heart in time for this day.   it just didn’t seem to be in the cards.

perhaps it’s not just that he wants  every  morning to be like this one.   he just doesn’t want  this  one to end.

charles passes kaidan the television remote not long after little eli has passed out,  and he idly flips through channels with one hand,  the other settled upon charles’s lap as he eats.   he settles on the local news,  if that’s not an indicator of how  old  the two of them must be  ;   eli would be bored out of his  mind,  he’s certain.   kaidan,  meanwhile,  doesn’t mind watching the same weather forecast three times.

they talk,  idly  ;   they exchange frequent kisses,  kaidan humming every time charles presses one to his lips.   eli sleeps on,  and kaidan again savors the moment he has with charles,  savors the fact that he can both have charles all to himself while still having their child sleep between the both of them.

that  was  delicious,   my  love   —   not  that  that  surprises  me.   but,   i  assume  you  and  eli  have  something  else  up  your  sleeves  that  will  surprise  me.

there’s a knowing look that shines in kaidan’s eyes,  and he can’t help the smile that pulls at his lips.   “  maybe,  ”   he answers,  with an air of mischief about him.   “  like you said  ---  you’ll just have to wait a few hours to find out.  ”   a beat,  before he grows sheepish.   “  whatever  it is,  i,  ah,  hah  ---  i hope you  like  it.  ”

he can’t imagine charles  not  liking it,  naturally  ------  but kaidan won’t deny that one of the gifts he’s prepared may potentially be a little  imperfect,  needed to be desperately saved by his brother - in - law   (  who will  insist,  if asked for his opinion,  that there’s nothing  ‘ imperfect ’  about kaidan’s finished product  ).

wanna  ...   watch  a  movie  ?   you  can  choose.

“  are you sure you want,  ah,  give me this power  ?  ”   kaidan asks,  teasingly  ;   picks up the remote again,  as charles speaks,  starts diving into streaming services for a decent movie to watch.   “  i could choose to put on that  ---  that  despicable  minions  movie,  a - and per our rules you wouldn’t be able to stop me.  ”

he won’t go that far.   he’s going for  hairspray  instead.

i  love  you,   kaidan,   and  i  couldn’t  think  of  a  better  way  to  spend  my  birthday  than  just  staying  in  bed  with  my  two  favorite  people.

HE  DOESN’T  EXPECT  TO  SEE  IGNIS   sitting  upon  the  sofa  in  his  rented  room  upon  entering,   but  that  doesn’t  mean  he’s  surprised.   he’s chosen to surround himself with people who seem to like to drop by at a moment’s notice  ------  not that he particularly  minds.   now more than ever,  he needs the company every now and again.   now more than ever,  now that kaeden has chosen to embark on this perilous journey with the prince,  and ignis,  and their friends,  he needs that peace of mind,  to know that they’re all  okay.

his door is always open to those that need it most.

i’m  sorry.

he’s quite tired when he steps into his room  ;   he and kaeden help make up some of the  few  members of the glaive who had remained faithful to the king to the very end,  and things have been  hard  since then.   he’s off on his own,  felling magitek troops,  protecting civilians.   he doesn’t often get to see kaeden,  worries for his safety  constantly  ---  because he knows that kaeden will give his life for noctis in an instant,  and he doesn’t  blame  him  !   their duty as kingsglaive aside,  kaidan knows he would do the same for ignis and kaeden both.   but he’s terrified of losing kaeden  ---  and not even  knowing  when it happens.

he enters,  and he hears ignis’s voice before he even has the chance to process his presence  ---  spots him upon the sofa,  two cups of tea set out upon the table,  looking positively  distraught.

“  i - ignis  ?  ”   he shuts the door behind him,  takes long strides to join ignis immediately upon the sofa.   he grabs ignis’s wrists,  takes his hands in his own.   “  what’s the matter,  hijo  ?  ”

i  just  ...   wanted  to  see  you.   gods,   i  can’t  do  this  anymore  !   i’m  losing  control  !

“  h - hey,  hey  ---  ”   he takes a breath.   it  crushes  him to see ignis like this,  will never forgive regis for putting such a burden upon the boy’s shoulders at such a  young  age   (  he was  six  when he was entrusted to noctis’s care  !   no boy ought to have to grow up so fast  ---  not like  him  ).   “  i - it’s  okay,  hijo  ---  take a  deep  breath.   with me,  yes  ?  ”   one,  deep inhale,  slow exhale,  two,  rinse,  repeat,  only lets go of ignis for the briefest moment to settle his hands on his shoulders,  grounding,  firm.

“  look at me,  ignis.   you have done  brilliantly.   and i know his majesty would have agreed.   you can’t hold yourself responsible for everyone anymore.   the prince’s fate,  everyone’s fate  ---  it’s out of your control.   and that’s  okay.   i - i know it’s  scary,  and bigger than anyone could have possibly imagined.   but none of this all rests on your shoulders.   it was never fair to expect otherwise.  ”

it was never fair to expect ignis to carry the burden of caring for a charge only two years younger than he at the age of six.   it was never fair to take his childhood away from him so quickly.   he remembers the day the marilith attacked the prince,  remembers kaeden coming home to him near - death,  face cut up  badly,  remembers ignis,  traumatized,  remembers how the incident completely changed the way he acted.   none of it was fair.

but this time feels different,  and kaidan knows it from the way his stomach twists with a feeling similar to  dread,  or maybe it  is  dread.   he feels tense and he feels  uncomfortable  by the way elizabeth is  giggling  at this man’s humor   (  perhaps because he can’t  remember  a time she giggled at  him  like that,  but then again  he’s  never really been all that  funny,  has he  ?  ),  the way her smile has completely lit up in a way that almost feels  foreign  to him.

so,  yes,  perhaps he  is  moping already by the time benji has offered a hand to him,  although it’s less evident by the almost stoic look on his face and  more  evident by the negative energy that practically is permeating from him.

you’ve  got  a  little  black  raincloud  sitting  over  your  head.

he’s hardly sat down before elizabeth is jumping at the opportunity to fix drinks for everyone,  and he can’t stop thinking about how much he  doesn’t  want to be left alone with this guy.   not because he’s going to say something or do anything to the man,  not so long as he  keeps  his  hands  to  himself,  but because the more this guy  talks,  the more kaidan has the time to obsessively examine every perfect physical feature on his face,  the more kaidan’s just going to feel  self - conscious.

“  aw,  jeez,  all  these  years  and  you’re  still  too  good  to  me.   a  beer’s  fine,   whatever  danny  boy’s  got.  ”

------------  he even has the perfect  voice.   well - spoken,  hardly a stammer in sight,  a smooth tenor,  one that  doesn’t  sound like he’s constantly having to clear his throat.   kaidan can hardly  listen  to him.

liz gets up to fix the drinks,  and  grounds  him the moment she places a hand upon his forearm,  squeezes,  already appears to be apologetic,  like she  knows  already   (  she’s your  wife,  alenko,  why wouldn’t she  ?  ).

will  you  be  joining  us,   my  love  ?   i  can  make  you  a  drink,   as  well.

“  a - ah  ------  ”   he swallows a growing lump in his throat,  he almost feels  embarrassed  by the way his chest seizes on him and his brain immediately zeroes in on  my  love  and thanks god for the reminder that  maybe  he’s being a little silly.

he still needs a moment to breathe.

“  w - why don’t you sit down,  mi  corazón  ?  ”   with  more  emphasis than usual on the pet name.   “  i’ll fix the drinks,  hm  ?   i have to give my brother a  proper  greeting before i - i,  ah,  try to raid his liquor cabinet.  ”

then,  he places the softest kiss upon her temple,  her cheek.

AT  THE  CORE  OF  IT  ALL,   kaidan  is  far  too  good - natured  to  be  too  bothered  by  liz’s  bouts  of  jealousy.   however,  he can only be accused of cheating with one of his best friends so many times before he begins to grow  weary.   

sometimes,  he has to be reminded that she  trusts  him.   sometimes,  he wants to do everything he can to make it clear as day to her that there will  never  be anybody else.

elizabeth sits up to look him in the eye,  to kiss him,  and he sighs,  quietly,  through his nose,  cups his wife’s face in his hands as he listens to her explain herself,  feels a twist of guilt,  sadness,  perhaps  both  in his chest.

sometimes,  more  often,  he has to remind her that she is still one of the most beautiful women he’s ever met,  that he has always been in  awe  of her beauty,  that  she  has to be the one who could do better,  who  deserves  better,  deserves the universe,  because he’s certainly  never  considered himself nearly as handsome or wonderful as she thinks.

“  most  handsome  ?   i don’t know,  ”   he hums,  prepares to attempt a joke.   “  i’m no  ryan  reynolds.  ”   punctuates with another sweet kiss to her lips,  brushes the pad of his thumb across her cheek.   a beat,  a breath.

“  what i  do  know,  is that i remember the day i first met you.   and i  distinctly  remember being absolutely  captivated  by your beauty.   it took me  minutes  to form an actual,  real sentence.   do you remember  ?   i,  ah - hah,  i had thought for  certain  that i’d ruined my chance from the very beginning.  ”   another kiss,  or several,  presses quick,  soft ones to her temple,  cheek,  jaw.

“  a - and that’s never  changed,  you know.   i still look at you a - and i’m just  ——  in  awe.   and so i cannot possibly begin to  imagine  that  anybody  would look at us and think such  —  such  terrible  things.   they simply aren’t true.   there is nothing wrong,  or  unappealing,  about your body.   in fact,  it’s  perfect.   a - and  sexy.  ”

and he lays back,  coaxes her to follow him,  to lay back on top of him,  and he kisses her again,  hands trailing down her body to settle upon her hips.

HIS  ‘ DAD ’  INSTINCTS  KICK  IN  IMMEDIATELY.   kaidan hears his daughter’s shriek and it’s enough to rouse him from his nap upon the living room couch,  and he manages to sit upright by the time kateryna has burst in and thrown herself beside him,  attaching herself to him.

he carefully smooths her hair,  rubs her back,  tries to start to calm her down before he’s had the chance to register  what  has caused this.

“  shh,  it’s okay,  mi cariño,  i’ve got you,  mm  ?   you’re  safe.  ”   he sets her against his chest,  keeps her close,  lets her keep her head buried in his neck,  and it’s only then that he registers jonah’s laughter,  catches him walking into the room out of the corner of his eye.

halloween mask.   knife prop.   smug.   hysterical daughter.

“  jonah  berkeley  alenko,  ”   is hissed out,  only just loud enough so jonah knew  precisely  how much trouble he was going to be in.   because he’s  certainly  not about to get into a loud argument with the boy while kat is still in his arms,  sobbing,  but he’s absolutely going to prime him with a small piece of his mind,  hold him over until kat’s been successfully calmed down.

“  of  all  people  ————  you  really  thought this would go over well  ?  ”   not that he at all wants jonah to start tormenting verity instead  ——  but at least  she  can take it.   a pause,  his attention turns back to kat.   he presses a careful kiss to the top of her head,  keeps rubbing her back.

“  ————  take a  deep  breath,  honey,  it’s okay  ——  it was only jonah,  mm  ?   he was playing a - a  trick.  ”   a  nasty  trick,  a  despicable  trick  ——  he wouldn’t be afraid to go on,  but he’s still got enough sense to  refrain  from saying as much in front of jonah.   he still very much  wants  to.

he lifts his gaze back to jonah,  the most disapproving look he can muster  ——  jonah is  in  for it,  so he’d best not try to disappear out of the house too quickly.   in fact,  the boy might want to call his lawyer   (  his mother  ).

❝   you  can  just  say  “beer”,   you  know.   ❞

—   or,   maybe  he  shouldn’t.   A  nurse  cocks  a  brow  at  him,   and  he  shrinks  into  himself   —   not  out  of  shame,   but  a  defensiveness  toward  his  father.   He  narrows  his  eyes  into  dangerous  slits,   something  that  says  both  mind  your  business  and  try  to  do  something  about  it,   I  dare  you.   A  childish  thought  occurs  to  him,   and  he  speaks  it  into  existence,   eager  to  move  the  conversation  forward.

❝   If  they  help  you,   then  why  doesn’t  Amy  just  drink  the  egg?   Why  put  it  in  a  magic  cup?   ❞

Beneath  that  thought  is  another  thought,   one  that  he  keeps  beneath  his  tongue  until  he’s  reunited  with  his  father  in  person:   

If  they  help  you,   then  why  doesn’t  Dad  drink  them?

I  was  one  quick-change  away  from  arriving  in  a  dress.  

❝   Ugh.   ❞ 

There’s  a  lot  of  disconnect  growing  up  in  a  house  with  a  psychologist  father  with  self-image  issues  and  a  Broadway  actor  father  who  regularly  leaves  the  house  in  full  faces  of  makeup,   but  the  one  thing  he’s  learned  from  it  is  to  never  be  judgmental  of  how  someone  chooses  to  present  themselves. 

Everyone  has  a  story,   his  father  told  him  once.   My  job  is  to  listen  to  them. —   and  Papá’s  job  is  to  tell  them  to  everyone  else? That’s  right.   People  like  to  be  listened  to   —   and,   more  importantly,   people  like  to  see  themselves  being  listened  to.

The  point  is  that  he  wouldn’t  have  cared  if  Kaidan  showed  up  in  a  dress,    but  it  wouldn’t  have  helped  his  “two  dads”  argument  in  a  narrow-minded  hospital  waiting  room.

I’m  just  down  the  street  now,   mijo.   You  do  as  they  say,   hm?   They’re  going  to  take  good  care  of  him.

One  of  the  nurses  sets  a  hand  on  his  shoulder,   keeping  him  seated  while  the  others  throw  open  the  ambulance  doors,   wheel  his  father’s  stretcher  and  all  of  the  equipment  attached  to  him  outside,   through  the  emergency  room’s  automatic  doors.   Elijah  pulls  the  phone  away  from  his  ear  to  mute  the  microphone,   ensuring  that  his  father  won’t  be  able  to  hear  him  as  he  speaks  to  the  lone  nurse  left  with  him.

❝   Is  my  dad  gonna  be  okay?   Tell  me  the  truth.   ❞

The  EMT  looks  sympathetic,   but  he  also  looks  like  he  isn’t  being  paid  enough  to  answer  the  fatalistic  questions  of  a  thirteen-year-old  boy  with  a  terminally  ill  father.   He  glances  along  the  circular  driveway,   as  though  even  if  he  were  to  spot  the  boy’s  other  father,   he’d  recognize  him  enough  to  pass  the  boy  off  before  he’s  forced  to  answer.

❝   Could  he  die?   ❞

The  boy  sounds  small,   far  away,   young,   and  it  occurs  to  the  EMT  that  he  still  has  a  hand  on  the  boy’s  shoulder.   He  gives  it  a  couple  of  good-natured  pats,   angles  his  head  to  look  him  in  the  eye.   (   They’re  big,   dark  brown,   welling  with  tears,   and  he  can’t  tell  if  it’s  homophobia  or  human  nature  that’s  responsible  for  the  flash  of  anger  that  he  feels  at  two  parents  having  a  kid  while  knowing  that  one  of  them  is  sick.   )

In  the  end,   he  just  nods  an  affirmative.

I’m  sorry,   kid.

❝   That’s  it?!   You’re  “sorry”?!   ❞

Come  on.   We  should  go   —

—   but  little  Elijah’s  already  out  of  the  ambulance,   racing  toward  a  lone  figure  in  a  trench  coat  walking  briskly  toward  the  emergency  room  entrance  and  crashing  into  him  with  such  a  force  that  the  man  nearly  topples  over.   He  sobs  into  the  fabric,   arms  cinched  tightly  ‘round  his  father’s  waist   —   and,   if  Kaidan  listens  closely,   he’ll  be  able  to  hear  his  son’s  muffled  plea  of:

❝   I  don’t  want  Dad  to  die.   ❞

CHARLES  MIGHT  KILL  HIM  FOR  HAVING  THIS  CONVERSATION  RIGHT  NOW.   kaidan supposes he doesn’t necessarily have a problem with the subject matter,  but they’ve certainly picked a hell of a time to delve into it.   a distraction is a distraction,  he supposes.

except then they’ve both arrived at the hospital,  and perhaps it’s something better left to be discussed in the waiting room,  where they’ll need distractions  then  far more than before,  distractions from the way that the familiarity of the hospital’s smells and sounds make kaidan  sick.   distractions from the fact that he and little eli could be waiting in there for the  last  time,  that they could just be waiting for the doctor to emerge only to tell them that he’s not going to make it.

he hears total silence on the other end of the line,  without even a trace of ambient noises,  and elijah seems to have muted him.   kaidan finds his parking spot,  pulls in,  turns off the ignition  ------

and when he reminds himself to breathe,  it’s a gasp,  and tear tracks mix with white paint  ------  he scrambles for a napkin,  or  something  that isn’t his hands or his costume to wipe at his face,  pulls down the mirror to try to blend the paint back in,  to make it look a little  less  like he lost his composure so soon.

another deep breath,  and he gets out of the car,  urgently knowing he needs to be with his son,  and as he makes way to the entrance of the emergency room,  he feels another force colliding into him,  and instinct kicks in  ------  he doesn’t need to see the source to know it’s his son,  and he’s immediately wrapping his arms around little elijah.

i  don’t  want  dad  to  die.

and so much for maintaining composure.   he drops to a knee,  holds onto his son tighter,  sniffs and draws in a shuddering breath.   “  i - i know,  m - mijo,  ”   he breathes,  swallows a whimper,  tries so hard to be strong for his son.   “  it’s  okay,  ”  he’s soothingly rubbing the boy’s back,  tries to focus on his own breathing,  and maybe if elijah hears him,  he might follow.

finally,  he pulls back,  just a little,  sets both hands firmly upon the boy’s shoulders   (  hopes that maybe he’s now looking just disheveled enough to look silly  ).   “  w - we have to continue to be  strong  for dad,  hm  ?   he is a  stubborn  man.   i’ve learned to  never  count him out too soon.  ”

he swallows thickly,  gives the two of them another moment to breathe,  to compose themselves,  to let his words sink in.

just  the  two  of  us,   hm?

Verity  understands  that’s  her  cue  to  go  away   —   which  she’s  happy  to  do,   truth  be  told.   She’s  more  than  old  enough  now  to  see  that  her  father  and  her  twin  sister  have  an  impenetrable  bond,   and  she’s  more  than  old  enough  now  to  stop  wondering  if  it  has  anything  to  do  with  the  fact  that  she  looks  nothing  like  him   —   all  blonde  hair  and  blue  eyes,   the  spitting  image  of  her  mother.   (   Maybe  she’s  even  more  than  old  enough  now  to  stop  feeling  like  she  got  the  short  end  of  the  stick  for  inheriting  her  father’s  crippling  migraines  and  nothing  else.   )

Fine.   Have  your  “girl  time”.   I  already  know  all  the  juicy  details,   anyway.

She  flashes  her  sister  a  sly  wink,   pecks  a  kiss  to  her  cheek  and  then  her  father’s,   sneaks  past  both  of  them  toward  the  kitchen  to  steal  a  snack  cake  before  her  father  and  his  fruit  plates  can  protest.

I’ll  be  in  Mommy’s  room  doing  homework!

It’s  only  after  she’s  heard  the  door  close  that  Kateryna  nods,   sets  her  backpack  and  books  down  in  a  corner  of  the  living  room  before  stepping  into  the  kitchen  to  wash  her  hands  and  help  her  father  with  the  cutting.

❝   She’s  pretty,   ❞   Kat  says,   more  in  response  to  his  query  of  What  makes  you  say  that?  than  an  attempt  to  proffer  information.   (   The  implication  is  that  she  isn’t  pretty,   but  she  isn’t  certain  that  she  can  face  her  father’s  protestations  right  now.   )   ❝   Her   —   Her  name’s  Windy.   We’re  lab  partners.   W—Well,   uh,   her  name’s  actually  Windsor,   wh—which  I  think  is  really  pretty!   but,   e—everyone  calls  her  Windy  b—because  she   —   she  looks  like  Wendy  from  Peter  Pan.   ❞ 

(   She  supposes  that  it  isn’t  worth  mentioning  that  their  association  has  earned  her  the  nickname  of  Mr. Smee.   )

❝   We   —   We  had  to   —   dissect  owl  pellets  in  class  today,   and  she  didn’t  want  to  touch  them  because  she  thought  they  were  gross,   e—even  though  we  had  gloves,   but  I  touched  it,   and  she  thought  it  was  cool.   ❞   The  memory  pulls  her  mouth  into  a  rare  smile,   and  there’s  even  a  giggle  in  the  back  of  her  throat.   ❝   Uh,   also,   she   —   ❞   a  pause,   as  she  carries  the  plate  she’d  been  absently  arranging  for  her  father  over  to  the  dining  room  table,   ❝   —   uh,   I  f—fell,   one  day,   in  the  hall.   My  shoe  was  untied,   and  she  helped  me   —   she   —   she  helped  me  get  my  books,   a—and  stuff.   Vee  says  that  she  likes  me,   but  I  think   —   I—I  think  she’s  just  being  nice.   ❞   @bioticiisms   /   from  here!

VEE GRACIOUSLY  LEAVES  THE  ROOM  ------------  with  a  snack  cake,  kaidan  has  most  definitely  noticed,  and  he  resolves  to  check  back  in  on  her  with  a  bowl  of  fruit  after  he’s  done  with  this  conversation.

in the meantime,  kaidan sets a cutting board and knife down for kat to partake,  passes over a couple of apples for her to slice.   he proceeds to cut the tops off of the strawberries.

she’s  pretty,  he hears  ------  and  you’re  not  ?   he wants to fire back with,  but he has the sense that this isn’t where kat wants the conversation to go for the time being.   maybe he holds back because he thinks he knows what her answer will be,  and it breaks his heart.

liz is the most gorgeous woman kaidan’s ever met,  and he’ll maintain that fact regardless of how many years pass them by,  but he also knows that she doesn’t always feel very pretty.   and kaidan’s never thought of himself as particularly handsome.   perhaps kat got that from them,  too.

“  windsor,  ”   he repeats,  lest he loses himself in that spiraling train of thought.   he agrees,  “  that  is  a pretty name.  ”

and the more kat talks,  the more kaidan wants almost desperately for these two to  work  out.   he sees the way his daughter  smiles,  giggles  at the recollection of her science class  ;   he  knows  what that means,  that giggle from the back of her throat,  because kaidan made the same sound when he first met elizabeth.

“  she sounds,  ah,  very  sweet.   and it  was  very nice of her to help you in the hall.  ”   he doesn’t like to think of kat having to scramble to pick up her own books in the packed hallway,  ignored by every other passing student.   and that could very well have never happened,  but kaidan  is  kat’s father.

“  but - but i don’t think you should get your  hopes  up quite yet,  hm  ?   i can tell you  really  like her,  cariño.   a - and i know how  scary  it is to do something about it.  ”   he finishes cutting the strawberries,  scoops them into a larger bowl,  mixes them in with watermelon cubes and blueberries and grapes.

THE  DAY  HAS  FINALLY  ARRIVED.

not the very first day that  any  of his kids have come home with a crush,  or a relationship.   kaidan no longer can count how many girls jonah’s even  claimed  to be dating on his fingers,  and vee’s got a year or two of serious dating experience under her belt.

still,  this is a day that part of kaidan’s been  dreading:   the day that kat comes home with a crush of her own.   he knew it would come upon him,  eventually  ——  but he was trying to enjoy the last moments he had before inevitably having to come to terms with the fact that his little kateryna,  like her siblings,  was growing up.

it let him ignore the fact that he was sporting a full head of gray hair for just a little longer.

and now that the reality of it is setting in  ——  well,  he’s lucky that kat is  behind  him so that he has a brief moment to  compose  himself.

“  w - what makes you say that,  cariño  ?  ”   he finally asks,  after a subtle sniff,  before she can disappear on him,  turning back to face her completely and pressing a welcoming kiss atop her head.   it seems almost like a  given  that her own father would insist that any girl would be  lucky  to date his daughter  ;   that doesn’t stop kaidan from  wanting  to say it.

————  but at the same time,  kaidan is equally  terrified  that kat will get hurt.   he knows,  realistically,  that he can’t  stop  it from ever happening,  not every time.   but,  by god,  he will try.

little  elijah  thinks  that  maybe  his  dad  is  trying  too  hard  to  make  him  sound  like  a  hero.   He’s  lucky  that  it  happened  while  you  were  with  him.   (   Maybe  he’s  just  lucky  that  it  happened  while  Elijah  was  paying  attention.   It’s  scary  to  think  what  might  have  happened  if  he  had  just  gone  to  his  room  instead  of  offering  to  watch  TV  with  his  father.   It’s  scary  to  think  that  he  might  have  been  too  late;   maybe,   he  still  was.   ) 

The  heart  monitor  beeps  slowly,   like  it’s  tired,   and  he  wonders  if  this  way  that  he  can  feel  his  heart  hammering  at  the  base  of  his  throat  is  how  his  father  always  feels.   (   If  so,   no  wonder  he  can  never  breathe.   Elijah  can’t  breathe  now.   )

Dad  will  tell  you  that  himself  when  he  wakes  up.

❝   —   if  he  wakes  up.   ❞

Immediately,   his  heart  twists  with  regret.   He  knows  that  he  shouldn’t  have  said  that  out  loud,   because  now  all  of  the  nurses  are  giving  him  that  disgustingly  sympathetic  look,   and  it  probably  isn’t  going  to  help  Papá  feel  any  better.

❝   Sorry.   ❞

I  am  certain  he  will  be  okay,   and  it  will  be  because  you  were  there,   Eli.

Little  Elijah  pillows  his  cheek  atop  the  stretcher’s  guardrail,   watches  the  rise  and  fall  of  his  father’s  chest.   (   It  isn’t  much,   and  he  really  has  to  look  for  it,   but  it’s  more  than  was  there  a  few  minutes  ago.   Maybe  Papá  has  a  point.   )

❝   Okay.   I  trust  you.   ❞

He  listens  to  Papá’s  story,   and  forgets  for  a  short  while  that  they’re  even  in  an  ambulance  at  all,   that  he  was  ever  fearful  of  his  father  dying   —   giggles,   boyish  and  naive.

❝   Good,   because  eggs  are  gross  to  drink   ———   n—not  that  I’ve  tried  it,   or  anything.   ❞

I’m  afraid  I  didn’t  have  time  to  change.   I’m  going  to  look  very  silly  when  I  get  to  the  hospital.   I  hope  I  don’t  embarrass  you. 

❝   You  always  embarrass  me.   ❞   He  says  it  in  a  shared  good  humor,   squeezes  his  father’s  fingers  just  a  bit  in  camaraderie.   ❝   At  least  if  you  get  lipstick  on  me  again,   you’ll  be  there  to  stop  people  from  asking  where  my  “mom”  is.   ❞   A  beat   —   and  then,   a  quiet  horror.   ❝   You’re  not  dressed  like  a  mom,   are  you?   ❞

Sweetheart?   We  gotta  take  your  dad  inside  now.   Is  your  mom  on  her  way?

The  look  on  his  face  is  priceless.    It’s  a  shame  that  Kaidan  can’t  see  it.

❝   No,   but  my  other  dad  is.   Papá?   Are  you  almost  here?   They’re  gonna  take  him!   ❞

------------  IF  HE  WAKES  UP.

kaidan’s  quiet,  at that.   he knows elijah doesn’t necessarily  mean  it,  but perhaps it’s true that the  both  of them are  thinking  it.   even  if  kaidan’s only  just  assured him that he  did  believe charles would pull through.

he  does  believe it.   wants to,  at least.   but there’s no ignoring that lingering feeling of doubt that  this  is the time that he’s  wrong.

but little elijah is  trusting  that he’s right.   kaidan prays to god that he is.

in the meantime,  though,  it seems that their attempt to   distract  one another is  working.   elijah’s giggles are curative.

good,   because  eggs  are  gross  to  drink  ------------  not  that  i’ve  tried  it,   or  anything.

kaidan chuckles at that.   “  i  have,  and you’re  right,  mijo.   especially when combined with  worcestershire  sauce  ------  and,  ah,  a  variety  of other things.   like tomato juice,  and vinegar,  and salt and pepper.   it’s called a  prairie  oyster,  and it’s supposed to help adults who get  sick  after drinking  adult  drinks.  ”

perhaps later on down the road that will  discourage  eli from drinking too much before he’s  of  age  ------  he oh - so -  fondly  remembers the stunt their son pulled with his glass of wine one of the last times they went out to eat.

you  always  embarrass  me.

“  hah  !   that’s my  job,  isnt it  ?   i was  one  quick - change away from arriving in a dress  ------  but i’m  sparing  you,  today.   don’t worry.  ”   no,  instead he’s wearing a leather trenchcoat that hides suspenders and a bare chest.   much  better.

faintly,  he can hear the nurse speaking to elijah on the other end of the line  ------  and it seems they’ll have to cut their conversation short.

is  your  mom  on  her  way  ?

it  is  a shame he can’t see the look on elijah’s face,  knows  it must be  priceless.   all the same,  he’s feeling rather fortunate that the nurses can’t see the way he  rolls  his eyes at the assumption,  at the fact that he’s  far  too used to it.

IF  HE  WERE  TO  REMOVE  HIS  BLAZER,   she  would  find  a  sticker  over  the  breast  pocket  of  his  deep  purple  button - down  shirt  that  reads   ‘  HELLO,   MY  NAME  IS  KYLE.  ’

kyle:  ceo of  pediatech,  a company specializing in innovative medical technology.   he has a wife,  four children,  a pomeranian,  and they live the most lavish lifestyle one could only  begin  to imagine.

that would,  however,  be  another  front  ——  for his  real  fake name is  detective  ramon  cortez,  and he is a single man working an undercover operation for the  fbi  involving corrupt businessmen at a  convention  taking place in town.

the convention is  tomorrow.   tonight,  it is time for ramon to  unwind.

that’s what kaidan is  trying  to do,  at least,  but elizabeth,  rather,  scarlett,  finally takes her seat beside him,  and he is immediately  awestruck.   flustering,  chest tightening,  forgetting how to  speak  because at the very core of this  ‘ affair, ’  for lack of a better word,  he’s married to the most gorgeous woman in existence,  and he’s as breathless as the day he first met her.

“  a - a - ah - hah,  wow.  ”   burning red from his ears to his neck,  and he’s  completely  forgotten his own name.   all  of them.   “  y - you are  …   absolutely  stunning.  ”

the only reason he’s not  crying  is because that’s not what  ramon  would do  ——  and  certainly  not what  kyle  would do  ——  and he has to maintain  some  semblance of character,  even if he can’t remember ramon  or  kyle by name   (  even if he can’t think to  remove  his blazer to get a quick look at the name tag  ).

do  you  have  a  name,   or  should  i  just  call  you  mine  ?

he needs to recover,  fast.   a quick breath.

“  ————  for  you  ?   i will answer to  anything.  ”

smooth.

little  elijah  is  pressing  moons  into  the  palm  of  his  hand,   picking  at  the  knee  of  his  brand-new  jeans  with  manicured  fingernails.   (   When  you  were  little,   you  used  to  hurt  yourself.   It  just  makes  Papá  feel  better  to  keep  them  short,   hm?   )   The  jeans  are  brand-new  because  Daddy  just  bought  them  for  him  a  couple  of  hours  ago,   after  an  accident  while  playing  outside  left  him  with  a  gaping  hole  in  the  left  knee.

This  was  my  last  good  pair  of  pants! —   then  why  don’t  we  go  get  some  new  ones,   huh? Are  you  sure?   You’ve  been  coughing  a  lot  today. I  could  use  the  exercise   ———   and  the  fresh  air.

❝   It’s  my  fault,   ❞   he  says,   only  because  none  of  the  nurses  seem  to  be  paying  any  attention  to  him.   ❝   I  messed  up  my  pants,   so  we  had  to  go  get  new  ones,   and  then  there  weren’t  any  “old  man”  carts  so  Dad  had  to  walk  a—and   —   ❞

He  whimpers,   small,   furrows  his  brow  at  a  nurse  who  looks  at  him  with  sympathy.

Save  it,   he  thinks.   I  don’t  need  it.   I’m  brave.

I’m  on  my  way  to  the  hospital  now.   Would  you  like  to  stay  on  the  phone  with  me  until  then?

Tentatively,   he  reaches  out,   circles  a  hold  around  two  of  his  father’s  fingers.   There’s  an  IV  in  the  top  of  his  hand,   and  he’s  familiar  enough  with  his  father’s  dialysis  treatments  that  he  knows  not  to  jostle  it  too  much.   (   He  isn’t  sure  if  the  ambulance  nurses  are  going  to  tell  him  that  he’s  not  allowed  to  touch  his  father  like  the  other  ones  do   —   but,   if  they  do,   then  he’s  going  to  tell  them  where  they  can  stick  it.   )

❝   Yeah.   ❞   Another  moment  of  silence   —   and  then,   to  distract  the  both  of  them:   ❝   How  was  your  show?   ❞   @bioticiisms   /   from  here!

ONE  OF  THE  FEW  THINGS  THAT  COULD  POSSIBLY  MAKE  THINGS  WORSE   (  that  kaidan  can  even  stand  to  think  about,   anyway  )   is  that  elijah  thinks  he’s  to  blame.   their poor little eli had to watch his father’s condition worsen,  had to watch him  stop  breathing,  had to follow him into an ambulance and ride to the hospital while paramedics hurry to stabilize him and get him  breathing  again.

kaidan wishes desperately that elijah didn’t have to do this on his own.

“  no,  no,  mijo,  none of this is your fault.   i - i  promise,  ”   he assures his son immediately,  although at the same time,  he’s found himself having to try  harder  not to cry.   “  pants wear and tear  all  the time,  i - it was just  ...   bad  timing,  eh  ?   if anything  ---  he’s  lucky  that it happened while you were with him.  ”

if he’d been by himself  ------

maybe his foot presses on the gas pedal a little more.   he  has  to see his husband.   he  has  to be with his son.

“  a - and dad will tell you that himself when he wakes up,  hm  ?   he’s a  stubborn  man,  even if he hides it well.   if he hadn’t taken you to the store for a new pair of pants,  h - he might have gone  elsewhere  for fresh air,  you know  ?   o - or,  ah,  i think he was planning on attending my  evening  show,  a - and it could have happened  then.   but i am  certain  he will be okay,  and it will be because  you  were there,  eli.  ”

his mascara and eyeliner are starting to run.

how  was  your  show  ?

and he’s grateful for the brief change in conversation.

“  i - it’s going  wonderfully,  mijo.   you know the raw egg trick i told you about  ?   when my costar,  amy,  cracks open an egg into a mug and  drinks  it  ?   e - except the mug has  plexi - glass  shielding half of the mug to keep her from  actually  drinking the egg,  but of course the audience doesn’t know that.   i - it,  hah,  it looked like she downed the entire thing.  ”   in spite of everything,  he sounds fond.   he huffs a laugh.

THIS  ISN’T  SOMETHING  ANY  CHILD  SHOULD  HAVE  TO  FACE,   and  charles  and  kaidan  knew  that  this  could  happen   (  and  kaidan  has  long  since  feared  that  it  would  happen  sooner  than  they’d  like  ).   and kaidan’s heart sinks  immediately  as soon as he steps outside and answers the phone,  as soon as he hears elijah on the other end trying to be  brave,  and kaidan doesn’t need to hear the background noise to know exactly what’s happened.

“  oh,  god,  ”   he breathes,  goes back inside only for his things   (  he doesn’t have  time  to change,  to wipe away this paint and makeup from head to toe,  barely has time to catch the stage manager’s eye and mouth  my  husband  while knowing that they will know precisely what he means  )   before he’s back outside,  dashing to his car.

“  i - it’s going to be  okay,  mijo,  ”   he says in the meantime,  tries to say it as calmly as he can manage,  already feeling tears pricking at his eyes   (  it was  inevitable  ).

“  you did  so  well,  e - exactly as i told you,  ”   he continues,  key in the ignition,  cell phone balanced upon his shoulder as he peels out of the parking lot.

i’m  scared.

he is,  too.   this time,  he’s  terrified.

“  i - i know,  mijo.   i can tell that you’re being  so  brave.   dad is going to be so proud of you.   i  am so proud of you.  ”   he swallows thickly,  sniffs quietly,  still tries to be as  positive  as possible,  doesn’t want to make elijah feel  worse.

you  were  always  sick.

The  room  is  dark,   illuminated  only  by  the  television  screen  displaying  an  old  home  video  of  his  mother  and  an  infant  that  he  knows  is  himself.   The  boy  is  so  colorless  that  he  can’t  be  anything  but  a  ghost   (   why  can’t  he  see  that  he’d  be  better  off  dead?   )   and  drenched  in  sweat,   and  every  breath  is  just  a  hiccup  and  a  whimper  that  his  mother  shushes  away.

Come  to  bed,   Lee.   The  boy  will  be  fine. You  know  he  can’t  sleep  on  his  back,   James.   Somebody  has  to  hold  him.

The  version  of  his  father  in  the  present  scoffs,   takes  another  drag  of  whiskey  straight  from  the  bottle.   Th’  doct’r  told  ‘er  y’  weren’t  gonna  make  ‘t,   he  slurs,   and  a  fifteen-year-old  Charles  can  see  tears  glistening  in  the  old  man’s  eyes.   Should’a  been  you  that  died.

Twenty  years  later,   he  still  hasn’t  died,   but  he  knows  that  he’s  getting  closer.   His  arms  and  legs  are  almost  always  swollen  and  in  pain,   and  he’s  coughed  up  so  much  blood  in  the  past  month  alone  that  he  wonders  how  much  could  possibly  be  left  in  him.

You’re  a  miracle,   Doctor.   How  you’ve  managed  to  live  thirty  years  with  almost  non-functioning  kidneys  is  beyond  me. I  have  a  lot  to  live  for   —   Doctor.

His  back  presses  flush  to  the  wall,   and  it’s  gotten  hard  to  tell  if  the  pins  and  needles  that  crawl  along  his  skin  are  numbness  or  anticipation,   but  he  hums  an  affirmative  to  Kaidan’s  question,   regardless.   (   He  knows  that  a  blowjob  is  just  a  compromise,   is  just  a  way  out  so  that  Charles  doesn’t  have  to  lie  down  and  risk  never  getting  back  up.   )

You’re  a  selfish  prick,   his  father  said  to  him  the  last  time  that  Charles  visited  him  to  loan  him  money.   Wasn’t  enough  to  kill  your  mother.   You’re  gonna  kill  that  fag  of  yours,   too.

I’ll  be  sure  to  let  Kaidan  know  that  you’re  worried  about  him.

He  pushes  his  hips  into  Kaidan’s  hands  teasing  the  button  of  his  pants,   because  he  doesn’t  want  to  think  about  his  father  right  now  any  more  than  Kaidan  wants  to  think  about  mortality.   (   It’s  just  something  that  happens.   )   He’s  trailing  fingertips  along  the  bare  skin  of  Kaidan’s  abdomen  when  Kaidan  holds  his  face  once  more,   and  he  parts  his  mouth  obediently,   expectantly,   for  another  kiss   —   except,   this  time,   something’s  different,   something’s  wrong.   Kaidan  looks  like  he’s  seen  God,   like  He  or  She  or  They  gave  him  every  answer  to  the  universe   (   —   and,   if  Charles  weren’t  literally  standing  with  his  back  against  a  wall,   he’d  probably  look  over  his  shoulder  because  there’s  no  way  that  this  has  anything  to  do  with  him   ———   right?   )

Marry  me.

Maybe  for  anyone  else,   the  way  that  his  heart  stops  would  be  romantic,   but  this  fire  beneath  his  breast  is  all  pain  and  no  passion   —   (   okay,   maybe  a  little  passion   )   —   and  he  knows  that  he  only  has  a  brief  window  of  time  between  the  hiccup  of  blood  that  coats  his  tongue  and  Kaidan’s  panic  to  give  an  answer.

❝   A—Ah,   you’re   ———   sure?   If  this  is  about  what  happened  earlier,   I’m   …   really  okay.   I  promise.   Like  I  said,   it’s  just  something  that  happens.   ❞   He  proffers  a  smile,   and  a  feather’s  brush  of  a  kiss  to  the  corner  of  Kaidan’s  mouth.   ❝   I  don’t  want  you  to  make  a  rash  decision  just  because  you’re  worried  about  me.   ❞

I  don’t  want  you  to  do  something  that  you’ll  regret.   

@bioticiisms   /   from  here!

KAIDAN  KNOWS  HIS  TIMING  IS  LESS  THAN  IMPECCABLE.   he also knows he would be lying if he said there wasn’t even the smallest aspect of this sudden proposal of sorts that was influenced by their recent hospital trip.   but this hospital trip didn’t  give  him the idea.   if it did anything,  it just  kicked  his ass.   

if he waits too long,  the time will pass them too fast.   and  that  is what he’ll regret.

he hasn’t regretted a single moment spent with charles,  and he’s not about to start now.

“  i’m  always  worried about you,  ”   he answers,  manages out a huffed laugh,  presses a soft kiss of his own to charles’ lips.   “  but i  know  you’re okay.  ”

for now.   if there’s  anything  that comforts him,  it’s that he’s been to the hospital with charles so many times that his doctor  knows  kaidan by now.   if something were seriously wrong,  if his condition was worsening  ---  alarmingly  so,  at least  ---  anybody would know.   but if the doctor  suspected  that there might be something amiss,  kaidan would know immediately.

he just worries about  when  that inevitable hospital trip will come.

“  i - i know i’ve made it  seem  sudden,  h - hah.   but,  i,  ah,  this isn’t the first time i’ve thought of it  ------  i - i planned on  ...   on buying a  ring  before i actually asked.  ”   he purses his lips together,  forms his next line of thought,  reaches for the man’s hands,  gives them both a firm squeeze.

“  and i mean,  yes,  i’m,  ah,  expediting  the process a little  ---  because of what happened earlier  ---  but - but that doesn’t change how i’ve  always  felt about you,  my love.   y - you are the most  ...   incredible,  compassionate,  interesting person i’ve ever met  !   a - and,  hah,  i act in  manhattan.  ”   and,  sometimes,  across the  globe.   kaidan has met nearly  too  many  people.   and there’s  nobody  quite like charles katsaros.

THE  FIRST  TIME  CHARLES  WAS  RUSHED  TO  THE  HOSPITAL   while  they  were  dating,   kaidan  was,   understandably,   freaked  out.   after a couple of months,  he settled,  as much as he  could  at any rate.

it’s  just  something  that  happens.

it’s what he tries to tell himself,  too.   but when one has been to the hospital as many times as kaidan has,  eventually that fear comes back.   because they’ve been to the hospital countless times,  now,  and charles has  walked  out.   but kaidan knows that one of these days,  he won’t be able to,  and he’s terrified that eventually this luck,  or whatever this is that has kept charles well enough for so long,  has to run out.

and this isn’t exactly the best thought to have with his boyfriend’s hand groping his dick.

and so kaidan’s desperate to  forget  about it,  at least for now,  at least while charles is well enough  now,  while charles has his mouth on his neck and is squeezing him again  ------  and so kaidan allows a whimper,  one that  hopefully  sounds  wanting,  takes charles’ face between his hands and lifts his head to catch his lips in a heated kiss,  tongue passing teeth,  hands letting go of his jaw to roam to his chest,  downward,  to the hem of his shirt,  to the button of his pants.

“  is my mouth on your  cock  exciting to you,  guapo  ?  ”

he eases charles back up against the bedroom wall,  has pulled away just enough to make sure he’s not backing him up into the corner of a piece of furniture.   and he ought to be  used  to the smell of sanitizer and linoleum,  but kaidan’s still finding that it’s making it awful hard to  forget,  and he’s starting to feel breathless   (  from  kissing  him,  from the way his pants are starting to feel too tight  ),  and this time it’s making him  dizzy.

it’s  just  something  that  happens.

until it turns into something that just  doesn’t,  that just  shouldn’t.

one of these days,  charles’ heart rate will be too much to handle,  and kaidan’s going to be the one to put him in the hospital.   one of these days,  they’re going to go in there and charles is going to stay there.

and this is the moment kaidan considers,  realizes  the two of them  might  not grow old together.

and the way that kaidan’s hands return to charles’ face,  cupping his cheeks,  gentle brushstrokes with the pads of his thumbs,  is  immediate.

and this might  sound  impulsive,  but charles has to know that this is not something kaidan would  ever  say if he didn’t  mean  it,  if it wasn’t something he hadn’t spent far too long  thinking  about,  if there weren’t pages of a notebook somewhere that said  charles  alenko  and  kaidan  katsaros.

elizabeth  isn’t  sure  if  she  believes  in  “love  at  first  sight”   —   or  love  at  all,   for  that  matter   —   but  she  is  sure  that  this  is  the  most  beautiful  man  that  she’s  ever  seen   (   if  not  the  most  beautiful  man  in  the  entire  world,   Ryan  Reynolds  be  damned   )   and  she  wouldn’t  be  able  to  live  with  herself  if  she  didn’t  at  least  try.

He  isn’t  with  a  woman. Y’know,   sis,   some  men  are  attracted  to  men. Men  who  look  exactly  like  themselves?   He  isn’t  wearing  a  ring,   either. Y’know,   sis   ——— Shut  up,   Daniel.   You’re  more  than  welcome  to  stay  here  if  you  wish   —   in  fact,   I’d  prefer  it  if  you  did.   I  can’t  have  that  ghastly  coat  of  yours  assaulting  his  eyes  before  he  gets  a  good  look  at  me.

Abandoning  her  brother  was  more  than  worth  it  for  the  way  that  this  man’s  jaw  hangs  open  at  the  sight  of  her,   for  the  way  that  he  laughs  high  in  his  throat   —   charmed,   and  just  the  slightest  bit  put  off.   In  the  interim  of  silence  before  his  response,   she  pinches  a  dust  bunny  clinging  to  the  lapel  of  his  blazer,   smooths  the  area  down.   (   She’s  a  few  years  younger  than  her  brother,   and  yet  she  can  still  hear  his  voice  in  her  head  bemoaning  something  about  “straight  nonsense”.   It  would  seem  that  twin  telepathy  isn’t  restricted  to  twins.   She  presses  on.   )

You’re  on  the  right  track!

❝   Do  you  hear  that,   Daniel?   We’re  on  the  right  track.   ❞

Another  glance  over  her  shoulder,   just  in  time  to  see  Danny’s  chest  rise  and  fall  with  a  heavy  sigh.

My  brother  and  I  actually  have  reservations  there,   too.   We  can  go  together.

The  victory  tastes  sweet  on  her  tongue.

❝   Oh,   we  would  be  delighted  to  accompany  you.   My  brother  is  hopeless  with  direction.   ❞

She  can’t  help  the  wry  smile  that  dimples  her  cheeks.    Danny  is  going  to  kill  her  before  the  night  is  through.

The  man  introduces  himself  as  Kaidan,   and  she  thinks  that  it’s  the  most  remarkable  name  she’s  ever  heard.   (   Maybe  in  another  universe,   she  pretends  that  she’s  misheard,   just  so  he’ll  say  it  again.   )   Politely,   she  looks  toward  his  brother   —   Raph,   short  for  Raphael,   she  assumes   —   and  the  first  thing  that  she  thinks  is  that  this  man  is  dangerous.   His  jaw  is  sternly  set,   and  his  eyes  glint  darkly  in  the  night.   (   She’s  hardly  one  to  accuse  someone  of  appearing  “dangerous”,   however.   People  think  the  same  of  Danny  all  the  time.   )

❝   A  pleasure  to  meet  you  both.   My  name  is  Elizabeth,   and  my  brother  hiding  in  the  shadows  over  there  is  Daniel   ———   although  I  should  warn  you  that  he’ll  be  quite  cross  if  you  refer  to  him  as  anything  other  than  “Danny”.   I’m  the  only  person  who  calls  him  by  his  full  name.   ❞   Another  glance  toward  Raphael,   and  a  sly  wink.   ❝   Being  the  “baby”  does  have  its  advantages,   hm?   ❞

Bolder  still,   she  links  her  arm  with  Kaidan’s  own.    If  the  two  of  them  are  going  to  accompany  each  other,   then  they  might  as  well  be  proper  about  it.

❝   Now,   I  presume  the  two  of  you  aren’t  from  around  here?   I  couldn’t  help  but  notice  that  you  pronounce  your  R’s  very  succinctly.   ❞   @bioticiisms   /   from  here!

KAIDAN  ISN’T  CERTAIN  IF  THIS  IS  SOME  SORT  OF  FATE,   or  luck,   or  a  single  chance  encounter,  an  evening  of  magic  where  at  the stroke  of  midnight  everything  will  turn  back  to  rags  and  pumpkins  and  not  even  a  shoe  will  be  left  behind   (  and  maybe  he’s  being  a  little  dramatic,   here  ).

what he  does  know is that he’s about to have a delightful and gorgeous woman on his arm,  and her intimidating older brother hasn’t threatened him yet,  and  his  own brother hasn’t protested his impulsive decision,  and this is one of those moments that could potentially be life - changing if he gave it the chance.   and maybe it  won’t  be,  but a famous hockey player once said that you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take,  and it happens to be a convenient ideology to follow at this given moment.

“  elizabeth,  ”   he echoes,  like it’s the sweetest sound he’s ever heard,  and he has to remind himself to keep talking,  to recover,  before everyone finds out just how lovestruck he  really  is   (  as if he hasn’t already made that readily apparent  ).   “  a - and  danny.   it’s a,  ah,  a pleasure to meet the two of you,  as well,  a - hah.  ”

and she takes his arm,  and he keeps her close,  and he’s started forward again without further ado.   out of the corner of his eye he can see danny offer an arm of his own for raph,  but misses the coy look in the man’s eye,  instead hears,  “  my  good  sah.  ”

he and his twin brother aren’t from around here,  indeed,  but he suspects now that danny  is,  suspects that there is a  reason  why he looks so disgruntled to be accused of being  lost   (  but then again,  pride could be just as likely.   he just doesn’t know the kind of people either of these siblings are,  yet  ).

the fact of the matter is that elizabeth knows  precisely  what she wants,  and that makes her all the more  attractive  to him.

“  hah,  you’re right.   we,  ah,  we were born and raised in  vancouver.   i,  ah,  i noticed that  you  pronounce them pretty  succinctly  as well,  but  ------  ”

he hears,  ever so faintly,  danny’s voice from behind them,  trying to make conversation with his little brother:   can  ya  believe  th’  two  ‘f  us  jus’  became   thuhd - wheeluhs  ?

IF  KAIDAN  NEVER  BELIEVED  IN  LOVE  AT  FIRST  SIGHT  BEFORE,   he’s  a  believer  now.   and he’s grateful that he’s standing  in  front  of his brother,  so that he can’t see how his mouth has begun to hang open  ever  so  slightly  in awe of the woman grabbing his attention.

unfortunately for him,  raph  will  be able to hear the way his breath catches and then there’s the  nervous,  high tittering of a laugh that bubbles past his lips.   nerves.   the last thing he wants is to make a horrid first impression,  and it’s risky to assume she’ll be endeared by the way that he  knows  he’s going to stumble on every word and figuratively fall flat on his ass.

she points out her brother,  and kaidan becomes aware of him for the first time  ——  incredibly  terrifying  for someone a hot second away from   (  attempting to  )   flirt with the man’s sister  ;   even beneath a nice dress pant and blazer   (  covered only by a bright pastel blue and pink windbreaker,  perhaps the least intimidating thing about him  )   he can see massive arms and tattoos from his hands to where they disappear beneath rolled up sleeves,  several rings wrapping several fingers,  pierced ears,  septum,  and he’s got just an inch or two on himself and his twin brother.

the worst part is that he doesn’t seem particularly  thrilled  to be stopped and asking for directions  ——  there’s an  eyeroll  the instant the woman speaks the   (  alleged  )   fact that they are lost into existence,  seems to want to speak but is only  just  restraining himself.

kaidan clears his throat.   if this is her making a move,  he is about to willingly become putty in her hands,  with or without his own brother’s approval.

“  w - well,  a - hah,  you’re on the right track  !  ”   it’s only a straight shot,  five minute walk along massachusetts avenue  ——  he can  assume  they’ve come from harvard,  and something tells him that the woman’s brother has an inkling at least of as much,  because he’s withholding a disgruntled grumble.

he can’t help but nudge raph.   the brother is  perfect  for him.

“  my,  ah,  my brother and i actually,  ah,  have reservations there,  too.   w - we can go together,  mm  ?   you can - you can tell me  more  about yourself along the way.  ”

he can  feel  his brother’s judgment from behind.   kaidan’s all too familiar with that aura.

YOU  SEEM  LIKE  YOU  DON’T  LIKE  ME  MUCH.

at that,  kaidan has to laugh,  and there’s a note of  surprise.   he thinks he could say the  same  thing  about the commander.   he puts his people - watching on hold to turn his full attention to the man,  with a lifted eyebrow,  the barest hint of amusement pulling one corner of his lips.

“  h - hah,  and here i was,  thinking how  you  didn’t seem to like  me  much,  commander.  ”   there are two obvious reasons why anyone would find  headache  a suitable nickname for him.   the first,  his migraines  ——  and that’s information that kaidan prefers not to talk about.

if his headaches don’t prevent him from getting the job done  ——  and they  don’t  ——  then there’s no reason to bring them up.

the second,  he might not be called headache unless  he  was the headache  ——  to the commander,  or to anyone else.   (  if someone asked him to list his biggest flaws,  being  annoying  wouldn’t be among them  ;   but if someone else accused him of it,  maybe it wouldn’t surprise him.  )

“  i - i’m not interesting in trying to hold  anything  against you,  commander.   and i  don’t  have any problems with you.   i’m just here to do my job.   and i’ll speak up if it ever gets to the point where i  can’t.  ”

he’d like to  think,  anyway.   but maybe kaidan tries to have a higher tolerance for things than he actually does,  or should.

this is the core of it,  though:   if kaidan  does  have any problems,  it’s with the fact that he can’t stop  looking  at the man.   he can’t hold that against shepard,  but he sure would like to.