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@biirdisms-blog
PANIISMS
[text]: why must you torture me like this ??
[text]: i hope it’s not expensive, i might rip it off.
––– text: it is expensive, bc i wanted it to last and to look best for u
––– text: and u will make sure it lasts for a good long while
––– text: bc otherwise, u lose the privilege of taking it off
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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for those of you who don’t know me: today is a really awful day for me. it’s just hard. this was the best christmas i’ve had in a very long time, but all the same, it’s hard. four years ago today, during the early hours of the morning, my three cousins and two grandparents died in a housefire in connecticut. the pain is never going away.
special thanks to @taylorswift​ for writing this beautiful song, written for ronan and his mother after ronan died of cancer. whenever i miss my cousins–––lily, sarah, and grace badger–––i sit down and i play this. and i cry. a lot. and i wonder what they would have been for halloween. and i wonder what they would be doing. i wonder who they would be. this song vocalizes the way it feels to know a dead child. it’s one of the most special and important songs in my life.
a fund was started in their name: the lily sarah grace fund (LSGF). this fund encourages learning through the arts to students in underfunded schools. lily, sarah, and grace all had dyslexia, and so did their father, matthew badger. please, if you can, donate money to LSGF in order to continue education in unique ways that benefit students and allow them to show artistic expression.
merry christmas.
"I'm going to make you tremble."
      there’s TWO VERSIONS of isaac when he’s drunk –––––– it almost makes things easier, considering how when he’s sober there’s even more versions, versions upon versions, never-ending. always some new self she’s found in him.  this version he’s slipped in from the other ; he had knocked on her door and when she’d opened it, CHRIST, what a vision.  a lazy, goofy smile ; leaning in the doorway, leaning down to her ; eyes –––––– for the first time in a long time –––––– looking at her with A KIND OF LOVING alissa had nearly forgotten.  she had pulled him in and shut the door and started her lecture  (  ❛ isaac, you can’t come home like this ❜  )  before he’d wrapped around her.  he’d done that thing he knew she loved ; put his head into her neck and breathed hot.  and that whisper: I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU TREMBLE.  ( alissa kept in a laugh because couldn’t he tell she already was ? )  he’s on that line between the two halves of drunk isaac king : there’s something there of LOVING still, but something else of AGGRESSION.  she hums, turning around, pulling him close and kissing his jaw.  ❛ mmm, really then ? do you PROMISE ? ❜
"Stop me if you hate me so much."
      alissa looks up at him with eyes swimming with EXHAUSTION ;  it is so hard to fight like this after so long ––––– five minute fights are one thing, but fights like this, the long ones, those are what hurt.  those are what really KEEP HER UP AT NIGHT, what keeps her staring at her phone over and over until he texts back, what keeps her staring at him when he isn’t looking.  ❛ isaac, don’t. ❜  alissa tries to take his hand, holding it for a moment.  maybe a truce, her fingers tell his.  a truce for tonight.  ❛ just because i want to STOP you doesn’t mean i HATE you && come on, you know that.  come here, isaac c’mere. ❜  she pulls him close as gently as she can and brings their hands to her lips, placing a small kiss there, eyes pleading up at him.  she places her other hand on theirs and sighs, looking down at entwined hands.  ❛ i don’t want to fight anymore.  don’t make me fight you anymore. PLEASE, isaac. ❜
Name one thing you really enjoy about how I portray my character.
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STARTER CALL !
now that all my mess is in order, i can finally and happily ask that you PLEASE LIKE FOR A STARTER ! the FIRST FIVE to like will receive starters.  thank you all so much for your continued patience !
hey lil mama lemme whisper in ya ear
Send one of these to my muse and they'll react to having it whispered in their ear. It's a mix of fluff, angst, and nsfw.
"I'm going to kill you."
"You're mine, and mine alone."
"No one's gonna harm you."
"Stay away from me."
"Watch your back."
"Kiss me or kill me, the choice is yours."
"I'm going to make you tremble."
"I love you."
"I hate you."
"By the time I'm done with you the whole block is going to know my name."
"What's that? Cat got your tongue?"
"If you don't leave right now I'm going to kick your ass."
"I want you, now."
"I need you."
"You can't touch me."
"Promise me you'll be gentle."
"You don't make the demands here."
"Stop me if you hate me so much."
"I'm going to tear you inside out."
"Say my name."
"Stay with me, please."
"Don't leave."
"You're the best thing I have."
"Please don't hate me."
"You're all I have left."
"Say that you love me, please I need to hear it."
"Just leave I don't need you."
"Hope is a lie."
"I want to have your babies."
"I want you to have my babies."
â—• (alissa/carter)
       they only invited a handful of people: GEORGE & MARY DAY ( they sit beside each other in the second row, george crying as quiet as he can, mary grinning with tears in her eyes. ), NATE & GARY ( alissa has already decided that gary will be the one to catch the bouquet and there is nothing that will stand in the way of that ), THE TWINS ( both behind carter ), and DYLAN ( who stands behind alissa and alongside gary, both deemed by alissa as her men of honor. )  the ceremony is small ; it is everything they wanted it to be.  alissa picked baby’s breath and carter dressed in a suit and she is looking up at him, BEAMING up at him.
        ❛ –––––– alright. ❜ alissa grins as she takes a deep breath and unfolds the small piece of paper gary hands to her.  with the one hand, she holds the paper ; with the other, she holds carter’s.  ❛ the day i met you properly was as forgettable as all the days i met you un-properly, and i’m sorry for that.  but i’m not terribly sorry, because it means my first memories with you were all STOLEN GLANCES and heart flutters and the first day i really met you was a day on which i’d already met you, and you were walking with me back to my house, and i looked up at you as you walked.  and that STERNNESS that you put on when you’re thinking about something you want to change.  that’s the face you were wearing.  and i watched you for a moment and i realized THAT IS THE BOY I LOVE.  that is the boy i love.  that is the boy i’m going to love for so long that we’ll have great grandchildren and i will be buried in the ground and i will be loving him.  that was the first time i really knew you when i looked at you.  it was as if ––– for a moment ––– i could know EVERYTHING about you and i could hear every thought you’d ever had.  and i knew.  ❜ it has taken her this long to realize that she has not spent a single moment looking at her paper.  she passes it back to dylan, and the tears of happiness in his eyes nearly make her own eyes itch.  ❛ not kissing you is so hard right now, ❜  she mumbles, and her cheeks flush with IMPATIENCE and LONGING.
       both of his hands in both of hers now and there is no one else in the room and the room is filled with air and that air is sweet with nothing and for a moment looking at carter is everything and for a moment, alissa newbury day wanted nothing else.  ❛ as for me, I’M THE GIRL WHO LOVES YOU.  and i am the girl who is going to be with you when you don’t want anyone and i am the girl who is going to be with you when you want her.  and there is nothing that will change that.  and it’s very EMBARRASSING to say this in front of everyone but because i am the girl who loves you, i’ll do it. ❜  alissa grins.  ❛ carter conary, you are the boy i love, and when we are old together, i will still see in you the boy i love, and i want you to see in me the girl who loves you, and in fifty years, we will sit together on our porch and watch the sun set like we will have done for SEVENTY YEARS, and there is not a thing in this life i have been more certain of. ❜
       alissa blushes as she puts a ring on his left ring finger.  she smiles.  ❛ –––––– now you. ❜
🔪
      wendy lets out a MANGLED GASP, something between a squeal and an inhale.  she manages to get out a weak and frail whisper of  ❛ peter. ❜  she puts bony fingers around his wrist as gently as she can and she is begging.  can’t he see her begging ?  ❛ don’t do this, ❜  she chokes and she is struggling to breathe and her heart is BEATING FASTER than a rabbit’s.  ❛ peter, please, i’m sorry, please. ❜ there are tears in her eyes and there is sorrow in her voice and in her hands.  doesn’t he notice ?  ❛ anything, ❜  she whispers.  ❛ peter, listen to me, listen, listen to me PLEASE, i’ll do anything, i’m sorry. ❜ her voice is a mess of fear and hurt and anguish, and not now but later she will hate herself for the weakness she has displayed.  but for now, she’s desperate, and she has a right to be.  ❛ I AM SO SORRY, peter, please.  i’m so sorry. ❜
Send me 🔪 for my muse’s reaction to yours shoving them against a wall and pressing a knife to their throat
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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“Are you crying?”
      ❛ –––––– no. ❜  wendy tries fast to wipe the tears from her ROSY CHEEKS, but she supposes it is no matter.  he must already know, surely.  wendy wonders if the smugness she swears she can hear in his voice is real or IMAGINED.  the image of her brothers’ faces comes to her again, and she gives a shiver, and her chest grows heavy.  she has cried many times on this island, and this is not the first time he has caught her.  wendy looks up at him with red, puffy eyes and a tight-lipped expression.  ❛ if i were, ❜ she mutters, voice pushed through tight jaw and broken heart,  ❛ it would bring you great joy, would it not ? ❜ Â
âť› take a break. âťś
      she readjusts her seating, takes the hand out of her hair, blinks.  alissa has spent hours staring at the papers on her desk, trying to make everything work.  the deadline for her manuscript feels like it has its own hands, hands WRAPPED AROUND HER NECK and squeezing tight.  the eyes she looks up at him with have circles under them.  his face is in her hair and she feels his breath on the back of her head.  she closes her eyes and leans into his touch and she’s trying so hard not to CRY OUT.  she turns around, brings him into her, a hug tight and DESPERATE.  ❛ let’s go to bed, ❜ she sighs into his shoulder, a shudder following the words.  ❛ carry me ? ❜
Basic Angst Starters
because sometimes what’s left to the imagination is much more terrifying.
“Are you feeling alright? You don’t look it.” “I just heard something… Something bad…” “Why didn’t you tell me about this?!” “What’s all this blood?!” “Will you tell me what the fuck is going on?” “Don’t give me that look! It wasn’t my fault!” “You should probably sit down for this.” “Please tell me you forgive me!” “I can’t live without you!” “Oh god, It was a mistake coming here… I’m sure of it.” “What the hell happened to you?!” “Where have you been?! I’ve been waiting for hours!” “You promised you wouldn’t do this anymore!” “I knew not to trust you!” “What’s that in your bag…? Is that–? Tell me it’s not!” “Is this what a dislocated shoulder feels like?!” “How could you do this to me?!” “Wake up! Wake up!!! You’re having a nightmare!” “I feel weird… what was in that drink…?” “I don’t want to leave you, but you’re not really giving me another option.” “Please… you’re scaring me…” “Ssh, I heard something again. How aren’t you hearing it? It was loud… and getting closer.” “Are you okay in there? You’ve been so quiet.” “I came as soon as I could! Did he/she get to you already?” “I don’t know whether I want to do this. I don’t know whether I CAN do this.” “Do you remember anything?” “You have to tell me who did this to you!” “No, no, I’m not alright. I’m definitely not alright.” “What’s your fucking problem?!” “Are you crying?” “You’re freaking me out! Please calm down!” “I’m leaving. And I’m not intending to come back.” “You… are dying?” “Did you drink the whole bottle while tripping? Seriously?” “Do you have a deathwish or something? Jesus!” “Ever been held at gunpoint? Want to know what it feels like?” “Stop screaming! Shh, calm down! You have to keep quiet!” “When’s the last time you slept?”.
❛ they’ll tell the story of tonight. ❜
      ❛ carter, dearest –––– ❜ she shakes her head.  she looks at him, their eyes THE SAME STARRY kind of eyes, and kisses his forehead with a smile.  she pulls back and looks at him, a hand on each of his cheeks, a grin across her face.   ❛ I’M going to tell the story of tonight.  over and over and over. ❜ alissa kisses him sweet, and she can hear what makes this night special ringing in her ears: I LOVE YOU.  alissa had been so sure that she’d be the one to say it first, but no –––– it’d been carter, and it’d been quiet, and it’d been PERFECT, and her first response had been to kiss him until she couldn’t anymore, until there were laughter and tears and finally she realized she hadn’t said it, and so she said until he reminded her that this is another PART OF THEIR STORY.  she thinks a million things –––– i love you && i want to marry you && i want to show you how much i love you && i get why i want your babies is a phrase –––– but.  ❛ stay the night. ❜
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
i'll make the word safe and sound for you. -biirdisms
just you wait.
            he should tell her that she can’t.  he should say he’d like to indulge her in that sort of fantasy,  but there will always be  something else  …  ——  and yet,  he can’t find the strength to.  can’t he just let himself live in that fantasy for a while longer?  would it really be so hard to believe her?  his face is buried in her hair.  (  it’s dried awkwardly from the rain but the familiar scent is comforting all the same.  )  he feels like he’s been clinging to her for forever and he isn’t exactly wrong.  the painkillers have very much kicked in,  but that didn’t take away the fear.  the fear that he’s too weak to make sure it doesn’t happen to them.  alissa had sworn to look out for them,  as she always did,  but the idea still hung over him.   he remains silent, tightening his grip around her.  he says the only thing that feels  right.
                                         ❛ i love you. ❜
❛ tomorrow there’ll be more of us. ❜
      gwendolyn hears a voice and looks to find it.  one of the REVOLUTIONARIES she’s heard so much about, surely –––– she wonders which one this might be.  her friends have all but abandoned her to entertain other men with hearts ABLAZE with the flame of revolution, and she has been standing towards the side, more curious to observe them all than to interact with any one of them in particular.  ( but when the revolution COMES TO YOU, are you to turn away ?  gwendolyn assumes not. )  ❛ i so dearly hope you’re right, ❜  she smiles, trying hard not to flinch at her own thick accent of KING’S BRITISH, a thing that sounds as though she’d just stepped onto america’s shores yesterday.  ❛ all the same, if no more are to follow ––––– why, you and your friends seem impassioned enough to surely take on KING GEORGE himself ! ❜
