🌻BigRatz🌻

am I right

“Dear Jo,

I’m sorry. You deserve more than a letter. And this right here, this cowardice, this letter? It’s officially the worst thing I’ve ever done. But it’s about me, Jo. It’s not about you. It’s now what you deserve. You deserve and have earned so much better than this.I love you,Jo. I love that you are brilliant and brave, and no matter what you go through…you never let it hold you back.It makes you stronger, kinder. You made me kinder. You loved me for exactly who I was, and I loved you.I love you.Maybe it’s not fair to say that, but it’s true. What’s also true is…I’m in love with Izzie.I imagined this whole life for her where she was baking and happy and had a bunch of kids. And I never imagined me in that picture. But suddenly, I am. Not suddenly. That’s a lie there. There was a part of me that always wondered,always wanted to know, always felt like we left things unresolved,unfinished. So, when Mer needed all those letters, I reached out to her. I reached out to Izzie and we started talking and it scared the crap out of me because it felt like no time had passed,like Izzie and I were kind of frozen together in time, and now, now we’re not. She’s not. She’s here in Kansas, on a farm in this incredible place in the middle of nowwhere. And I never, in a million years, would think I belong here, but I do. And I can’t lie to you and pretend the truth isn’t isn’t the truth, that I love you and I love Izzie. But if it was just me missing her or nostalgia or whatever, I would have been able to walk away and come back to you. But Izzie had my kids. And I know you get what that really means. I know you of all people understand why I can’t just leave now, why I can’t miss another second of my kids’ lives. I have a chance to make this family whole, and I just hope you love me back enough to let me take it. I need to give these kids the family you and I never had, with barbecuing out on the back porch and soccer games and movie nights and book reports.I didn’t know she would have my kids and now that she does, I don’t know how to look anyone in the eye if I don’t stay and do everything I can to make this work, make this a life, make this a family.You were wrong. You’re not the "let’s get a dog” girl. And I was never holding a candle or those pieces of paper thinking anything would ever change. When I asked you to marry me, I meant it.When I told you I love you, I meant it. But Izzie has our kids, Jo. Our kids.And the way you and I grow up, I-I came to meet them, to start to know them. I missed five years of their lives.And not because I was junkie like my dad or off my meds like my mom. I didn’t exist to them until I walked through the front door. And once I did, I had this family I never knew I had on this insane farm, and I wish I’d-I wish getting everything I always wanted didn’t have to hurt you in the process.But I can’t lie to you. And I can’t come home.I’m not coming home,Jo. I can’t face you. I can’t look you in the eye because I wouldn’t be able to walk away. Maybe “I love you” is wrong to say, but thank you for making me better and taking care of me when I needed it, for taking care of yourself when you needed it,too. I went to a lawyer. I signed divorce papers. I left everything to you, it’s yours. You worked for every cent you ever owned and then some.I also left you my shares in Grey-Sloan. Whatever you choose to do with them, I know it will be amazing.Just like you.Oh, you deserve everything good in this life,Jo.I hope you find so much better than me. Thank you.I’m-I’m sorry. I don’t know how to end this. I don’t want to. Goodbye.

Alex.“