Just An Awkward Lady

Love stories that twist and turn like stripped screws in warped boards

You are just a daydream once a month on my i5 commute.

I hear static. Sometimes ringing in my ears. My skin stretches and snaps back as my body grows and shrinks. I crave to numb my mind. To sink down into a pool of warmth. Fear looks different than it used too.

It has been some time since I have truly looked inward. I have found it much easier these days to just go with what feels like will create the least amount of friction. I am doing my best to play the part of someone that fits in better. I am at a constant battle with my superiors but we can’t win them all.

I was engulfed in memories. A breeze left notes of fragrance lingering under my nose but only for a moment. Like I had inhaled it and it was now mine. Transported back to memories I didn’t know existed. Brushing of hands and the air thick with nerves. Hide and seek down dark alleys and wreckless driving through unknown neighborhoods. We are all so much older now.

I met you in a dream again. Only this one was different. While each time it feels like a warm hug but this time felt cold. You felt unfamiliar. There was a girl there, she had my eyes and my hair only she shined like dew on daisies in may. I had a sense that you loved her. You asked me why I was calling and I pretended that I didn’t hear you and then hung up. When I woke up I felt guilty, I don’t know why. I haven’t seen you in years.

Every drink poured met my lips. The dark days were to see the light the bright days were to keep things moving. As my health deteriorates I am met with a calmness and moments of utter regret. Regret is not a feeling a am accustomed to but as the years pass and I slip more and more into a person I don’t recognize I can’t help but mourn. I mourn my loss, I mourn my pain, but mostly I mourn my hope. I said last week that this world feels cold like I don’t fit. I stand by that but know I’m trying.

Each time that I blink I see your eyes

As I hung my clothes out to dry I remember how you left me I fold my warm dress and press in the sunshine Remember that dark pub filled with smoke? Or did the water wash away your memories? I hope you learned to fold the sunshine into someone else

I get to know my self each day that I wake up. Recently I heard a young girl refer to people in there late twenties and early thirties as tired old losers. I can tell you I have never felt younger and more ready to listen and learn from myself and others.

And I will sew it all up thread by thread. Piece by piece. Those little bits that scattered the earth. Each piece that was taken. They are mine again.

Life worth living

Never look back

Guilty for how I used to let people treat me. Stomach flips with regret.

Maybe that box holds a little less than it used to. Those eyes are busy dancing from one thing to the next.

My skin prickled like the start of rainfall. My heart sank when I left that oasis. My chest bloomed in the desert heat. My eyes glaze when I think too much.

What went came around and it was only the beginning, the end never stays around too long.