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           I was out for an exercise run around the neighborhood when I saw two cars parked in my new neighbor’s driveway for the first time. I’d known the house next door had been sold for a while but hadn’t seen the buyers since learning it had been sold. All my wife and I saw were movers and trucks over there for the past few weeks. Now that they’d actually moved in, I decided to wait outside for one of them to walk out and see me so I could start a conversation. When nobody walked out, I pulled out my phone and called my wife.

           “Damian, I’m busy with something at work,” she told me after answering my call. “Is something wrong?”

           “Nah, everything is cool,” I told her. “But guess what?”

           “What?”

           “I think the new neighbors have finally moved in.”

           “Really? Are they white?”

           “I don’t know. They haven’t come outside since I noticed the two cars in the driveway.”

           “I hope they’re not white.”

           “They’re probably black. White people don’t willingly move into a neighborhood that’s a majority black neighborhood unless they’re running from something, no matter how nice the neighborhood is.”

           “That’s true. Well, walk over there and introduce yourself.”

           “I thought about doing that but I don’t know. What if they’re weird? And I just got through running. I might wanna take a shower first.”

                                          Me (Damian Patterson)

           “Baby, just go over and say hi to them. It won’t take long. I probably won’t be getting home until very late tonight, so it’ll probably be tomorrow before I can meet them.”

           “You’re working late again, baby? Damn, that’s the third night in a row. I’m tired of eating delivery and takeout every night, Tisha.”

Aquarius: Licks like a snow cone. A bit too rapidly, like they’re actually thinking about a snow cone.

Pisces: Eager. Vociferous. Will be standing in line with you at Walmart and loudly whisper, “hey you want your ass eaten?”

Aires:  Only does it in the shower. Complains that their knees hurt before they even start. Seems bored.

Taurus: Bull in a china shop. Leaves hickies. Will attempt to insert lips and blow a raspberry.

Gemini: Will say “I’ve never done this before” ten minutes after they’ve done it before. Unsurprisingly excellent at it.

Cancer: Makes noises like a pig looking for truffles. Picks hair out of their front teeth afterward.

Leo: Tentative. Licks around the target zone but never fully engages. Sometimes giggles in the middle

Virgo: Doesn’t care if you’ve been mowing the lawn all day. A bit rough. Might feel it in your own tonsils.

Libra: Thoughtful and methodical. Sniffs early and often. 

Scorpio: Goes for way too long. You stop feeling it after 35 minutes. You know you still have another 25 to wait.

Sagittarius: Uses a lot of lip action. You can swear you can feel them talking into it, but you don’t hear any words.