A Search For Self...
Happy New Year! I know it's a bit late, but I've been busy and I haven't felt inspired to write a new blog post. I hope your new year is going swell. So far, my 2012 has been very busy with working 50 hour weeks and doing what I love. In my fledgling amounts of free time, usually in the car on the way to work, its been a year of reflection and re-evaluation.
I've been thinking a lot about my dreams, things I want to do, places I want to live, the realism of those dreams and where I am at as far as making them happen.
You see, I always fancied myself as special. Maybe it was just the generation I grew up in. The generation of "everyone wins" and "you can't lose as long as you give it your best". Or maybe I was just a delusional little brat.
In any case, I grew up looking at those people who get a dream job or an amazing opportunity and they move to New York City and are successful. I don't mean Donald Trump successful, but they do very well. I always felt that, however unlikely, that I would do that. I would find that sort of wild opportunity.
Over the last couple years though, life has presented me with a seemingly completely different course.
To explain, I think I should take you a few steps back. You see, 2010 was a very hopeful, happy year! I was in school about half the year and completed a graduate program in a field I truly love. I already had a part-time job in the field, but within a month of graduation I obtained a slightly better, albeit temporary, new job. While I understood this wasn't an end in itself, but rather a means to getting where I wanted to go, I felt it was a step in the right direction. It wasn't in New York City and it wasn't the wild opportunity of my dreams, but I was happy.
I felt my temporary position at least provided me a springboard and I used the time to apply ferociously to any job that interested me and even some that didn't interest me so much, but looked like a good opportunity for advancement. I continued this through 2010 and into 2011. My temp job was extended. I was happy about this extension, but was no stranger to my impending end date with that employer.
2011 hit me like the morning after you've had one stiff drink too many. Before I knew what hit me, I found myself in May of a new year. It was a year and countless interviews after graduation with no solid job and a temp job that was ending on May 4th. My one connection to my field was a volunteer gig that I had began in January 2011. I found it through a friend. Time was up for my temporary, paying job though.
I was in a terrible spot. A job market with near 10% unemployment, a field with an already high unemployment rate, tired references, a decent yet experience lacking resume and I was at the end of my rope.
The one positive in this horrible situation was that I had been a prudent saver for much of my life. I had short-term CD's to pull from and enough money to get me through 8 or 9 months of unemployment. This provided some comfort just in case worst presented its ugly head. I also was free of school loans because of my fabulous parents. That may be where I am most fortunate. However, unless you're some sort of trust-fund kid, a few months savings and being debt free is cold comfort when you need an income and badly aspire to a specific and decent career.
I began treating the job search like a graduate school research project. I applied to 4 and 5, sometimes 6 and 7 jobs a week and documented everything. I begin to apply outside my field. I was literally on a search for any income at all. After a couple weeks of no income, I just wanted work of any sort.
I felt a bit like the dream was slipping way. Maybe the dream of that specific career wasn't even possible. Although I didn't have concrete evidence to support the idea, I felt sure my references were tiring of my never ending job search that required their help with each subsequent interview. I felt that in some way, despite my best efforts and putting my soul into my work and job-hunting, I had failed at a most important critical life juncture.
Within 3 weeks of unemployment, I took a job outside my field that barely paid for my gas to get to work. I took this job more for my own piece of mind and sense of self than for any real interest in the work. I certainly didn't take it for the money. For the first week this job seemed okay. I was doing something and breaking even on gas to bus myself back and fourth to work. I was living with my sister and using my savings I was still able to pay my part of the rent.
The "sense of self job" quickly began to unravel. You see, this job required a certain amount of sells ability and that is one ability that I do not have. Deep down I already knew this about myself, but I put this self-truth to the test.
A month and a half into under-employment or unemployment (however you want to look at it) things started to look up. I received good news from that volunteer gig that I mentioned earlier; you remember, the one in my field? They had decided to hire me.
I was ecstatic. Thrilled! I quit my dead-end job immediately.
Around the same time I interviewed with a local place for another job in my field. I knew a couple people that worked there. I got the job! I was on top of the world. In late July to mid-August I started both new jobs and my current 50-some hour a week schedule doing work that I love.
I'm now at the 6-month mark with my new job(s). I'm very happy with how things are going.
That brings us back around to the present re-evaluation. It's 2012, I'm 27 and with the exception of the lingering fear of ever going back to that dark place of unemployment and self berating I experienced, I feel more happy and secure in what I am doing with my life than ever.
The question that hovers over me now is this; "what is next?" What about those dreams of finding the big opportunity that leads me to that awesome opportunity that takes me to a bigger city out of the south?Â
Maybe I’ll be able to answer this in a future blog post…
