Everything is Fine

Once again I thought of you. It's been a while since I've thought of you, I thought I was finally over you. It's fucking 5 am and I crying thinking about what would have been if time had been in our favor. If I had been ten years olders, or you ten years younger or atleast at similar positions in life.

What if I had met you before you met your wife, who you married a month after we met. Would you have fallen for me? Like I fell for you. What if the universe had worked towards everything being right for us.

This song doesn't make sense for us because there's no way I'll be seeing you later. It was goodbye when I saw you on my last day at work. But still just one line made me think of you.

I miss the days when I worked with you, but if I remember well I used to hope to get to work with you every single day. If I didn't, I used to be upset. I was so anxious all the time over just the possibility of bumping into you or hearing your voice.

Workplace crushes are to be ignored. I know that. But I can't help my feelings. I'm glad I don't work there anymore, I don't think I could have handled anymore of the anxiety related to you. It's just the 'what ifs' are killing me.

I HAVEN'T MET ANYONE ELSE WHO THINKS LIKE ME IN MY 25 YEARS OF EXISTENCE AND IT TURNS OUT THE ONLY ONE I'LL PROBABLY EVER MEET IS WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE!

For someone who's been craving love since I was 13, God surely doesn't think I deserve to find it...

When I first saw you, I thought "Wow he's hot." Then I heard you speak and I thought " Lol, he's one of those guys whose voices I like". Thats my type, the older guy with the deep voice, dresses well, the smells like cigarettes kind.

You're my senior in a 'workplace'. Most are married, you probably are too. Most are rude and impatient and talk to me like I'm a child, probably cause I am atleast 3 years their junior.

But you were patient. You didn't get upset when I called at 3 am then 5 am, when I didn't know how to manage a case.

You laughed at your mistakes, you were forgiving of mine. Your text language is exactly the kind that I like and use. With full sentences and proper punctuation.

Our conversations were what made me giddy.

I've never, and I mean never, met another person who speaks the way I do, being equality comfortable in both the languages we used, without an accent, without a break in our conversation switching from one to another mid conversation.

It felt nice to hear just my name from your mouth, instead of the "kid" or "hey" that others use. It didn't annoy me like it usually does.

You didn't need to check up on me, we could have handled all communications telephonically yet you came to visit multiple times. I still don't understand why.

I noticed you looking into my eyes, I've never been so concious of someone making eye contact before. I noticed when you took a step back because you probably realised how close we were. Maybe you didn't want me to feel uncomfortable or maybe realised how ugly I looked.

I can't help but think, what if I was beautiful would you have talked to me more, would you have made a move or would I have? I was so comfortable in my skin that day and I had a good hair day for maybe the second time in my life. I always feel so self conscious at work. I don't know why I didn't that day.

I'm so glad I got to feel this feeling once, because I'll probably never feel it again and I'll probably never get to work with you again.

In a society that doesn't understand it's a disease like any else.

With a family that doesn't support them.

What do you wish for them?

Happiness? Better treatment?

Had to move again. Moved somewhere new. Was heartbroken about losing my old friends. Somehow made new ones, and yet again had to move last year.

Today once again my heart hurts because I can feel that I'm losing my friends all over again.