bia

Flins emerged inside, stoic as ever. Ivar looked surprised to see the man while Illuga felt a mix of disappointment and gratitude towards him.

Flins regarded Illuga's disheveled and sickly appearance with great scrutiny. The lightkeeper’s eyes wandered to Ivar's hands that likely supported Illuga’s frail body from the short journey from the youth’s home to Nikita’s office. He didn't even bother to cover up properly. The fae’s heated gaze fell on the wounded shoulder clumsily covered by a coat that isn't even Illuga’s own. Flins’ displeasure flickered briefly, disappearing just as quickly yet the older lightkeeper managed to catch it. Ivar retreated and guided Illuga’s hand to Flins for support. In turn, Flins dismissed the former with a nod. The lightkeeper was quick to make himself scarce.

“It seems you are quite fond of courting death, young master Illuga.” The usual playfulness of Flins’ tone was absent. Instead, it was substituted by a cold, biting remark that seemed bent on suppressing any response from him.

Illuga was deftly aware of Flins’ displeasure when he opened the door and saw him outside. Though the fae is adept in hiding and masking his emotions, Illuga had become accustomed to Flins’ antics to not detect the fluctuation of his mood. He is quite fickle but Illuga is pissed too.

“Please release my hand, Sir Flins. I need to speak to the Starshyna—”

Illuga attempted to pull away yet Flins had him on a vice grip. He could feel a dull ache on his waist from where the latter’s unrelenting hand was placed. Illuga frowned.

“You and I know that I am the best person to answer your questions. Your insistence of meeting the old man purely came from your stubborn heart so why not ask me the question that bugs you so much to forgo your recuperation?"

Illuga shot Flins a damning look. His glare sharp and fierce yet the rim of his eyes spoke of unshed tears. The young lightkeeper grits his teeth while Flins remain unmoved of Illuga's unspoken grief.

Even if he doesn't fire his inquiry, Illuga was already vividly aware from the moment he regained consciousness. The absence of the fussy Rollon and the usually loud Anleifr was testament enough. He just did not want to accept that Flins saved him at the cost of two more lives. Illuga deems himself unworthy and though he should be grateful to Flins, he couldn't find it in himself to feel gratitude for something so undeserved.

“Lightkeepers have long pursued this profession while knowing its risks. The demise of your subordinates is not a burden that should fall solely on your shoulder. If anything, I should be the one to carry the blame. My miscalculation cost them their lives. Had I been fast enough…”

Illuga collapsed on Flins’s hold. The latter’s concise answer to a question unasked shattered all hopeful fantasies Illluga had for his subordinates. The Wild Hunt came barreling on their way back from Kipumaki Cliff. The horde of abyssal creatures had always been unpredictable but the horde that attacked them was unprecedented. He was prepared to die and only sought to save his men from peril—recklessly throwing himself to the fray while clearly on the lookout for any possible openings for escape.

Flin's sudden arrival amidst the thickening miasma was a hope amid the sea of despair. Even so, his intentions did not change at the senior lightkeeper's appearance. Granted they were all heavily injured, Rollon was the worst of them. Anleifr was not looking any better than him but of the three of them, he was still the less injured party. With this in mind, he motioned for Flins to save the pair. Illuga believed Flins could escape the Wild Hunt and save his subordinates but instead, he found himself to be the one pushed towards his senior by Rollon’s bloodied hands. The burning warmth of his hand and the stench of putrid death still clung to his nose upon waking up. He could vaguely make up Anleifr’s weak smile of approval in his mind as Flins carried him away from the battlefield that was meant to be his grave. His screams at Flins’ audacity to unhand him and disregard for orders fell on deaf ears as his consciousness eventually failed him. The next time he woke up, he was already in Piramida, bandaged and burning with fever and unacceptably alive.

The next time he saw Flins was at a graveyard near Cliffwatch Camp.

Illuga was visiting his squadron’s grave and offering bouquets of Winter Iceleas when he arrived. The young man appeared embarrassed more than surprised at his appearance. Flins could more or less hazard a guess for the reason why.

“Sir Flins, what brings you all the way here?”

With practiced ease, Flins offered a smile overflowing with genuine sincerity. Though traces of his relaxed nature can be discerned behind his words.

“I did not realize that the young master would be visiting today as well. Had I known, I would have picked a separate date to spare you from this encounter.”

The last time they saw each other, Illuga fainted in distress because of the truth. Flins is aware of how fragile a human heart can be—especially Illuga’s given the many losses he faced despite his young age. He could have lied and chosen to spare him from the truth for the meantime until he was of good health before delivering the news (an agreement he arrived with Nikita), but seeing the frail Illuga look at him with complex defiance and dare he say bordering on dislike, Flins was bewilderingly filled with displeasure he blurted out the truth without embellishments. Though he tried to alleviate the guilt that he knew would plague Illuga later on by shifting the blame to himself, Illuga still passed out in wretchedness. Flins was surprised with himself too for acting against a gentleman’s etiquette, allowing his better judgement to be clouded by his own insecurities and anxiety.

For three days, he reflected on his own in the lighthouse on the cemetery. The cause of his misconduct, along with the reason for his deliberate need to cause Illuga emotional harm.

Flins felt crossed that Illuga allowed dislike to fester in his heart alongside his name. He did not like the idea or even the reality of Illuga hating him so he intentionally diverted his attention to the death of his subordinates so he can forget how upset he was with Flins. He is truly despicable by human standards for resorting to such cheap ploy. However, he is not human by spirit and nature. Illuga is aware of that too. Flins often resort to other means if it means gaining peace and advantage. What he did was hardly beyond his original nature, only a lot less refined.

“About that time…” Illuga’s lips were pursed, as if hesitant. Despite his words of departure a while ago, Flins made no move to leave. He isn't exactly remorseful that his visit to the lightkeeper's grave coincided with Illuga’s schedule. Besides, this encounter was hardly coincidental.

“I apologize for my ingratitude. Thank you for saving my life (though undeserved), Sir Flins.” The self deprecation was left unsaid yet Flins can discern the empty gratitude from a mile. He reckoned Illuga’s empty statement came not from his thanklessness of Flins' aid but from the thought that he did not deserve to be alive while his men lay dead.

“What I told the young master before was not a lie.” Illuga ground-peeled eyes finally met Flins’s indifferent ones. “I told you it was a miscalculation on my part. I did not lie. I wholly thought that leaving the two of them together for some time would raise their chances at survival. Granted I could have rescued two people at the time, the one who will remain in that horde was guaranteed to die.” It was a lie. Flins did not make such deliberation before choosing to rescue Illuga instead of the two. While it was true that he could have carried another one with him, the speed with which he could bring Illuga to the nearest medic would be greatly reduced which could imperil him. Flins did not want to take chances. Even Illuga's subordinates knew that they would not last long even if they were rescued. Their wounds were far too grave and their prolonged exposure to abyssal miasma was already beyond what human medicine could afford to save. The only reason why Illuga was able to retain his sanity was due to the overflowing kuuhvaki in his body that offsets the abyssal energy. Had his constitution been the same as an average human, he would have been corrupted even when Flins managed to take him away from the battlefield.