Just Wing It

You got a badditude. That’s a bad attitude.

Motherhood really opens a man’s eyes!

Let me check. Oh, it just says no one likes you.

I accidentally smiled at you last week and you shined a laser pointer into my eye and screamed “perv”.

Every time you talk, I hear that sound that plays when PacMan dies.

I have to ask, do you think “awesome” begins with an “o”?

I got aroused last night watching a nature documentary on bees. It was fine until they went inside a hive.

You can’t handle the me!

Forget your ex, have meaningless sex. It rhymes because it’s true.

You never let me do anything cool!

The English language cannot fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts, so I’m incorporating Emoji into my speech to better express myself. Winky-face.

Almost makes me wanna take things seriously all the time, but then I’m like, “boobs, farts, boobs, whatever.”

I feel like a proud mama hen whose baby chicks have learned to fly!

Blink twice if you’d like me to mercy kill you.

I feel like I’m the Paris of people.

My mother cried when I was born because she knew that she’d never be better than me.

Here are the rules. No staring at your phone, no rolling in two hours late, no sweatpants, no jeans, no shorts.

I’m fine at parties. I just stand in the middle of the room and don’t say anything.

The last lady I went out with burst into tears when I told her I was a Gemini.

Chop-chop. There’s plenty of embarrassing to do and only a few hours to do it in.

Yes, 911? What’s the safest way to set a car on fire?

My doctor said that if the bullet was a fraction to the left and two feet up, it would have hit my brain!

Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac.

I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that’s right, ‘cause it threatens death!

That’s right! Just kicked Santa in the testicles.

It looks like you live on the set of Murder, She Wrote.

Did you make the cover of “Hair-Pulled-Back Magazine?”

Yeah, but that was before I knew I could get up on this high horse. Love the view up here. Clip clop!

Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place? Don’t give candy to a baby! They can’t brush their teeth!