Alyssa

“Do you feel like a man when you push her around?

Do you feel better as she falls to the ground?”

So today is Nov 29 and it is the 25th night that I have gone to bed with no one by my side. Even though my relationship of nearly four years was abusive, I still miss being able to fall asleep with the comfort of knowing someone is going to be there in the morning. I might of fallen asleep in fear, or even in serious emotional pain, but at least there was still someone there. He may not of been there emotionally, but he was there physically. 

I have a fear of being alone. I’ve honestly never been independent and living alone, let alone with a toddler. All the responsibility has now shifted to me. I was generally doing everything on my own anyways, but at least there was someone there. He may not of done anything, but it still helped to know that there was actually someone there. And now, well now there is no one. 

I knew this was coming, but I didn’t know it would come this fast. Even though I often felt ready and prepared to leave, I still was not truly ready or prepared. The pain was beyond comprehension. My heart was stabbed numerous times over, and over. There was instantly a pit in my stomach, I couldn’t eat, and I still cant. There is this massive void in my life now. I keep trying to fill the void by talking to other individuals that could potentially make me feel better, but its just empty words and promises. Once one person fails, I move to the next, and so this vicious cycle begins to take place.

How do you accept this new way of life? How do you accept being alone? How do you stop blaming yourself, when literally everyone else is blaming you? How do you ignore the terrible words being thrown at you on a daily basis by the man you loved with all your heart? How do you move on? How does life even go on? 

And most of all, how do you even accept the fact that what you wholeheartedly believed was true love is in fact not true love?

“Walking this path alone, Lost, And can’t find my way home”