🎧 Soundtracking My Journey

A guy who I admire on the team, regret over my unspoken feelings towards him, and learning to appreciate him without expecting a relationship with him and trying to be his friend.

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It may sound so insanely crazy that I have a crush on one of my LTs who isn’t even into girls, but I still admire him as a person, and although I don’t expect a relationship with him, I still wanna be his friend, and it may seem like is romance, but is more about my gratitude towards him as an LT.

“Always on my mind (Every day, every night).”

-During my time as an OL I found myself thinking about him often because I admired him and I enjoy being around him every chance I get during session

“Your star burns so bright.”

-He stood out to me and respected as an LT and he has everyone talking to him because he is confident and popular amongst the team

“Why did I push you away?”

-I always wonder if there was even an opportunities for me to bulid a stronger friendship with him, but it’s so hard to get him alone when other people are surrounding him, and I didn’t take it because I was nervous and shy and scared what other people and him might think of me

“I was scared sometimes.”

-Having a crush on him not only he works with me but he is my LT it really made me second-guess myself and makes me feels very anxious around him especially trying to talk to him or be his friend makes me very anxious cause I can feel him judging me

“You had a power like a lightning strike.”

-His personality/Leadership left a strong impression on me and seeing him run orientation made him stood out from all the other LT

“It’s okay to cry.”

-It allows me to not only acknowledge my disappointment but telling myself it okay to feel sad that a crush on him won’t become a relationship while also reminding myself that I can always still be his friend if I try and the crush feeling will go away over time

“Wish I tried to pull you closer.”

-I wish I had gotten to know him better as a friend during Orientation, but it can be hard because other people keep talking to him, and his focus is on other people expect for me. So is rare to have a moment alone with him, and even if I did, it would last for seconds before someone comes in and pulled him away

“I’d say, ‘No, i’m fine.’ Now I really wish I stayed.”

-After orientation ends I may look back and wish I’d spent more time talking and getting to know him better and have the courage to talk to him and not care not what other thinks

“Gulity feelings keep me fractured.”

-Some people that I have expressed my crush about him they make me feel guilty as soon as they said “he doesn’t like girls.” and it makes me feel guilty for having a crush on him when I know it can’t be returned and how me simply having feelings for him isn’t something to feel guilty about what matter most to me is being his friend at the end

Even if he can’t returned that relationship to me it help me not grow as a person but it also encouraged, and challenged me to be more confident around him and other people in the future as an OL.

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The Comparison, my self-doubt, and learning how to trust myself as an OL

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“Sympathy is a knife” Its is a metaphor that is not only about me being compare to other OATies or having self-doubt, but learning how to trust myself as an OL is reflected, and it can served as a “imposter syndrome” for me in the moments as an OL over the summer. It can feel like I’m:

-Comparing myself with another OL

-Wonder if i’m doing enough as an OL

-I overthink I interactions with students, my fellow OLs, LT, and Pro staff

-And I struggle to accept compliments even when I feel like I didn’t do a good job leading my group

“I don’t wanna share this space.”

-Me as an Orientation leader can sometimes feel like is really competitive when many other OLs are working together, and I occasionally feel like I don’t belong or even compare myself to the other Orientation leaders

“I don’t wanna force a smile.”

-Long Orientation days again it can be very exhausting even when i’n tried, I still have to try to stay positive for new students and families

“This one girls taps my insecurities.”

-I always compare myself to my other OLs who seems to be more outgoing, confident, or more experienced, especially the OATurners in the workplace, and how it bring my insecurities because I can’t even get anyone to talk to me.

“Don’t know if it’s real or if i’m spiraling.”

-Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell whether my worries would reflect me as an OL, or maybe it just the result of me overthinking about everything I do as an OL, or how I overthink everything when I see other people talking, forming their own little circles, and how they seem to get praise by LT, Pro staff for the same amount of work that I did just like them, because we all work the same hour and we have the same job, which is to lead and welcome new students and families on campus.

“One Voice tells me that they laugh…”

-I always wonder if my teammate,LT, Pro staff or students and their families are judging me after I lead a group or speak in front of a group

“George says, I’m just paranoid.”

-My LT, and my teammates would reassure me that I’m being harder on myself than anyone else in the room is and how I am overthinking about everything when I see people in the workplace have their own little group.

“Im embarrassed to have it, but need the sympathy.”

-Telling myself that is ok for me to admit being an Orientation leader can be emotionally demanding and also reminding myself that asking for encouragement from my teammates,LT, Pro staff doesn’t make me weak

“I couldn’t even be her if I tried.”

Every OL has their own different leadership style such as:

-Energetic

-Outgoing

-popular/well like

-calm

etc.

And how I keep telling myself that I don’t need to copy other OLs personality to be a great OL.

“I’m opposite, I’m on the other side.”

-My strengths as an OL may look very different from another OL strengths again we all have our own different leadership style and how we lead our students

“I feel all these feelings I can’t control.”

-Me as an OL brings out a lot of emotions for me such as:

-being excited to lead my first group

-Nervous about leading my first group

-I can feel exhausted after a long day of leading my group

-and I sometime would have a massive self-doubt as an OL.

and sometimes those feeling for me don’t feel normal during an Orientation experience

“All this sympathy is just like a knife.”

In my metaphor meaning as an OL it means that sometimes reassurance from my own team, LT or Pro staff doesn’t always erase my insecurity as an OL for example I would hear this a lot even after leading my first group

“you did a great job,”

“you’re doing fine,”

“I’m so proud of you for leading your first group!”

“Don’t worry, everyone struggle at first.”

“I didn’t have a good group at first as an OL.”

“Your group wasn’t as engaged as the other groups.”

I might still struggle to believe it because again I am being overly critical of myself as an OL even after I make a mistake.

“I’m so apprehensive now.”

-After making a mistake or having a massive awkward moment, I slowly became super anxious about leading future group or activities, and I tend to look around to see if anyone can help me bring my student get engaged or back at the right track, whether it’s by forming a huge group together, and helping out, etc.

Another thing that “Sympathy is a knife.” can symbolize for me is they expressed my overwhelming emotional well-being as an OL and in my own OL metaphor they can be understood as the massive feeling as me being mentally overwhelmed and having anxiety as an OL.

“Why I wanna but a gun? why I wanna shoot myself?”

-Metaphorically, in my OL world it represent me feeling overwhelmed after comparing myself with others OL everyday for me I keep having thoughts like “I’m not doing good as a OL,” or “Maybe I don’t belong here as an OL.”

“Volatile at war with my dialogue.”

-My inner voice is telling me “I’m doing great,” while another part of me is saying “Everyone else is a better leader than you.”

“Don’t wanna see her backstage at my boyfriend’s show”

-As an Orientation setting, it can feel like to me seeing someone I compare myself everyday with being more confident or more experienced and being more well liked and getting praise by other teammates

“Finger crossed behind my back..”

-for me it represent about how I was wishing a situation that fuels my insecurity would eventually resolve itself so I can stop comparing myself with others OL’s and focus on doing myself and on my own growth as an OL

Overtime my experience as an OL had made made me feel like:

-I’m comparing myself with another Orientation Leader

-Wondering if everyone else is more confident than I am

-Me replaying my mistake long after the day is over

-Feeling like I have to be a perfect OL

-I always worry that I’m not doing enough as an OL

This reflect to me having a feeling of being my own harshest critic and still learning from my mistake and how I always remind myself that Being an OL doesn’t have to be flawless but more about showing up, learning from each session, supporting my team and also recognizing that my own value as an OL doesn’t depend on being “the best.” in the room.

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The pressure, expectations and major emotional labor of being a SJSU Orientation Leader.

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I was excited for this job as it was an opportunity for me to not only connect with new students and parents who are transitioning into SJSU, but for me to get myself out there and make new friends and learn more about the school itself.

But this job came with a price that not only damaged my mental-well being, but it made me feel trap in my own thoughts and having to fake everything instead of being myself and not fitting in anyone’s expectations. Everyone in my orientation job is so clicky and they seem to fit in, but there’s me who gets seen as the “bad guy” or someone whose feeling isn’t always valid due to high pressure, expectations.

Now if you may see me refer to “Detention by Melanie Martinez” and how this relates to Orientation as an SJSU Orientation leader, I’m expected to:

I have to Put on a smile early on the morning

Lead activities even when my social battery is low at the end of the day

Having to help to support nervous students while having to manage my own responsibilities as an OL

Having to smile and be professional at all time, especially when I’m still in a blue polo

During the second Sparta camp, I led my first group. It didn’t go as I had hoped. I was feeling a lot of emotion cause my group wasn’t giving me any respect that I deserved, and I was having an off day, and to them and my fellow OATies, they see me as a bad guy for crashing out.

“I’m not a bad guy, so don’t treat me bad if i’m feeling sad”

-OLs like me are students too. And having an off day doesn’t mean I don’t care about my job

“Please don’t be mad if I don’t smile back.”

-After a very long orientation day of me having to constantly smile and staying energetic, it can become mentally and physically tiring for me, especially not having any other OATies who I can vent too after a long day

“If i mess up my words, don’t think i’m absurd.”

-Having to follow a script can be hard for me cause I sometimes forget I can’t say a certain words to a student or a parent. It makes it as if I had to follow a script even leading a group of student who isn’t very engaged, and it lead to me making mistakes, and I worry that i’m being judged by other OATies, LT, and Pro Staff

“I’m Physically exhausted knuckles beating”

-I had to wake up early than my normal wake-up call time and Having to put on a smile as soon I see a student and a parent walk in, and having to walk around on campus all day with little break cause there’s always a student and parents who will need help the moment I sit down, so having to stand on my two feet the whole day until they leave and having to be positive and active all day long.

“I’m chewing gum to pass this time of sadness.”

-It is a metaphor for me to kind of find a way to get through a very long session day and keep my student engaged and having a great time while I’m having to push through my fatigue without having any other OATies to talk to during my little break cause they have they own people and i’m not one of them.

When I talk to other OATies about my group I feel exhausted and I sometimes would tell them “Can’t you see it?” and sometimes I feel like my Exhaustion isn’t always obvious because I have to keep being active and remain positive until I clock out

“You’re too busy seeking selfish wishes, don’t care how i’m feeling.”

-Many new students and families have so many question which I understand and i’m always happy to help and answer their question, but as an OL I may sometimes feel like there’s a little room for my own needs during the workday.

“You write me up and say it’s love”

-As much as I appreciate the feedback from my LT and Fellow OATies, it can sometimes make me feel discouraged and dismissed because again, I may have a hard day, and I understand my role as an OL is to be professional at all costs, but having a crash out doesn’t mean I’m not taking my role as an OL seriously. Sometimes I just need a moment to let out some steam, and I always have room to improve no matter what.

“Pretending everything’s alright is detention”

-Is one of the biggest parallel while I was listing to this song on repeat; to me it feels like I need to stay cheerful, and professional even when I’m having a bad day, stressed or overwhelmed throughout the day

“The teachers don’t care about me Fuck how I feel as long as I make money.”

-To me, metaphorically it represent feeling like working as an OL feels more like work for me rather than having my own well-being matter to others in the work place, only because I don’t have anyone who I could called a friend, and everyone seems to have someone to talk too and not even care about me so, I just kinda treated this job like a workplace rather than a work place where you find your people. so basically, I’m chopped meat to them

“I wanna go home and you say, ‘Now is not the time.’”

-After a long orientation session I have to stay until all of my responsibilites are completed even when I’m ready to rest and I don’t get dismissed until my LT or Pro staff dismiss me for the night

Overall being an SJSU OL Can feel like “Detention” you may see it as it being fun, exciting, but it does come with a side of emotional labor cause you are working the whole day and you are leading a big group all by yourself without any help, and you are expcted to be professional and follow your script as an OL.

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